money is time

time is money, i heard. but money is time, this i know. at this point i value the time more than the money.

i say this because i saw a friend recently that i hadn't seen in a while, and she, like many others seemed pretty surprised to hear that i am considering (very strongly) not returning to work. paid work, that is.

i explained to her that our lifestyle is very simple: we have inexpensive cars; are looking for a small and cheap house that we can hopefuly pay w/o getting in debt for the rest of our lives; i shop at the salvation army and the flea market; etc. so we can get by w/o needing to have a huge income. ed's salary provides more than enough at this point, and hopefuly in the near future he can cut down to a part-time work schedule and plant his trees the rest of the time.

there's no question that my time is more valuable than the extra money i could earn working. as long as we have enough cash to pay for moinimum necessities (this is subjective, i realize), and a little bit set aside just in case of emergency, we are happy.

our lives are going by, and i like to spend mine playing with sena and aiyana and all the other free spirits out there, rather than in the office. i like to spend my time watching the trees flower, the grass grow, and the clouds go by. you get the idea. oh, not to mention reading. or pursuing any interest i may be motivated to pursue. can extra cash make me want to give these things away? not at this point.

i realize how lucky i am to be in this position. lucky not to have to worry about my family's health, safety and other basic necessities. also lucky not to be driven by desire for so many things.

one day, i'm sure i'll work for money again. but hopefuly it won't be the major part of the day, and even more hopefuly it won't be for money primarily.

i never thought this way before i left work. i was too caught up in the daily routine, and i din't know what i was missing. i didn't know that it's fun to watch the grass grow. that i'd enjoy it so much. i used to think i'd go crazy with boredom being home with young children. you know, how about adult conversation? now i think it's the reverse. maybe they're bored with me. they're so much more intelligent, so much more spontaneous and free than i could ever be. bored? not quite. the only reason i've considered returning to work is, honestly, bc in some ways it would be so much easier than staying home taking care of them.

but anyway, these are just thoughts. and i hope they're not offensive to anyone. i know they make no sense.

but i hope that if anyone reads this, they do take the time to watch the trees, and the grass, and the birds, and the sky at least once in a while.

peace

ranting

things are good. out for a walk with the baby right now.
the trees are coming into flower. so beautiful, i want to hug them. sena does that sometimes...
the air smells so sweet. it's spring - time for hope.

a young man, staying home with his two kids. a 2 yr old and a 5 months old. the 2 yr old wonders off and almost drowns. the DCYF (dept of children and families) takes the kids away.
ok, so maybe he was negligent. maybe he deserved it. but i wonder if the people who took the kids away ever stayed home with their own very young children. do they know what that's like? how crazy things can get? did they consider offering this family some help instead? i think that the fact that the dad was staying home taking care of them is pretty commendable.

maybe the DCYF would take away my kids too if they saw our lifestyle. like the fact that i'm sleeping with both of them still...i mean isn't that too much love? sorry for the sarcasm!

well, you know, society has to clean itself of the "rotten apples". know what i mean? not help them, just get rid of them. people who are overwhelmed by their circumstances, we just put them in prison, take their kids away, etc. otherwise they'd get in the way of our...making money. they'd remind us too much that on some level, we are just like them. so we put them out of sight. you know like L. Cohen said in one of his songs "for the millions in the prisons, that wealth has set apart".

but anyway, i'm just off on a rant, and i'd better stop, because i really just want to tell that young father that i know what it's like, and i want to hug those kids and i really wish that everyone'd just get along and be happy. because it's just so great to be around, why make each other unhappy?

so...
"keep walking,
there's no place to go" (rumi)
peace

pretending

my love to everyone (assuming anyone reads this).
such a beautiful day today.

i have just one thing on my mind today:
it's ok to be down. it's ok to be weak. it's ok not to be always bright and cheery even if it's a beautiful spring day. sometimes we have to just let ourselves feel things, completely, without trying to transform them, without pretending. and i think it's important to remember that those who care for us will do so no matter what.

it's unbleivable how many people feel down and find themselves isolated because feeling depressed is not socially acceptable. in the past week, i've seen someone close to me, an older man, break down and cry, feel hopeless and out of control. i didn't know that depression could affect people as badly as he's affected. i've seen him become isolated and afraid of interracting with others. it's so sad - yet i can't help but think that on some deeper level he needs to go through this in order to come out at a different place that where he was at. and i can see how if he lets himself experience whatever comes, without too much judgement, it can be very healing. so i hope for the best.

things would be so much easier for everyone if we stopped pretending that things are always good and allowed some room for expressing sadness, melancholy, and so on without feeling awkward.

peace

sand mandala

an unexpected break today. i am hazy with sleep, and my mom took some pity on me, and said "go do something by yourself". i said "are you sure" and was out the door practically before she could answer me...

having my mom here is a great help. but i am still tired and worn out sometimes. other days i have so much energy. like yesterday. i gave sena so many piggyback rides, we just kept going and going and i wasn't tired. today, just walking from the couch to the door made me feel exhausted.

my mom, sena, aiyana and i went for a walk this morning. as i dragged my legs, feeling as if i was sleepwalking, it occured to me that my life is like a sand mandala. every year, a few tibetan monks come to uconn and spend a couple of weeks, (or maybe it is one month, i forget) creating a beautiful sacred sand mandala. their work is open to the public, so you can watch them put together countless grains of colored sand in beautiful, intricate patterns. their work seems so painstaking, so detailed. they work on the mandala the entire time they're here, and then, at the end, when it is all finished, they destroy it in a public ceremony.

my life is like that in some ways. every minute of every day, like another grain of sand. in and of themselves most moments seem meaningless, but over time, sometimes, i can see patterns forming, or can find some meaning in what i have been doing. yet ultimately i know that most things i put my energy into will be gone. the food i cook will be eaten. if i clean the house, it will soon be messy again. and so on. some things will hopefuly last longer. like the love i give my children.
hopefuly, one day, our lives and relationships will become a beautiful mandala. yet ultimately, i know that if i let myself be attached to the idea of a goal, i will have deceived myself. because time will erase and reshuffle everything like so many grains of sand. so i try to appreciate it all as it's happening instead. i realized that things don't have to be always perfect in order for me to appreciate them. there's something, a richness, even in the hard times.

speaking of riches, as i laid in bed the other night, having found a comfortable position in between sena and aiyana, i felt that i was the richest person in the world. it was a quick flash in my mind, but it makes me feel good every time i remember it. i really wish that everyone could feel that sometimes, regardless of their material circumstance. it is so healing...

peace

my week

just had a crazy week. called my sister sobbing on thursday and told her i needed help. kids were sick and i was overwhelmed, not having slept and feeling really worn out in general. roxi came over and things got better.

my parents are here now, so i am looking fwd to an easier week. last week, i had a few moments of relief - when sena and aiyana happened to be sleeping at the same time. laid down on the earth and felt the sun shine. more of this to come soon i hope...

peace

bummed

i'm kind of bummed today, but i wanted to write anyway...
i don't like being negative, or complaining, and i try to avoid seding out that kind of energy. but this has been sticking with me for a while, so i'll have to write it anyway. so if anyone is reading this, and you're not in the mood for negativity, please don't read anymore.

so, that being said, here's what's bugging me.
it buggs me when i hear people refer to our current society as (most) advanced, or first world as opposed to third worl, or developped as opposed to developing, you get the idea.

it bugs me because although i recognize that maybe from a technological standpoint that may be true, from other standpoints it is not.
it's been over 2 years now that i've been staying home with my kids, and during this time i've gained a new perspective on things. i feel like i'm on the sidelines watching things happen, a lot more so than when i used to go to work every day and had that kind of lifestyle. it became obvious to me during this time, that the society i live in is simply not set up for the common good. the values that seem to matter most are competition, aggression, ambition, drive, and things in that vein. cooperation, compromise, mutual help, etc. are not so much at the forefront. for example:

i live in one of the wealthiest places on earth, yet i see people standing outside begging for food, shiverring in the cold.
i nkow that even as i write this, there are children being born not far from here, in such dire circumstances that their chance at a life free of violence and crime is negligible. these kids grow up with deprivation, violence and abuse, so it's no wonder many adopt these same ways later. it's so obvious to me now how we recreate our circumstances through our own actions, even though we don't want to. one book i read was written by an anthropologist who did his research in a suburb of new york city. a poor suburb, with lots of violence in the streets. he wrote about this little boy he met, who was really smart and cute and just like any other kid in any other neighborhood. as the kid grew up, he became friends with the anthropologist and started to tell him how he was determined not to get involved in the drug trade that everyone around him made their living out of. he was determined no to end up in jail, or dead, as many in his family had. yet, years later, when the anthropologist went back to the neighborhood and asked about this kid, it turned out that he was in jail, for selling drugs. it was clear how given the circumstances this kid grew up in, and the opportulities (or lack of) he had available, this was the natural outcome. i know that this is not a fantasy, this is reality, because i see it around me.

from my own experience with raising kids, it is obvious that the resources necessary to raise a healthy, peaceful, compassionate, sensitive child are huge. there is a good reason why most peoples around the world, historically, lived in extended families. now, the nuclear family is becoming more predominant, and here, where i live, it is the norm. people don't realize how much pressure is involved in raising kids and holding together a family without the support of a tightly knit community.

in our current context, it is the mom and dad that are almost exclusively responsible for the kids. grandparents may or may not help. same with friends and other relatives. so, as a natural outcome, we now rely on institutions - like daycare. we hire babysitters. we give our kids pacifiers and put let them sleep alone from the time they are born. we are told that if we hold our kids too much ar love them too much, we are "spoiling them".
to do it differently, to actually hold your kid when she cries, to nurse her on demand, to sleep with her at night, and to simply be there for her when she needs you, all or most of the time, requires incredible physical, mental, emotional resources from the mother and father. i hate to admit this, but i am really coming to understand how some mothers go overboard and hurt themselves and their kids. it's so overwhelming to be a mother, and simply to take care of the kids, that if other things are going badly in your life, if you're having problems with your partner, or with money, or whatever, i can see how that could easily put you over the edge.
post-partum depression is now a "medical" condition. an illness. my hunch is that it's more of a social disease. one that finds expression in other areas as well.

the elderly - often isolated, and depressed. they too, are often relegated to institutions, out of the mainstream.

the world around me is being ruled and constructed based on materialistic values and greed. people start "playing" at making money and buying things when they're young, and then they forget it's a game. sena told me that. she likes to play with money. she playis going to work and buying things. but she knows it's a game and i hope she won't forget as she grows up.

i don't want to sound like i don't care at all about materialism, cuz i do. i like my hot shower, i like heat in the winter, i like having a phone and this computer. but i think things are way beyond that level - people are working day in and day out to pay huge mortgages for huge houses that they have no time to spend in.

if people stopped to think about things i think they'd agree that developping social resources is more important, at this point, than continuing with the mindset we've come to think of as natural. but it's so hard to think and see things clearly when you're so busy, not to mention in debt.

this is not worth much, it's only one way of seeing things, but it's what's been on my mind.

don't mean to sound righteous. i am part of this and have bought into it as much as everyone else. any solutions??

peace

pictures of us

here are some recent pictures of us:

1st one is of aiyana and i, with the sun going down
2nd one is of aiyana
3rd is the four of us
4th is of sena doing yoga

will post more soon

laugh-cry

i feel so emotional today. been like that the whole week. but today it feels like the levy's going to break.

i'm reading this book about the !Kung, a gathering-hunting people in Botswana. the book was written in the 70's i believe, and is basically the lifestory of a woman called Nisa in her own words. when she first speaks to the anthropologist who wrote the book (Marjorie Shostek), Nisa says that she will spill her story, she will break it open, until there's nothing left but dust that the wind will carry away, and then her heart will be lighter. i really like that, it's so beautiful, and i feel what she means.

so this will be all over the place, cuz' i really have nothing to say, just a bunch of things coming out randomly.

two of my close friends lost loved ones recently. one woman lost her 7-year-old nephew to illness. they knew he was going to die, and he finally did this week.
another friend lost her 18-year-old nephew last year, and she went to his unveiling this past weekend. she came back and told me that his mother is currently addicted to pot, and she doesn't really care about anything except getting high.

today, as i was driving to the laundromat with sena, i saw a little boy in a stroller. his mom was pushing him. they were both bundled up in the rain. but he was looking at the passing cars with the biggest smile on his face.

aiyana does this thing, where you don't know if she's laughing or crying. it really seems that she's doing both at the same time. i feel very close to doing that myself, and if i were a little less self-conscious, i'd be doing it right now.

almost every night, before i go to bed, i think of how lucky i am to have sena and aiyana sleep safely next to me. i unavoidably think about how i'd feel if i lost one of them. that's the closest i've ever come to feeling my own heart, because when i think of losing them, what happens is no longer in my mind, it goes straight to my heart. i try to let go of the fear, but it will be a while before i'll be able to do that. then, i think about how at this very minute, some other person, somewhere actually lives those things i dread. like the parents and siblings of the 7 year old boy, or the mother of the 18 year old. i understand why she smokes pot all day long. i think i'd probably do the same.

just in case this is getting too morbid, i'll just say that when i saw that little boy smile in his stroller today, i could not help but feel as if the sun were shining right on me.

how can all this be happening at the same time? it boggles my mind. but i am starting to think that the mind will never grasp all these things. only the heart. hence the laugh-cry type of outburst.

when i left the laundromat today, there was a woman there, and she gave me the nicest smile. i wish i could've said something, but there was nothing to say, so i just smiled back and waved goodbye.

on my way here, walking through the rain, i kept looking at people's faces. i've been thinking how everyone is God, although i don't believe in God.
who are all these people? what are they carrying around? that laugh-cry feeling again.

well, now that these words have spilled out, maybe my heart will feel lighter.

peace

love

what a nice surprise today! ed's mom called in the morning asking if she could take sena to her house. i was happy to agree, and sena was extatic waiting for grandma to come and pick her up.

also, my mom is staying with us, and she said she'd take care of aiyana if i wanted a few minutes by myself. to top it off it's beautiful outside, warm and sunny.

so...after making sure that everyone is happy, i got on my bike and rode to the benton cafe on the university campus. what a treat!!! i love riding my bike. and i love the cafe. and i'm enjoying every second of my time alone (although i do feel a tug in my heart for having left aiyana. things are so different now). anyway, so here i am, writing in my blog again...

i'm feeling really good. it's one of those times when i want to hug everyone and tell them that i love them. well, i guess it's pretty appropriate, it being valentine's day and everything...
i really need to find a way to channel this energy into something more tangible. but i can't even find the right words to express myself right now...

maybe i'll share this: i've been reading books about some unusual people lately. unusual in their selflessness and devotion to others. the one i'm reading now, for instance, is Amma's biography. Amma is an indian woman, considered a saint by many all over the world. she started her life in very poor conditions, but she was always a very spitritual person, and eventually she became a spiritual leader with many followers. she also engages in social service, helping as many people as she can, materially and spiritually.

i noticed that as i read this book and others like it, i was very skeptical. somewhere in my mind, i could not believe that she was doing this out of the goodness of her heart only. i thought there must be a catch. she must be gettting something out of it. i guess this is a reflection of myself and of the culture i live in. isn't that funny/sad?

well, anyway, when i saw and read about the (sumptuous) temples she is building, i thought there you go, she's making lots of money. that she puts her money and other gains in the service of others is besides the point. what i'm curious about is why is it so hard to believe or accept that there are good people out there? why must there always be a catch? i had no idea i was so jaded. all i can think is that it must be a reflection of myself, as i already said. sad as this may be, i also realized that even though one person, Amma, let's say, sounds too good to be true, even though it may turn out that she is corrupt on some level, it doesn't matter. because this i know for sure: that out there somewhere, there ARE people, probably lots of them, who are that good. i guess i know it because what else is there that's worth living for? everything else wears out eventually.

back on my bike i go....
happy valentine's day!
love

Reading

I’ve been reading some very inspiring books lately. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m really easy to please these days, or maybe it’s just that I somehow attract the right stuff…well, regardless, it seems like everything I’ve been reading (or almost) hits the spot….

For example, I found a quote in my calendar, which lead me to a book, which led me to another book called “Daughters of the Goddess”, written by Linda Johnsen. It’s a book about “the women saints of India”. The author writes about some contemporary Indian women, all very interesting in terms of their lives and what they chose to do with them. I like the fact that these women are real, living like the rest of us, yet somehow they manage to break through and have a unique view of things, which they share with everyone else
.
Another book I came across, is very different, or it may seem to be, but fundamentally it’s quite similar. It’s called “wild fermentation” and it’s a book about food. The author is Sandor Ellix Katz. He lives in an intentional community, in tennesee, and is into “do-it-yourself”, anarchy, punk rock and other such things. What I found most interesting about his book, other than some nice recipes, was his perspective on various things. Somehow, he manages to blend together in a way that seems most natural, food, health, life and death, social activism, living with AIDS, and his spiritual quest, among other things. All these issues are linked back to fermentation, a recurring theme throughout the book.
This is how he presents social activism for example: “as microorganisms work their transformative magic and you witness the miracles of fermentation, envision yourself as an agent for change, creating agitation, releasing bubbles of transformation into the social order.” I love that passage. I also found his view and experiences with death very interesting and uplifting.

Books like these are what sustain me through the day to day routines. Sometimes, if I get into a rut, all I need is to read a page, or even a few lines, and I feel so much lighter. It’s amazing, the power that reading has…. so I always have a stack of books on the end of the couch, mixed with the diapers, toys, pillows, baby clothes, and everything else lying there. I make sure that the books are at arm’s length (right next to the baby’s potty which is also essential), so that I can reach for one whenever I need to. Rumi, for example, is perfect for emergency situations, when I really feel down or overwhelmed – I can open the book at any random place, and read a few verses, and get my clarity back almost right away.

Sena and I have also been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss. I love dr. seuss. We didn’t have his books in Romania, where I grew up, so I am reading them now for the first time. My favorites so far are “the lorax”, “the sneeches”, and the one about the green pants. I really like the fact that takes some pretty intense topics, and manages to make them funny and light and generally great to read.

Got to go now….

Peace and good reading!

34

i am 34 years old today, and i've been thinking about how much i like being in my 30's. if i had to take a quick review of my life, i'd say something like this:

i really liked my childhood in Romania. there was a feeling of warmth and togetherness, both in my family and among my friends. my grandmother contributed very much to the warmth i mentioned. she used to sleep with my sister and i at night, and tell us stories which she made up, before we fell asleep. lots of things she did were improvised, not just her stories. her cooking was rarely the same way twice - she never followed recipes and just used whatever scraps happened to be around. but i remember it always tasting and smelling great. my sister and i used to ask her to scrape the pan and give us every little bit that was left in there.

i grew up surrounded by lots of kids. we'd come home from school, eat and then go outside to meet our friends. we lived in a 10 story building, one among many in our part of town, so there were always lots of kids out in the streets. safety was not an issue, and adult supervision while we played was unheard of. so we got into lots of trouble, but it was mostly harmless, and we had lots of fun. my mom or grandma would lean out the window and call us back home at night. everyone did this to call their kids in. so there was lots of shouting from up high, and we often pretended not to hear it as we played in the street.

my teenage years were pretty difficult, mainly because of our move to Canada. of course, when we first arrived, we were in awe of everything, mostly the material abundance - the food in the grocery stores, the clothes, TV and all the gadgets, etc. but that wore out really quick, and within a couple of months, we realized that we had left our home for good. i missed all my friends and i felt that i was a stranger in this new place. i started to think of myself as a plant that was taken from one pot, where it was thriving, and transplanted to a new one, with new soil, where it just could not catch on. i felt alienated in many ways, and tried my hardest to fit in and get people to like me. i went through highschool and cegep this way. developped anorexia on the way too, part of my effort to get people to like me. i used to watch a lot of TV those days, in an effort to learn english and french, and just out of boredom. i really believed that being thin and looking good would make me happy. so i put all my energy into becoming that. it took years to get over this "obsession" and realize that looks will get you some things but not the things i really wanted. like love.

things started being much better when i went to university. my 20's were really fun. i had lots of energy and a very short attention span. i finally started to make friends again. i felt euphoric, i remember well the feeling of happiness that overwhelmed me as i found myself surrounded with people i felt comfortable with once again. it helped that i was speaking english better now, so i could crack a few jokes and generally be part of the conversation. i met my best friends and people that mean a lot to me today in my 20's. did a lot of fun crazy things. also hurt some people too. i was pretty callous and insensitive in my new-found excitement. i was way too focused on myself, my need for attention and for fitting in, to seriously consider anyone else's feelings at that point. i was going too fast to stop and think, or to stop and feel, and things only became clear in retrospect. based on this experience, i can understand why it is said that if you're hurt you'll probably end up reproducing that hurt in someone else. i sometimes look back on these times and feel bad about the things i did, or the ways i behaved with some people that were very close to me. i can see what led me to be that way, and i don't know if things could have been any different. the one thing i took out of all this is an understanding of the power of circumstance. so i try to remember, before judging or condemning someone for the things they do or say, to consider their circumstances, and the place they're coming from.

now that i'm in my 30's, i feel like things are a lot calmer and a lot clearer. i still feel that i have a lot of energy, still feel exhilarated a lot of times. but i think (hope) that my energy comes out in more positive ways now, not as hurtful for myself and others. i'm still having lots of fun, but different that in my 20's. i guess i miss the crazyness on some level. yeah, i'd have to say i miss it a lot, come to think of it. but i'm finding ways to express myself differenly. especially now that i have kids, i am chanelling most of my energy to them, and to the community i'm part of. i feel really lucky have many incredible people in my life, friends, family and strangers i come accross. people are still the most important thing to me, and as long as i am surrounded by a community i feel connected with (be it long or short distance), i am happy.

i am very happy being a mother, and am having fun with my daughters, despite the hardship. i'm still not fully used to motherhood, and am learning things every day. one important thing that motherhood brought me is the realization that difficulties can be important helpers on my spiritual path. so seeing things in this light makes everything easier to bear.

i'm still pretty self-involved, but i also feel this other need now, a kind of longing, as Rumi would put it, for something else, beyond myself and my life. paradoxically, though i feel this need to transcend, i am also finding more comfort and satisfaction in the most routine, trivial things of daily life.

"peace, love and all that crap"
(that's a quote i liked, don't remember from who)

just an update

things have been getting easier lately. aiyana's grown a lot, and she's now less fussy than before, and even when she cries she's easier to comfort than before. she's also a lot more responsive to everything around her - she laughs a lot when we speak to her and makes all kind of cooing and gurgling sounds to express herself. she and sena started interacting more and more as well, mostly looking and smiling at each other.

of course there are still days when things are crazy, esp. when you least expect them. but overall it's getting a bit easier.

my attitude changed somewhat too, and maybe that's helping in the harmony of things. basically, i have learned not to plan anything, and if i do end up planning, not to put too much energy into expecting things to go the way i want them to. pretty good lesson for life in general, i guess, but definitely one that is very applicable with kids. i find that even planning one thing a day is generally too much. trying to get things to go a certain way causes too much stress, with kids (and me) being so unpredictable. i find that when i get too rigid, in my mind, in terms of wanting something to happen my way, it reflects in everything i do and it generally ends up in frustration if not worse.

it's so hard though to live like that, without expectations, just letting things happen and going with them. though i've been trying for some time, i'm still not used to it, and it takes constant effort and reminding myself. but when i do manage to be that way, i find it's much more fun and relaxing for everyone. i am much more available to everyone, much more apt to laugh spontaneously, or to enjoy little things like a smile from aiyana or something funny that sena says.

the more i think about things, the more it becomes obvious to me that having kids was the perfect thing for me at this time. at least in terms of my spiritual journey (for lack of a better way to say it). because of what i said above, and the challenges it presents, motherhood was just what i needed. there are other reasons as well, of course, but this is the one that's on my mind at the moment.

it's funny, but before i had aiyana, i was writing in my journal about how i wanted to find a way to continue my spiritual growth and still lead my life the way it is. i've always been attracted to the austere life of a nun or some type of a renunciate, but i think that for me that's more of a fantasy than anything else. if it came down to it, i'm not sure i could or i'd want to lead that kind of a life. but recently i realized, in fact it's become glaringly obvious, that living life at the "kitchen-sink level" is a spiritual path in its own right, or at least it can be, depending on your inclinations. there's certainly no shortage of opportunity for growth, no shortage of clhallenges. i am constantly faced with my own shortcomings, and reminded of how and where i can put my energy in order to grow.

i really can see now how any set of circumstances can become an opportunity if you can bring yourself to see them that way. not to romanticize things, or trivialize the hardship that some people find themselves in. i know several people that feel depressed and that find it incredibly difficult to view their circumstances and their current lives as anything else but difficult and miserable. they would laugh at the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" attitude, and i can see their point. of course they are right. i wish i knew what to say to sopmeone like that, but at this time, all i can do is empathise with what they're feeling based on my own experiences with feeling down. and of course love always helps. if i could bring myself to truly show my love for them.

so, after this bit of rambling, i am headed to the co-op to get some groceries, and then home for who knows what? maybe a walk, maybe some cooking? we'll see...

peace

i know why the jolly buddha laughs

sometimes i feel like i'm on the verge of losing myself
in a good way
sometimes i feel like i'm about to lose my mind
in not such a good way

sometimes i am overtaken with frustration and indignation
and i get more and more uptight
other times i feel so free like i'm ready to break free and fly,
just like in my dream

the other day it occured to me
that the lady on the street
who asked me for a quarter,
she started off just like aiyana did.
so how did she get that way?
how did we all get this way?

sometimes i am overwhelmed by the realization
that right now, at this moment, somewhere,
babies are being abused, children are crying with hunger and pain,
people are suffering
and i can't do anything about it
except wish it to be better

sometimes i have to admit and accept that
the people i love
will suffer and i won't be able to help them

sometimes i feel so lucky
to be able to share my kids' lives,
to relive childhood
and rediscover everything through them

sometimes i feel like i'm ready to go
but i want to stick around foe a while,
cuz' things can be so much fun
and i love to laugh

lately i feel like i really understand
and i know why the jolly buddha's laughing

happy!

beautiful day today! sunny and warm. what a treat after last week, which was cold and gray! there was one day last week, tuesday i believe, when everyone i spoke to seemed to be feeling particularly worn out. even sena was sleepy much earlier than usual. i checked the moon, but nothing special was going on, so maybe it was all the grayness.... well, anyway, today is amazing, and i am feeling great, and i have a bit of time to write.

i've been feeling quite elated recently. no particular reason, just the way things are. i love how mundane and how simple my life is. i get overwhelmed, sometimes, with happiness and joy. i don't know what to do with it, so i try to send it out to everyone. i really wish i could share it in a more direct way, but for now i haven't figured out how, except to wish it to everyone else and just to try to be nice in any way i can to the people i come accross. sometimes i really want to tell people that i love them, but i am still fearfull of being misunderstood. but i really do feel a lot of love.

i've never been happy this way in my life before. i've experienced different kind of happiness, don't know how to characterize it, more exotic maybe? exotic in the sense that it was related to things that were not so simple to get, that were challenges of one kind or another.
but the kind of happiness i feel now is a lot simpler. and a lot freer. it's more like a background feeling, rather than a thing to be achieved. maybe it's joy, in the sense that it's not always sweet, but includes sadness as well. this kind of happiness makes me want to bow down low in the dirt and give thanks.

actually, i think i know what it is. i guess in the past, esp when i was in my 20s, i felt happy when i dicovered that i was special in some way or another. like special good looking, or special smart, or some kind of special talent that made me feel good about myself. but that always wore off pretty quickly and i was usually in search of a new high, a new challenge, pretty quickly. this kind of joy i feel now has more to do with the opposite - with realizing that i am nothing special, that i don't have to be, that my life is just so plain, and it's just fine as it is. it has to do with relief at the growing realization that i don't need anything i don't have in order to be happy. it has to do with letting go somewhat of fear and insecurity. maybe it's age. just in the sense that i'm no longer so caught up in my looks or any external stuff (although i still have my bouts with those things). maybe i feel lighter now because i can sit back sometimes and just laugh at myself for being stuck up on one thing or another. these breaks are very welcome.
wow, i didn't expect to write all this, but here it is.

i also wanted to mention this book, but i've been hesitating. it's called "start where you are" and it's written by pema chodron, a tibetan buddhist. over time, i have reached the conclusion that no book will ever solve your problems; neither will anything else - you just need to go through what you need to go through, one day at a time, and you need to discover things at your own pace, over and over again. it's rarely a one shot deal. so for these reasons i now hesitate to recommend anything to anyone....
nevertheless, this book came to me at the perfect time in my life. i feel that it reflects a lot of what i need to hear right now, and it reinforces certain things i need encouragement with. so i thought others might find it interesting too. it's very short and unpretentious, "kitchen-sink" level as the author puts it, yet at the same time very profound. check it out, you might find something that touches you or inspires you in it. or you may not. it's only writing after all - a very poor substitute for what we can learn from rel life experience.

peace

Aiyana’s Birth Story

I finally got Aiyana’s birth story together and I am happy to be able to share it. Thank you to my sister and Ed for helping me type and post it on my blog.
Peace

Aiyana’s Birth

On Tuesday, October 4th, Ed, Sena and I moved to a new house. Surrounded by fields, trees and woods, this was the nicest place we’ve lived in. Yet at the time it was still very new to me, and ideally, I wanted to give birth in a place I felt familiar with. But at 40 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy, we were given no choice by our landlord but to move out of our old apartment (the apartment was aparently too small for 4 people). I had expected the baby to be born at 38 weeks, like Sena, or maybe earlier, but I was wrong. Nature took its own course, as always, regardless of what I expected.
Tuesday night was our first night sleeping in the new house. Neither Ed nor I slept well, but Sena did. I woke up at around 3 am with some cramping. Nothing new – I’d been having mild contractions for about 2 weeks. I fell back asleep and was again woken up, a while later, by more contractions. This pattern continued, and by the time I got up in the morning, I started thinking that this really may be the beginning of labor. At around 8 am, I decided to time the contractions. I wrote down the time at which each one occurred. They seemed to be spaced about 15 minutes apart, so by 9 am, I decided that something was definitely going on.
I was taking care of Sena at the same time, and I couldn’t really focus on what was going on with my body. So I decided to call Dianne, our friend, and ask her to take Sena for one and a half hours or so, to give me time to focus inwards and decide whether I needed to call Ed and Roxi and tell them to come home from work. I did not want them to come home if I didn’t think I’d be giving birth any time soon. Dianne said she’d come over and help. Before she arrived, Sena and I drove to the Husky Bean Café to get a crusty roll for us and a croissant for Dianne. I told the women there, who know us well, that I thought I’d have the baby later that day, and they were all excited. One of them said “So you’re in labor?”. I said “I think so”. I think they were a bit surprised to see me standing there… They wished me luck and we left. When we got back to our house, Dianne was waiting in the driveway. She tried to take care of Sena at the house, but that didn’t work out too well, because Sena wanted me to play with her. I needed time alone, so finally, after unsuccessfully trying to take Sena for a bike ride, Dianne took her to the park. I felt relieved as they drove away, and started to record my contractions again.
It was 10 am, and my contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart. Ed called and I told him what was going on. He said he’d leave work right away and come home. He called Roxi too - she was going to come and help us take care of Sena while I gave birth. I also called Nancy, my midwife, and told her about my contractions. She told me to continue monitoring and to take time for myself to relax. She said she’d call Kim and Genji, my other 2 midwives, and they’d be over in a few hours. All these calls were too much for me. I wished to be alone, in peace. When I was finally by myself and off the phone, I decided to prepare a nice place for birthing.
It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm. The sky was clear blue. The grass was still dewy. I laid down a tarp and a soft blanket on top of it. I lit a stick of incense and sat down. I took in my surroundings – tall grass, woods in the background. An old apple tree nearby. Birds singing. Blue sky and a soft breeze. I felt relieved to finally be alone, in silence. I smiled in gratitude, brought my hands in prayer at the heart and chanted “Ong Na Mo Guru Dev Na Mo” (I bow to the wisdom within) as we do at the beginning of yoga practice. I chanted 3 times and bowed my forehead to the ground. I sat back up and breathed. Everything was perfect.
Before long, I heard a car pull in the driveway. It was Ed and my sister. I told them how I was feeling. My contractions were still 3-5 minutes apart, and not very strong – I could carry on a conversation, walk, etc, and if you didn’t know, I don’t think you could tell I was in labor. Dianne and Sena returned soon after Ed and Roxi arrived. Roxi took Sena to her house, and Dianne left for work. It was hard to see Sena go, but we thought things would be better for all this way.
I told Ed that I didn’t really like the room we’d slept in the previous night, and I’d prefer to move to a different bedroom. He said he’d take care of it. We sat together for a while talking, and then he went inside the house to get the birth supplies ready and work on moving into the new bedroom. I sat outside and continued to breathe. I tried, through my breathing and awareness, to open myself up to the energy of birth. I felt that the more open and out-of-control I was, the easier this energy would move through me and the better everything would go. In the previous weeks, I felt a great need to practice sitting still and to let everything go. I was now grateful for that practice. Being open seemed particularly easy on this beautiful day. I felt blessed to be able to labor outside, in such peaceful surroundings. Over the previous weeks, I had imagined giving birth outside, but I didn’t know how realistic that was – depending on weather, time of day, not to mention a favorable location. Yet now, here I was – everything had come together as I hoped.
I could feel the contractions getting more intense as I sat on my blanket. I decided to take off my dress. There comes a point in labor, when any clothing is too much, feels too restrictive, no matter how loose and comfortable. Luckily, I had plenty of privacy at our new place. I started to walk through the grass, slow steps, still focusing on the breathing. As the contractions got stronger, I started walking in circles around the apple tree, the pattern and its monotony somehow soothing. Once in a while I dropped to the ground on hands and knees to go through a contraction. Eventually the contractions got strong enough that I needed to sit again. Ed brought out another blanket and more pillows and set up a place for me in the shade of the apple tree.
Nancy, my midwife, arrived shortly after 12. She asked me a few questions about the labor. She commented on what a perfect setting to give birth this was. Genji arrived soon after Nancy. All of a sudden I felt really hungry. I asked Ed if he could make me some toast and butter, but as it turned out, we had no butter, so he made me toast and cheese, which I devoured in between contractions. He brought out juice and water so I’d stay well hydrated. He also made Nature Burger sandwiches for the midwives and himself. Ed and the midwives sat with me on the blanket, eating and talking in quiet voices. I felt okay with this, despite not being able to focus fully on my contractions. Ed asked me if I wanted to be left alone and I said no, not wanting to be rude. But when Nancy suggested a little later that they walk away and give me some space, I gladly accepted.
It felt good to be by myself again, and focus all my attention inwards. The midwives came back to the blanket every hour or so, checking on me and the baby’s heart rate. One time they came, I asked them to check how far along I was. Genji checked and said 5 cm. I felt somewhat disappointed (expecting maybe 8 cm), and wished I hadn’t asked. I was afraid that my disappointment would reflect negatively on my labor and make me lose courage. I thought “I’m only 5 cm and have to go all the way to 10.” Only half way there… As far as I was concerned, I felt as if I was already in transition, yet by Genji’s estimate, I was quite a ways away from it I wondered how I’d cope with the stronger contractions yet to come.
It was 2 pm. The contractions increased in intensity until around 3:30, when I started feeling the urge to push. As soon as I felt it, I got up and started walking towards the house. I called for Ed. Kim, my other midwife, came outside to meet me. She had arrived sometime earlier. I asked her to get Ed, and when he came, I told them I wanted to get in the bathtub. I hadn’t planned this, yet here I was, wanting to be in the water as soon as I felt like pushing. Nancy later told us that animals instinctively search for a sheltered place to give birth, a place where they can feel protected and out of danger. Maybe this instinct drove me indoors, out of the open and into the safety of our small tub.
Just as I was about to enter into the house, I got a contraction. I leaned all my weight against Ed and he supported me through it. We walked to the bathroom, and I got another contraction at the door, which Ed also supported me through. Ed commented that “This is deja-vu”, meaning the trip to the tub, which had been identical in Sena’s birth.
Kim turned the water on and I got in. The water was running cold. I heard Ed say “Oh shit”, but then the oil heater kicked on, and he said we should have hot water in a minute. He was right. I sat in the tub and leaned back. I didn’t feel comfortable, but before I could make a change, a contraction came on. It felt very strong and my water broke with a loud “pop”. It took all my energy to cope and not lose myself. What would happen if I freaked out, I asked myself… Nothing would happen - nobody could help me. I had to do this all alone. I knew I could do it, but I had to keep myself together. Things would only get harder and more frantic if I lost my peace. I felt that giving in to the temptation to scream and act helpless was not really an alternative. I could not picture myself that way, anyway, so I didn’t do it. Although I have to admit that I am extremely lucky as far as my births go – they are short and uncomplicated. Were they longer, like some women who labor for days, I’m not sure I could hold myself together. I have to really admire those women.
For the second contraction, I got myself in a better position – on my knees and leaning with my arms and head over the side of the tub. I was able to push much better this way. For the first contraction, I had tried vocalizing like I did with Sena – a low grunt, like an animal. But for the second I just kept silent and channeled all my energy into pushing - this felt better. I could not and cannot believe the energy we summon during these contractions. Although they are fairly long – minutes – I felt like I could not even breathe, just did not have the space to – and all I had went into pushing. Nothing I could do about it either – it wasn’t really my decision to push or not to – it just happened, as impersonally and as unmistakably as any force in nature.
I could now feel the baby’s head about half an inch away from coming out. On the third contraction, I knew the head was coming out. I fumbled about and felt that half of the baby’s head was out. I heard someone say “She’s gonna catch her own baby”. I hadn’t paid any attention to what was going on in the room till this point. Now I thought I needed someone to catch the baby. But nobody other than myself seemed to know that the head was out. The position I was in made it impossible for anyone to see what was going on, unless they were lying flat on the bottom of the tub… When the third push ended, I looked up and said “Are you gonna get it?”
I must’ve taken them all by surprise. There was some hustling – and then I could feel Ed reaching for the baby. He was surprised to find how much of the head was already out. He said “I can feel the cheeks”. When the fourth pushing contraction came, I gave it all I had, hoping, knowing that this would be it. Ed said “Here come the shoulders”, and then I felt the tremendous relief I remembered for Sena’s birth – the baby was out. Ed brought the baby out of the water and put her on my belly. She was purple – a little more so than Sena – but I wasn’t worried – she moved and gave some nice cries. I asked the midwives if they thought she was okay – they said she looked great. Ed asked if we had a boy or a girl – I looked and said she was a girl. The mood was light and happy as I sat in the water holding the baby in my arms. The midwives brought warm receiving blankets and covered the baby with them.
After a few minutes, I decided to get out of the tub and move into the bedroom. I delivered the placenta in the bedroom, about an hour after the baby was born. The midwives recorded some numbers – time of birth: 3:49 pm, weight 7 lb 11 oz, length 21 in. Just a little bigger than Sena was at birth. The midwives hung around for a few more hours, observing me and the baby, and then they left. Ed, I and the baby stayed in bed, relaxing and nursing.
I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. The main event after the birth was Sena coming home with my sister and Ricardo. She was reluctant to come in the bedroom at first because of the midwives being there. But once she did come in and saw the baby, she got very happy and excited. She had a big smile on her face as she looked at the baby and touched her so gently. She seemed to love the baby’s feet and toes, which she played with, making cute giggly sounds. We could not believe how careful and gentle she was.
After a few days, we named the baby Aiyana, a Native American name which means “eternal blossom”. As with Sena, I feel humbled that this new soul came into the world through me, and I look forward to our journey in this life together.

a bridge

it seems to me that the harder things get, the lighter i feel. not right away, but eventually.
things have been pretty rough lately, in many ways.
physically - the lack of sleep, having only 2 arms, etc.
emotionally - dealing with my new responsibilities to my kids, my lack of time for myself, etc.
spiritually - being compassionate twds myself and others.
this last one is especially hard. i find it the hardest to be compassionate twds those closest to me. like when i'm tired and overwhelmed, and i can see ed feeling that way too, i tend to want to blame him for not helping me instead of trying to be there for him. all he wants is a hug, usually. not that the hug would resolve everything or take away his problems. it's not that easy. but a hug would tell him i care. he should know that anyway, i tell myself. but why do i find it so hard to give him a hug just at that moment? why is it so much easier to feel frustrated twds him instead, and sorry for myself at the same time?

same thing with my parents. my relationship w them provides a real test of my beliefs / ideals. i can think all these lofty thoughts about peace and love, yet when it comes to my parents it's so easy to have things disintegrate into anger and frustration. total lack of communicatin. blaming each other. resentment.

my mother tries to help with the kids. she comes all the way here from montreal. yet last time she came, we had a few tiffs and she had to go back to montreal crying. i felt really bad about that. what kind of person would do that? why can't i be mature enough to hold back the hurtful things. i know what i'm doing to hurt her, why can't i stop it? sounds so easy, seems so easy when i sit and think about it - yet years of entrenched behavior make it much harder in practice.
well, my mom's back. trying to help again. we had a talk. i think we're both feeling better for it. all that pain and all the stuff that had built up inside feels released - and i am much lighter for it. i know this is not a one time lesson. i'll have to relearn it again and again, i am sure. i'll over-react again, hurt her again, as she will hurt me again. but i hope we can both remember that the bridge between us is beyond what we say, beyond what we agree and disagree with. it's in the fact that when i see her crying i automatically feel like crying too. and it's even beyond that. maybe more in the fact that we both get upset, we both forgive, we're both perfect imperfect human beings, as is everyone else.

peace
raluca

writing...

I found a couple of interesting pieces on writing, and since I know that at least one good friend is interested in writing, I decided to share them. I found the first one in “The Sun”, Sept 2005 issue, and it appears in the back on p47. The author is Sy Safransky:

“In college I was a political-science major who never took a creative-writing class. I went to graduate school to study journalism not because I wanted to be a writer but because I wanted to change the world. I didn’t even start to write poetry or keep a journal until I was in my midtwenties. That’s when I saw the earth breathe, and discovered that everything was alive, and realized that if I wanted to report the biggest story of all – to describe not just the facts but the truth – I’d need to learn how to use a living, breathing language. Even after all these years, though, I’m hardly confident of my craft. And let’s face it: my inner critic is not my biggest fan. Each time I start a new essay, I have to remind myself I don’t write an essay by writing an essay. I write by putting down sentence after sentence, good sentences and bad sentences, handsome sentences and homely sentences. If the words are alive, my paragraphs don’t need to show up wearing expensive suits and ties of Italian silk. Sometimes it helps to remember the poet William Stafford’s advice: “If you don’t like what you’re writing, lower your standards.”

I found the other piece I wanted to share in my notebook “We’Moon ’06: In the spirit of love”, but the original source is Amma, Messages from Amma:

“It’s the amount of love, of heart,
you pour into your work
that determines how beautiful
and meaningful it will be.”

Peace and health to you in the New Year!!!

Sick (12/21/05)

It’s been a while since I wrote, and I’ve missed it. I started writing a couple of times, but never got too far with it…
So before anything else, I just want to wish everyone Happy Holidays and a peaceful new year. Also, since today is solstice, happy solstice, isn’t it great that the days will be getting longer? Makes me feel so hopeful…

The latest news with me is that I’ve been sick over the past few days. I got a plugged milk duct in my breast, which got infected. I had this before, but this time it was the worst. I read and I’ve been told that the main reason for getting this is lack of adequate rest, which explains why I only got it once with Sena, but I already had it 4 times so far with Aiyana. Good sleep is much harder to get with two kids as compared with just one.

I guess I’ve been wearing myself out a little too much, and I just can’t find the time to recover. I felt really sick on Monday and Tuesday – my whole body ached, like it does when you have a bad flu, my head pounded, and I felt nauseous. I felt so bad that I could not even sleep although that is what I needed most. It kind of knocked me off my feet so I could not do anything. Fortunately Ed was able to take off from work and take care of sena and aiyana. He took them out so I could get some rest. Finally, this morning I woke up feeling much better, although still not 100%, but definitely a lot more positive mentally. The worst part of this whole thing was feeling helpless, guilty and depressed. I felt that I could not handle two kids and that my body was just giving up on me. I just didn’t know what to do and felt overwhelmed and alone. I can definitely understand now why extended families are the norm in so many societies, past and present. having that extra help, someone you trust to help out with the kids, house or whatever once in a while is so important. I’ve had some help from friends and family, but for some reason I still got sick. But I feel much better today, and hopefully I’ll figure out a way so that this does not keep repeating.

Well, I can definitely say that mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, on every level – physically, mentally, emotionally. And on a spiritual level, I guess all I can say is my daughters are my best teachers – they are teaching me to break all kinds of bonds and attachments, which can be extremely hard at times, but I am always grateful for later. Some time ago, a woman told me that when she complained that she could not find any time to practice yoga because of her kids, her teacher said “they are your yoga”. I can fully appreciate what she meant now.

peace

peace

without trying to sound pretentions or preachy or anything like that, i just want to take this chance and remind or encourage everyone to work in any way they can towards Peace on Earth. i realize this sounds like a big project, but i mean it in any way that suits people - whether it be by being kind to your family and friends, by having peaceful thoughts and feelings, by engaging in some type of peaceful activism, by sharing with others, by being kind and forgiving to yourself, by laughing instead of striking out, by saying a prayer, or whatever works for you.

this is truly my greatest wish at this time, and i am trying to figure out ways in which i can be a more peaceful person myself, and how i can contribute to peace on a greater scale. i figured that sharing my thoughts with others is one way. being a good mom is another. and there are countless other ways, i am sure.

also, about 2 weeks ago was john lennon's death aniversary. 25 years since he was killed. i heard a documentary on the radio about him. i hadn't realized how much he dreamed and worked for peace. it was inspiring in many ways and sad in some. i'm sure there's some info on it if you check it out on line. the documentary was put together by NPR i believe, but i heard it on the college radiostation in my area (WHUS, university of connecticut).

peace

Wish list

I’ve been asked what I want for Christmas this year, so here’s my real wish list:

I wish to be able to stay calm and peaceful
Through screaming and fussing, through Sena getting into trouble like she did this morning
I wish to be kind and gentle,
To be understanding and compassionate no matter what the circumstance
I wish to be able to respond to everyone’s needs without resentment
I wish to cry when I need to, without embarrassment
I wish to be able to apologize when I take my frustrations out on those closest to me
I wish that they understand and forgive me.
I wish to be able to get through these early months for Aiyana gracefully

I wish to take my anger and frustration, my fatigue and weariness,
Convert them into love, and return them that way
I wish to break free of the hold my ego has on me
I wish to be a source of comfort and soothing for Sena and Aiyana regardless of what’s going on
I wish to laugh despite the exhaustion
I wish to be the kind of mother I want to be

I wish for a clean bathroom all the time
I wish that all my hair does not turn white in the next two months (or years)
I wish that holding them will always feel this good
I wish for a little time alone without guilt
I wish to be able to look back on this time and smile

I wish that all people may put their children to bed in safety and peace
I wish that Aiyana’s soft eyes never harden their gaze
I wish that one day light may shine out through the cracks that mark my character