a bridge

it seems to me that the harder things get, the lighter i feel. not right away, but eventually.
things have been pretty rough lately, in many ways.
physically - the lack of sleep, having only 2 arms, etc.
emotionally - dealing with my new responsibilities to my kids, my lack of time for myself, etc.
spiritually - being compassionate twds myself and others.
this last one is especially hard. i find it the hardest to be compassionate twds those closest to me. like when i'm tired and overwhelmed, and i can see ed feeling that way too, i tend to want to blame him for not helping me instead of trying to be there for him. all he wants is a hug, usually. not that the hug would resolve everything or take away his problems. it's not that easy. but a hug would tell him i care. he should know that anyway, i tell myself. but why do i find it so hard to give him a hug just at that moment? why is it so much easier to feel frustrated twds him instead, and sorry for myself at the same time?

same thing with my parents. my relationship w them provides a real test of my beliefs / ideals. i can think all these lofty thoughts about peace and love, yet when it comes to my parents it's so easy to have things disintegrate into anger and frustration. total lack of communicatin. blaming each other. resentment.

my mother tries to help with the kids. she comes all the way here from montreal. yet last time she came, we had a few tiffs and she had to go back to montreal crying. i felt really bad about that. what kind of person would do that? why can't i be mature enough to hold back the hurtful things. i know what i'm doing to hurt her, why can't i stop it? sounds so easy, seems so easy when i sit and think about it - yet years of entrenched behavior make it much harder in practice.
well, my mom's back. trying to help again. we had a talk. i think we're both feeling better for it. all that pain and all the stuff that had built up inside feels released - and i am much lighter for it. i know this is not a one time lesson. i'll have to relearn it again and again, i am sure. i'll over-react again, hurt her again, as she will hurt me again. but i hope we can both remember that the bridge between us is beyond what we say, beyond what we agree and disagree with. it's in the fact that when i see her crying i automatically feel like crying too. and it's even beyond that. maybe more in the fact that we both get upset, we both forgive, we're both perfect imperfect human beings, as is everyone else.

peace
raluca