In Montreal, at last!

Finally, after almost 2 years, we were able to travel and see my parents in Montreal!!!

See you there!

Into the magic of each ordinary day

That's where I'll always meet you

peace

Two little videos from my porch

 Cats, ducks, flowers and a cup of coffee: https://youtu.be/SDxbtQxNzrQ

A little bumblebee friend: https://youtu.be/TxX0XCEKzCc

I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Peace

Classics - Poezii

One day I want to share some of these books with Sena and Aiyana. These are some of the old, classic Romanian poets. They are really amazing. In Romania, we had to memorize their poems for school. These books smell like our house in Bucharest where I grew up. When I smell that smell, it makes me happy and also it makes me want to cry. Such is the life of an immigrant. I know I'm not alone feeling this way :)

Peace

Traitor

I proved a traitor to you when

I loved again.

I proved no traitor to you when

I never loved the same.

peace

Knowing

But when we meet again
I'll say my name
And you won't know me

You'll have to listen to the silence
To know
That we have known each other
All along

peace

Some updates

The summer is almost over and I feel like so much has happened, that it made it fly by even faster than usual. Here are a few updates:

About 2 weeks ago, I had my last procedure related to my gallbladder. It was an endoscopy, in which they gave me anesthesia and removed a stent they had put in my bile duct to keep it open. It was a day procedure, and I did not have to stay in the hospital overnight. Everything went well, and since then, I've been feeling really well. I would even venture to say that I am now feeling better than I have in years. I'm still working on my anemia, which I developed due to blood loss after my first endoscopy back in June, but that is slowly improving as well.

The other piece of big news is that, unexpectedly, I received a job offer from the school where Aiyana goes, EO Smith. I worked with them in 2019-2020, and just recently they had a teacher leave and offered me the position. Even though I was supposed to start working in Hartford at the end of August, I could not refuse the offer from EOS. This school is literally one mile from my house, plus I know the science department and really like everyone I worked with there. Plus it's the school where Aiyana goes, and my niece Julia, so there are a lot of advantages. I will be teaching Physical Science and Geology to start, with other options opening up in future years. I am very excited about this unexpected development and I am so grateful that they wanted me back and that everything went so fast and easy. I do feel bad about Hartford though, especially since I know they are having a really hard time filling the Physics position. I am trying to help the principal find another Physics teacher. If you know of anyone in this area, please let me know.

In other news, we are hoping to finally be able to see my parents in a week or so, now that the Canadian/US border has reopened. We haven't seen them in about 2 years!

I will end here, sending my best to everyone.

peace

Update on my procedure

Help me to walk in such a way
As if each moment
I was entering
Your sacred garden

I am so happy that my final procedure in my gallbladder saga went well at Hartford Hospital this morning!!!

I feel so grateful to all the medical personnel who helped me, and my family and friends and all those who told me they were thinking about me, praying for me, and wished me well.  I felt much less afraid this time because of all of you ❤️

Though I am still a bit weak from the anesthetic, I feel spiritually renewed. Indeed, I know now that each step and each breath we take is precious. Our lives and everyone else's lives are precious. All we need is to recognize it. I am so glad to be in this world with all of you for as long as we have, and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to contribute to making it beautiful in any way I can.

Peace

A little practice I really like

I want to share a little practice I've been doing first thing in the morning and last thing before I fall asleep at night. I find it very helpful and soothing, and I thought maybe you'd find it helpful too.

You could call this practice praying, or you could call it mindfulness meditation, or you can call it whatever you want. Basically, what it is, is focusing my attention, remembering and sending well wishes to many different people.

I think about people in hospitals, who are alone and afraid, and pray for them, for health and help.

I think about children who are sick or hungry or in unsafe situations, and send them well wishes, that they may feel loved and cared for.

I think about all the helpers out there in their many forms: those who take care of the sick; teachers; farmers; healers; cleaners; activists; everyone who does a little part to help the whole. I wish them health and strength.

I think about those in power, those who I agree with and those who I disagree with. I send them prayers and well wishes so that they may see clearly and make good decisions.

I think about the bullies and the aggressive ones, and wish them healing from whatever is hurting them so they may live their lives in a better way.

I think about the plants and animals and fungi and bacteria and our amazing Earth. I send gratitude for all we take to sustain ourselves, and for all the beauty.

I think about other things, and as I do, I feel connected to them and send well wishes.

I originally stared this practice because I couldn't do my regular meditation, since I couldn't sit due to my surgery. Now I continue to do it, even though I can sit again. I find it to be a really good way to focus my mind, and stay present. Of course my mind still strays a lot, but this practice gives me something very concrete to come back to.

The other thing I found is that this meditation makes me feel less afraid, less alone, more connected. It also helps me to remember to take positive action in my daily life. 

I hope you find something useful in it too.

peace

Presence is the antidote to fear

Always, we must be willing to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves
Losing the cage of our self centered thinking,
It's not as easy as it seems
But it is necessary
So that we might open
To the thousand things

Did you ever feel like there is so much richness in every single moment, that you are about to explode if you take it all in? And did you ever feel, when stuck in your own head, in the usual thinking patterns, that all is drab and lifeless?
What makes the difference?

This morning, I was worried about my upcoming surgery. Worried about what might go wrong, and so on. I was so caught up in my thinking, that even though I was sitting in my beautiful garden, I noticed nothing but my fear. Then I remembered to be present, to come back to what's right in front of me. I noticed the purple dhalia in the picture; I noticed three tiny wasps buzzing around it. I noticed the hummingbird visiting my Rose of Sharon. In this state of presence, I forgot about my fears. It was only for a few moments, to be sure, before they returned, but, I felt at peace.

So the question is: am I those fears, or am I the presence I so briefly experienced? Right now, I think I'm both. And I think that's okay, as long as I remember that at any moment, I can choose.

Wishing you all moments of peace and presence, and always the remembering that we have choice.

Peace

A great day!

The girls and I had such a great day today. We went to a cafe in Mystic and then to the Fantastic Umbrella Factory in RI. 

I am so happy as you can see.

Only this

No perfection

Only beauty

No permanence

Only preciousness

No promises, no regrets

Only the undeniable here, now

Peace

Bloom

Through storms and sunny skies
She blooms

-rm

We all have gifts to share. We cannot wait for the perfect time or conditions, because there's no such thing. Whatever we have that can be of use, we must share now. Some of us are good listeners, some of us are teachers, some are skilled with their hands, some are great caretakers, and so on.

Some of us who are going through a hard time can use our experience to understand others who are going through the same thing and extend love and compassion to them. We can turn our hardship into our gift, helping us to ease the suffering of others, and our own too in the process.

Whatever our gifts, we must let them bloom. We share what we have not as a way to receive recognition, not as a way to compare or define ourselves relative to others. We share as a way to contribute our energy to the world, as a gift to the world, our own unique gift that nobody else can give, and as a way to help and be part of the whole. When we ask ourselves"Why am I here?" or "What is my purpose?", to me, this is it.

So bloom, beautiful people, and together we'll make a lovely field of flowers.

Peace

Whatever we're doing can be the practice

How fragile and how beautiful

This sense of self

Simply a construct

But one so deeply sown

Stretch out my friend

Right here in front of you

Is all that lies beyond

Seeing ourselves and others clearly brings only compassion. We must break the invisible bubble we have created around ourselves to protect and define ourselves, which only isolates and leads us to suffering. How? Mindfulness, awareness, presence. Practice. Practice! Whatever we're doing can be our practice. As long as we're present for it.

Who taught your heart to bloom? Can you feel it?

Wild flowers

Rare love

In transience we dwell

And still,

Forever you

The blooming of my heart

-rm

Peace

Understanding is loving

Nobody knows what your authentic self is
Including you
Take on the challenge of discovery
With a sense of glee and adventure
And know that you can never really know
But you can understand

-rm

You can never fully know, but you can understand.

What's the difference between knowledge and understanding? Knowledge is dry though useful, understanding is transformative.

Had a bit of fun coming up with the lines above this morning.

Been pondering a lot my place and my role since my illness. No hard answers yet, maybe never. Lots of fear about losing what I am and what I think I love, fear of illness or something else unexpected taking everything away.  Grieving and feeling for those who are facing loss of their lives, loss of their loved ones, fear, loneliness.

But also, unexpectedly: glimpses of clearing and illumination; an expansion beyond my previously narrow definitions. An appreciation of everything ordinary and mundane and a feeling of connection. An openness and a glee at being able to be here another day, stumbling about awkwardly and somehow beautifully at the same time.

Peace

We are

"Banish the word "struggle".
All we do now, must be done in a sacred manner, as a celebration.
For we are the ones we've been waiting for."

- paraphrased from Pema Chodron's teachings.

I love this teaching, and am so grateful for it.

We all have sacred work to do in service of each other and the world. To do this work is not a struggle but a great privilege. May we be able to come from a place of presence and awareness, with an open heart; may we be able to see clearly what is needed; and may we do our work in the world gladly and joyously, for we are the ones we've been waiting for.

The kind of work I'm talking about here is not showy or flashy. It may be your job, but it doesn't have to be. It can be the smallest act, the most mundane thing: cleaning someone's house, helping an animal out of the road, smiling at someone, saying a kind word to a stranger, and so on. What's important is HOW we do this work. How we approach it and each other: without expectations, with a sense of openness and gladness. Without resentment.

Let me know if you need anything 🙂

Peace

The seed

How we relate to each moment

Becomes the seed

For the rest of our lives

-rm

We may not have control over what each moment brings us. External conditions and circumstances make some moments pleasant, others not. But what we DO have control over is HOW WE RELATE to each moment. Do we reject, ignore, try to escape it? Do we accept it, remain present? Do we see what is, or do we try to delude ourselves with fantasies of what could be, would be, etc?

Remaining clearly present in the moment, regardless of how comfortable or uncomfortable it is, without spinning too much of a story about it, is a difficult but also simple and very important practice. Because how we relate with this moment plants the seed for our future moments.

If we deny and try to escape this present moment by imagining some fantasy about the future, we are sowing seeds for further dissatisfaction and suffering. If we can relate with this moment peacefully, simply and without taking it personally, we sow seeds of peace and understanding for future moments.

Our culture is built upon rejecting the current moment. We are conditioned to always want more, better, something different, something new. Advertisements would not work very well if we were taught to be content with what is. So, to learn to accept and be present with what is, rather than always hope for some escape, to learn to enjoy and accept ourselves as we are right now, that is very difficult in this culture and very unusual.

To learn to accept does not mean to become passive. Quite the opposite. To accept what is and where we find ourselves right now is the only basis for effective action. We cannot act in a constructive way for ourselves and others, unless we can see, understand, and accept what is happening right now.

The great thing is that when we can give ourselves, and each moment, this kind of acceptance, then we can also extend ourselves to others in a natural way. Acceptance and understanding are the basis for love and compassion.

Thank you for reading. I hope you found something useful here, as I share some things I learned from my own journey.

Peace

A beautiful day

A little video I made this morning of the ducks and my container garden.

https://youtu.be/XCoEWnFnmbM

And some pictures from an outing today with the girls and their friend, Emma. We went to Elizabeth park in Hartford, and then to Harvest Cafe in West Hartford.

Scary or comforting?

The scariest

Or perhaps the most comforting realization

Is that

Life Will Go On

Without us.

It's all in how we define ourselves

Where do I end

And where does everything else begin?

Empty of a separate self,

I am

The secret

The secret of happiness

Is to learn to enjoy

The ordinary

-rm

Rather than waiting for far off things to bring what we think will make us happy, practicing awareness of each moment can transform our perception of the ordinary into sincere appreciation and joy.

The practice

Upon this shaky ground

Of being

I step uncertainly;

In search of solid footing

I find there's no such thing.

The only path that rises up before me:

The practice

Of letting go

Of everything I ever thought I was

Of holding only love

Through every ordinary moment

Peace

A little update

Hi everyone,

It's a beautiful day and I wanted to give you a little update where I'm at.

First, to put what's been going on over the past 3 weeks (which feel more like 3 months) in perspective, I'm just going to start by saying that gallbladder problems are huge in my family. Both my grandfathers died from gallbladder. My mom and aunt had theirs removed uneventfully.

So, back to my situation, as you may be able to see from the picture, I am now up and about and feeling pretty good, everyday a little bit stronger. My blood work is looking better too. My liver numbers are almost back to normal, from previously elevated values, which were due to my bile duct being blocked. When my bile duct was blocked, I also turned yellow, which was pretty scary. But now it's all looking much better.

The other problem I had, is that I bled after my first surgery, which made my red blood cell numbers drop below the normal. This gave me anemia, which made me feel really weak and tired. Those numbers are also looking better, although they are not back to normal yet. They take a while. I'm still feeling somewhat dizzy, although honestly I'm not sure how much of that is related to the heat.

In general, everyday I feel a little bit better and stronger. I go for several walks every day, and I rest a lot too. I do a little bit of cooking, but not much. Other than that, I also started preparing for my next school year, which is pretty exciting.

I feel like this illness has in some ways been a godsend. It's been very scary, no doubt, but at the same time I feel that it has allowed me to clear my mind and refocus my life in a way like nothing else could. Sometimes I think that when they cleaned out my gallbladder, they also cleaned out my mental state along with it :)

I still have one more surgery to go through, which is coming up mid july, assuming that I continue to recover well by then. This one will be similar to my first surgery, where they cleaned out my bile duct (my second surgery was to take out my gallbladder). At this third surgery, they need to go in and remove a stent which they put in to keep my bile duct open. Hopefully, this will be uneventful.

I still think daily about the people I met and saw in the hospital, both the people who were ill, and the people who work there. There's a lot of suffering, and some people have nobody to bear with them. The hospital staff in general are great, and I am very grateful to them for saving my life,  but as I said before, I think that as humans we need more than professional care, more than they can provide with their busy, understaffed schedules. We need to know that somebody is there with us, somebody cares for us, and somebody is looking out for us on an emotional level. I was lucky because I had that from family and friends, but some people don't.

When I went in for my gallbladder removal surgery, I was pretty scared. I had a team of doctors and nurses who were going to be working on me, and at one point just before I was about to go in, I said to one nurse "I have a weird request, can you please hold my hand as you're giving me the anesthetic?". She was so nice, and she said it was not weird at all, and from that point on she continually called me sunshine and honey bunches and all kind of endearments like that, which at the time did not sound corny at all but rather gave me comfort. 

So I do think about all those people who are out there alone, scared and suffering, and I meditate on sending them my best possible wishes and love, and prayers. If by any chance, you are looking for some kind of volunteer activity and you have free time that you would like to dedicate to others, I really think that going in and simply sitting with somebody who is suffering and has nobody else to be with them is a huge gift and one of the best things you can do. I will definitely keep that in mind as I continue to recover and move through my life.

So, to sum it up, I am feeling good and positive, though also a bit emotionally scarred from what happened (but I'll get over it), and also grateful.

I will make it my practice to never ever take things for granted again, things such as my health and basically everything around me, my daily life, and every mundane thing.

Sending my best to all of you ❤️

Peace

Big love

Thank you so much, everyone!!! I truly appreciate your thoughts, prayers and good wishes. Since last time I wrote, I had another gallbladder attack and had to go back to the hospital. They took out my gallbladder, and the surgery went well. I am now home recovering, with great support from my family. They are amazing and do everything for me, from putting on my clothes, massaging me and going out for small walks with me. I am so lucky and grateful to have them.

This was a tough way to get me back to appreciate what's truly important and to get me out of my head. I've seen a lot of suffering in the hospital and I've also seen a lot of great people trying to help in whichever way they can. I'm convinced now that this is our purpose and calling, to help each other and the world in any way we can, through acts small and large, throughout our daily lives. I'm sorry that I made my life so complicated with all the thinking before, when in reality it really is very simple: taking care of ourselves and others so we can be present and appreciate our lives. There's nothing to seek for. It's already all here.

 I've also learned not to take anything for granted. I've never looked at the world the way I did after getting out from the hospital. The smallest flower and insect seems a delight and a miracle. It's a tough way to get to appreciate your life through such an experience, but I guess we all receive what we need. Thank you so much again. I appreciate every one of you. Big love, health and help to all of you ❤️

 Peace

The only things

Love and

The present moment:

The only things we'll ever have

-rm

......

Everything that we have been given will be taken away. Our possessions, our titles, our accomplishments, and even our bodies. The only thing we really have is the present moment and the love we give. Because true love extends and connects us beyond ourselves in a way nothing else can. In each moment we are capable of love. This is not the kind of love that is solely concerned with satisfying one's needs. This is a more fundamental love that affirms our unity and interdependence. 

......

These are some thoughts I've had lately after my scary experience in the hospital. I feel like my mind has been cleared through this experience.

In a physical sense too, I am doing better, healing and recovering. Now I need to get in the best shape possible before my next surgery in July.

Peace

Greatest practice and achievement

To go about our daily lives

Without resentment,

With appreciation and openness

With patience and always remembering

Fundamental goodness

Is the greatest practice and achievement of our lifetime

Pray

Every day since I got out of the hospital, I've been thinking about the people I met there. Honestly, it was traumatic and sobering to be there. So many people suffering and alone. I was very lucky that I had Ed and my sister, who came and stayed with me as much as they were allowed to, and who fought for me when I did not have the strength to. I trusted them and I knew that they were there for me 100%.  I was never alone, and still, I was scared. But some of the people in there were alone, and they didn't have the support I had, and were confused and in pain, and I can only imagine how mush worse they must have felt than I.

One woman who was in the bed next to me was so weak, and in pain, and not feeling like she was getting any answers from the doctors. Her husband was not advocating for her, and her children did not seem involved either. I asked her if she had anyone else she coud turn to, and she said God. So I told her to keep praying, and I told her that I'd pray for her too, because I really think she needed to hear that. I also gave her my number. But I did also pray for her, in my own way, which may not be her way, but I think it's the same intention and the same energy. I also prayed and remember all the rest of the people who are laying in hospitals alone and suffering and scared. 

Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful for the hospital and doctors and all the personnel who were there to assist me and help me get better. The technology is amazing, and what they can do is not to be underestimated. I would have died without their help. I truly believe that they are doing their best for all their patients. But at some point, there's also a need for comfort and a human dimension that they do not provide. The hospital system is a machine, with so many people coming and going, and as you lay there, it is easy to feel alone and scared, unless you have strong support from somewhere else. For some, their only source of support is prayer. So prayer is really important.

I am so lucky that I was able to get back to my life, which now seems so perfect. All I wanted when I was laying in the hospital, not knowing what was happening, is to get back to my life and all its so-called "problems". It's so cliche, and we hear it so much; I've heard it all my life, how we should be grateful for what we have, etc, etc. But I did not really, truly feel the depth of it until this week, when by comparison to what I was going through, and what I was seeing others go through, everything I had been worried about seemed ridiculous. I wrote this in my journal while still in the hospital on Tuesday:

"When I get better from this, I want to remember the important things:

Being healthy. Being here. That's it! Everything else works out somehow.

When you wake up in the morning and you are healthy, and your family is healthy, what else do you need? Just rejoice in that. And go about doing whatever you are doing that day without stress and without resentment. Just going through our daily, mundane life, is the greatest gift."

I pray for all those who are sick and scared and alone, and for all those who are suffering; may they have health and help.

Peace

But

But,

"Did you celebrate?"

- Quote from my hospital bed neighbor who was not fully aware and raved all night, and among other things asked "Did you celebrate?". I am not sure in what context she meant it, but I think that it's a perfect question to keep with us in the context of our everyday lives. Because in the end, each mundane and ordinary day, with all its problems and annoyances, is indeed worthy of celebration.

Peace 

Good to be home!

I spent some time in Hartford Hospital for gall stones, and had to have a surgery. Will have to go back in this week for another procedure.

I am so grateful to my family who lost some sleep because of me, especially Ed!

It's so good to be back home. I am feeling okay but it will take a while to get back to normal.

Just enjoying laying down outside now. I feel like everything around me looks like a miracle. 

Peace 

Poppies, quince and a wall of peas in the garden

Today's little video.

Took some inspiration from my friend Emily today, and got out there in this not-so-pleasant heat to share a few beautiful things with you.

Peace

Graduation essay

I and 4 other 2021 teacher-graduates in my program were asked to write an essay, which we could turn into a speech to deliver on graduation day. (This is referring to the teacher certification program I just completed through ARC: Alternate Route to Certification.)

My speech did not get  selected, which makes sense to me in retrospect, because I think I made it a bit too personal, but this is what came out of me as I wrote it late one night, and I did not want to edit and make it into something else. In any case, I am glad I had the opportunity to write it, because I think it helped me clarify and clear out some things I needed to revisit inside myself. I thought I'd share it with you, so here it is:

~~~

Many of us have asked or been asked the question: “Who is the best teacher you ever had?”. Or, conversely, “Who is the worst teacher you ever had?”.

Well, for me, the answer to both these questions is the same: Mr. O’Brian. A real teacher, whose name I changed to protect his identity.

Mr. O’Brian was my Physics teacher. He was the best teacher I ever had because he kindled in me the love of Physics. I later went on to become an engineer due to that love, and now, here I am, a Physics teacher. Mr. O'Brian’s classes were fun and engaging. He was great at explaining things, making even the driest concepts and equations seem interesting and relevant. His classes had a relaxed yet structured atmosphere. I loved his class.

But Mr. O'Brian was also the worst teacher I ever had. How is that possible? Well, at the time, I was 17 and a newly arrived immigrant. My mastery of the English language was not great. My understanding of cultural norms was barely nascent. Mr. O'Brian would make jokes I did not understand. They were jokes at my expense, making fun of the way I dressed. The rest of class laughed. I laughed too because I did not understand. Only years later did it dawn on me what the jokes really were about. When I realized this, I felt betrayed. Up to that point, Mr. O'Brian had been a sort of hero for me, but when I understood how he had disrespected me in front of class, I felt deeply hurt.

Even so, my love of Physics continued. And I am still grateful to him for that.

I now find myself in the same position that Mr. O'Brian was in when I took his class. I am a Physics teacher. Many of my students are 17, the same age I was when I took Mr. O'Brian’s class.

I strive to make Physics fun for my students; I want to make it engaging; I want them to want to know more; like I did when I was their age; I want them to look around them and marvel at the new ways in which they can understand the world because of physics.

But, even more importantly, I want my students to feel respected, welcomed and cared for. ARC has taught me that if we, as teachers, don’t have a strong connection with students, we don’t have much. Our knowledge, our skills, our experience will not go very far without the fundamental piece that is a strong rapport with the students.

One of the most important things we are asked to reflect on throughout the ARC program is our “why”. Why are we entering this profession? Why do we want to become teachers? I’ve had several versions of my why, which evolved over time. All of these revolved around my desire to make a positive difference in the life of children, but none was satisfactory, until one day, a seemingly banal statement made by my doctor became my why.

That day, I was not feeling well. I went to see my doctor, and we made some small talk about how hard this year of Covid has been for everyone, especially students. At the end of my visit, as I said goodbye and was about to walk out the door, he made a comment, almost like an afterthought. He said “Just do what you can to help”.

As I walked to my car, I realized: that’s it. It all comes down to that. I believe that in one way or another, all of us here, who are entering the teaching profession, fundamentally, just want to do what we can to help.

But sometimes, simply having a good intention is not enough. That’s where ARC comes in. In less than one year, ARC has given us the tools we need to be able to take our good intentions and effectively put them into practice.

This has been a difficult year: from covid, to political turmoil, racial injustice, and a host of other problems. We have had to conduct the entire ARC program remotely, and our Practicums were done in a format never done before. Yet, despite these challenges, we’ve learned so much from our teachers and fellow students. In these short nine months, we have laid the foundations for the rest of our careers, and we have built relationships with each other that are sure to last, despite the remote environment.

In the end, whether here at ARC, or in our own classrooms, it all comes down to relationships. My methods teachers, Sherry and Kathy, told us that one teacher can make a student; but, one teacher can also break a student. That’s how powerful teachers are.

I wish Mr. O'Brian knew that.

But, in reflecting on all of this experience, I feel so grateful to ARC for giving all of us the tools we need to be the kind of teachers that make a student. Equipped with our passion, and these tools, we are ready to go out and make a difference.

Accepted Hartford's offer

I am happy to say that I've accepted the offer from Hartford Public Schools!

Starting next August, I will be working as a Physics teacher at the Sport and Medical Sciences Academy in Hartford. I'll be teaching 2 college level physics courses as well as high school physical science.

I'm quite excited about it 🙂

In the end we do go back to what we love.

Sena and Aiyana

 Photo credits to Nick Barta.

Peace

A little spot by my house

Just wanted to share this beautiful little spot with you. I stopped by for a few minutes after school today. It's one of the few things that brings me peace and a child-like joy, when my mind is pulling me in a hundred directions.

I am so grateful to all the people who take care of these wild places, and keep them clean, healthy and beautiful.

Peace

 

Let him out! See what happens.

 Bukowski: Bluebird.

Sanity or insanity?

"Society is invincible to a certain degree. But your real life is your own, and nothing can touch it.
...
Nothing can stop you retreating into splendor and beauty - into the thoughts and beliefs that make the real life - the real you".

(From "Where angels fear to tread", by Forster).