On the air

Sena and Aiyana were in the recording studio at WHUS, our local radio station, yesterday. They recorded a PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the upcoming event their youth group is organizing, the showing of Sonic Sea on Feb.11th at 5pm at the Mansfield Public Library.

Danielle, the radio station manager, taught Sena how to work the equipment, how to put different sound streams together and record the PSA. It was really fun for all of us.

Sena did most of the PSA.

Aiyana recorded a little piece at the end.

The PSA should be playing on WHUS from now until Feb 11th.
Peace

Call Me Dorothy

I saw your teachings fall apart,
over the years.

The things you told me to strive for,
The ones you taught me to fear,
What was supposed to make me happy.
Little by little,
Everything unraveled, revealed.

The powerful Wizard of Oz, turns out,
Is a frail old man,
And he is scared.

You taught me to live by the rules
That finally let you down.
And then, through your own suffering,
You taught me,
The real lesson.
And I am grateful.

Now that I'm on my own,
And everything's wide open,
I tell myself I'm Dorothy.
I have my silver shoes,
And I can go anywhere.

One answer

Once in a while, I ask myself "What is love?"
I think that there are different kinds of love. So there are many answers. This is one. (If you have time to read the whole article, it's pretty interesting).

The Central Paradox of Love

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.”

I think that what many people want is to find our gift, and then share it with the world. We want to give it away, but we are afraid that it will not be received, it won't be good enough, it won't fit in with making money, and so on. Maybe we will be ridiculed for it. The search is fraught with self-doubt and fear, but it's also beautiful and meaningful. It is worth it!

I'm sure this has been said by many people, but the other day, when I was miking the cows, I had a very clear understanding that I should not be afraid of failure or success; only of not trying.

I read an article this morning, that made me think of all this (and I felt a bond with the author who grew up in Bulgaria and loved her grandma's garden). Maybe you'll like it too.

The Little Gardener: A Tender Illustrated Parable of Purpose and the Power of Working with Love

A sweet celebration of all that is alive and wonderful, inside us and in the outside world we shape together.
  
Peace

Sonic Sea showing in Mansfield, CT

Sena and her youth group (Cetacean Society International Youth Group or CSI YG) have organized to have a showing of the documentary movie Sonic Sea right here in Mansfield. Here are the details:

Sonic Sea documentary showing in Mansfield, CT:

Saturday, February 11th at 5pm

At the Mansfield Public Library, in the Buchanan Auditorium

Price: Free

Sonic Sea is a one hour documentary showing the effect of ocean noise on cetaceans (whales and dolphins). You can see the trailer here. Our family has seen it last summer in Hartford, and it was a powerful movie, that we highly recommend.

Also very exciting is the fact that Dr. Francine Kershaw, marine mammal science fellow from NRDC (Natural Resources Defence Council), will be coming here all the way from NYC to attend the movie, answer questions and engage with the audience afterwards.

CSI Youth Group worked hard and paid with their own money in order to bring this powerful movie to Mansfield, and I highly encourage you to attend if you can.

Last but not least, check out Sena, Aiyana and Emma's articles in the most recent CSI newsletter, under CSI Youth Group news on pages 5 and 6. These girls are here to change things for the better!

Peace

Snowy day

I had a really nice walk in the woods today. It was snowing and everything looked magical.
I hope too are nice and cozy and enjoying this beautiful snowy day.

Peace

Lovely snow

Went to milk this morning and it was magical out there with freshly fallen snow on the ground.

 Looking out of the hay barn

 Weed in the compost pile

Hay for the cows

Peace

New scarf

Just finished knitting this scarf, another pattern off of ravelry. I like it on Aiyana.
But I should stop knitting for a while now so I can finish War and Peace, Tolstoy's massive time which is really drawing me in...

Floored me

I asked Aiyana to write an essay about the World War I Christmas truce as part of her homework. She still has work to do on it. But I am posting here her unedited version, without corrections, because the last sentence caught me by surprised and floored me, coming from an 11 year old.

The Christmas Truce

The Christmas Truce happened during WW1. It happened between the British and Germans.

The British and Germans were both in really bad conditions. They were in a stale mate. All they were doing was staying in the trench and waiting for the enemy to come out. The enemy was doing the same. The trenches were in very bad conditions. They were filled with water. So the soldier’s feet were rotting. Trenches kept caving in.  

Then, on Christmas Eve, the Germans started singing “Silent night “. The British were very surprised.  Afterwards, on Christmas Day, one of the most amazing thing happened in history. A German, got right out of a trench. He started walking towards a British trench. He was holding a Christmas tree. The British, and Germans, started getting out of their trenches, and talking to each other.

Soon they were friends.  They buried the dead people, because “no man’s land” land was littered with the dead, from both sides. They talked and traded with each other, cigars and many other things. They also played football, and the Germans won. Afterwards, they didn’t really want to keep fighting. But, the high officials made them fight.

                                      I think it is amazing that the British and Germans got along so well. Even though they were in so bad conditions.  I also think it is sad, they had to keep fighting. Since they got along well, and they were friends, and could have stopped a part of the war.

                                         I think people should have taken this to heart, and tried to be friends, like the Germans and British.  I wish people would get along, and try to stop war, not just keep killing each other. I think people should learn from this, and see that the people who they are fighting against,  miss home just as much, and are not mean, just doing what they are told. Just like yourself.                                         

Not what I expected to write

Today, I wanted to say something happy and cheerful,  being the first day of the year, but all I have is this:

"And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

Thank goodness for Cohen and others like him, who understand and can express so well the ambiguity, the murkiness of the human experience, with its pain and suffering, its joys and delights.

I love the lyrics above, because like Cohen, and I suspect, like most people, I have experienced and am still experiencing different shades of pain and confusion and freedom and love and many others in the human spectrum. And I consider myself lucky that despite, or maybe I should say because of this mixed-bag experiece, I am more than ever in awe at life, at its beauty and complexity, and also its simplicity really. I am grateful for my life, and for this human experience.

To know love, in its many forms, even when it hurts, is such a gift.

I am thinking of a mother I know, who lost her teenage son to suicide last year. I hope that she too, feels that love is a gift in the end. And I hope that she and others like her, who can be so overwhelmed by grief, can find a way to go on and see beauty again, and let themselves be touched by love again.

Peace

Happy New Year!

I wish you health and I wish that the new year brings you whatever you need at this time in your life.

May you feel sustained and supported and loved, whatever you're going through. I know that so many of us feel alone, scared, overwhelmed, ashamed....

May we all heal from whatever is hurting us, and may the earth and all its creatures heal, so that we can go on and enjoy each other and the beauty all around us.

Have fun if you celebrate today, rest if you need to rest, and trust the path.

This is one of the memories I will treasure from 2016: hiking and resting in the beautiful Austrian Alps.

Peace

Try again with the cow videos

Don't know why they don't always come through...

"Hurry up and give me my treats!",  she says.
https://youtu.be/aET_1bI7NdE

https://youtu.be/bx2X4ffRVpI

This one is all about the cows

I took an accidental video this morning when I went to milk Opal. I kind of like it. I like how she talks to me. What she's saying is "Hurry up and give me my treats!". I always give the cows treats so they can be content while I'm milking. This morning it was carrots.

And some pictures of milk from this morning's milking, and the cheeses I make:

Our little cheese "cave" is full! It takes about 4 gallons of milk to make one of those wheels.

Just cut into this alpine style cheese, which has been aging since August. Pretty delicious, I have to say. Sena wants us to age the cheeses for longer, but we can't seem to make it past 4 months before we cut into them. They get better with age...so we'll have to try harder to see what they taste like at more than 4 months.

Peace

What do you do in the winter?

I get this question a lot, so here are some answers:

Homeschool. Milk the cows. Make cheese. Care for the animals. Cook. Make sense of the past growing season and plan for the next growing season. De-clutter and organize our living space. Knit and crochet.

Put some seeds in the ground on Sena's birthday, December 23rd.

Ducks love hanging out near the water hose.

Mama Opal

Mama Opal and Mama Jasmine

Peace

30 years

This December marks 30 years since my family moved from Romania to Canada. It's hard to describe what this move meant for us. All I can say right now is that it opened up opportunities that we could only dream of before, and also, that it put us through difficulties severe enough to have left permanent scars on all of us.

For me, moving here as a teenager, I experienced exhilaration at first, then confusion at the culture I was trying to fit into. For years after the move, my dearest wish was to have friends, be liked and be like everyone else.

I dealt with anorexia and bulimia from the time I was 17 well into my 20s, and this was a direct result of my attempt to fit into the new society we had come to. I am still dealing with the effects of that now.

On the upside, the anorexia and bulimia taught me a life-lesson on self-acceptance that I am now able to pass on my my girls. I already talked to them about it, because in one way or another, they too will most likely have to deal with issues of self-acceptance and fitting in. Sena said that the person I described to them seemed so different from who I am right now. And I told her that who I am right now, for better and worse, is due to who I was back then. I am not ashamed of it, and it's not something to be ashamed about. It's simply what happened to me under the circumstances.

I would say that the thing I am most grateful for as far as moving here is the fact that I can live in peace and have the freedom to live the lifestyle I choose and raise my kids the way I choose to. We could not do that when we were in Romania under communism, and I am not sure how much that is possible even now.

The picture below is taken in front of my parents' current house in Brossard, Canada. My family moved into this house in 1988, two years after coming to Canada. The massive tree in front is as old as our stay in this house - my mom planted it when it was only about 6 inches tall, and look at it now.

I feel very attached to this tree, because it has seen us through so much. Silent and dignified, it has witnessed all the difficulties, good times and bad times that we have been through as a family of immigrants, and as individuals as well. I love how this tree has thrived - even though it is in the suburbs surrounded by concrete, it is big enough and beautiful enough to fit in a forest. To me, it is a symbol of my personal struggle to fit into a new environment, and I want to thank it for being here, a silent witness to all those years.

The kids in front of the tree are Sena, Aiyana, Stella and Julia. When my mom planted the tree, the girls would've towered over it...

Peace

A highlight of 2016

One of my precious memories from our trip last October is this hike in the Fagaras Mountains in Romania. The sights of the mountains, the crisp air, everything...so amazing. And no one but us around.

Cabana Capra down in the valley, where we started our hike.

Sena and Aiyana on the path (top right hand corner of the picture)

Peace

Happy birthday Sena!

Turning 13 today and celebrating with her good friends.

my kind of networking

a beautiful metaphor for human relationship, made even more beautiful by the fact that trees actually do that, sharing nutrients and information through their fungal root networks. this is my kind of networking.
(source of picture is here)

Networking

Many people agree that networking is a critical skill for "getting ahead" in life.
It's a skill I don't have, and I often felt bad about that when I was younger, like I was lacking something important. Now, that I'm getting older, I'm torn about weather I really want to have this skill or not.

I guess on some level I am repulsed by networking because I see it fundamentally as a way of getting something from someone without being open about it. At its worst, it's pure hypocrisy, where you don't even like a person, but you're hanging out with them and being nice to them because it's in your interest to do so. At its best, networking happens when you actually do like the person, and like being with them, but there's this other agenda in the background as well that you're hoping for.

I think that asking for help or favors from someone is totally legitimate, and I appreciate it when it happens in an open way and the other person knows upfront that this is at least in part why you're talking to them.

With genuine human interaction, when you talk to someone or spend time with them because you want to be with them, there are always side benefits. You often get more out of the relationship than you anticipated. But the point is, and what makes it different from networking, is that you're not thinking about the extra benefits, you let the relationship be what it is, and if you get something  more out of it than you expected, that's great. But that's not your motivation for hanging out with them.

So I've never been good at networking. I had a hard time with it when I was in the corporate world, in the academic world, and in the farming world. Networking, I found, is prevalent in all these fields. I usually beat myself up about not being good at it, because it does limit you, especially when you're up against colleagues who are naturally talented at it. At the office, there's getting the promotion; in farming, it's getting the sales, or the farm grants, or whatever. Who you know is really important and has tangible consequences. But I can't bring myself to do it. And I've also always been drawn to people who don't network well.

So I am torn about whether I should try harder to be good at networking. I think that at best, networking could be done by letting the other person know upfront that yes, you like being social with them, but you're also interested in this other outcome from your interaction. Maybe I'll try this the next time opportunity arises. Maybe not.

My ambivalence on this issue is also why I like being with animals so much. With them, everything is upfront. Not always pretty, but always upfront. Their true nature is what it is, and they don't hide their intentions.

Peace

There

Too much I lied,
Too much I compromised,
Too much I doubted.

And yet,

Within myself, I keep
A little place,
Inviolate and true,
Where light still shines.

Hidden,
Like a sunny opening in a dark forest,
A place of trust and warmth,
Where I believe in you,
And in myself.

There,
I sit, and rest,
and wait.

tonight

Tonight I was alone.
I made Russian tea cakes. I made black tea with milk. And I sat down and listened to the incredible words of Maya Angelou, a lifetime of wisdom distilled in 20 minutes.

My first cable knitting project

I just finished knitting my first hat involving cables. I'm very happy with it. Got the pattern from ravelry.com, under Northward beanie. It was free and really fun to make. Took a couple of evenings.

the things she says

about once a week, we watch a movie as a family. a couple of weeks ago, we watched a movie about Temple Grandin's life. Temple Grandin is a brilliant woman and an engineer, who because of her autism, was able from a young age to understand animals in a way that other people couldn't; so she ended up designing much more humane facilities for large scale cattle operations than the existing standard at the time. she improved the lives of many animals living in confinement, not only cattle but also pigs, and she works with horses and other animals as well.

in any case, today, quite out of the blue, aiyana said:
"mama, i think that people are able to recognize that Temple Grandin is really special, because what she does is easy to recognize. but i think that everyone has something that they're extraordinary at, but it's just not so easy for everyone else to see that."

on a totally different topic...
weeks ago, we were lying in bed one night, with the lights turned off, and as i held her we looked out the window and i said "look how beautiful the stars are tonight". so we looked for a while, and then she said: "when you look at the stars with some people, they want to talk about what the names of this or that star are, and what constellation they're in. but when you do that, you're not really seeing the stars."

what can i say to things like that? not much. i hug her, tell her she's right. nothing i can teach her in homeschooling comes close to that. i also want to say thank you for reminding me. and please, whatever you do, don't forget these things, and don't let anyone else make you forget either.

peace

Sena's drawing

She made it this evening.

i lie

i lie every day
though i'd die to speak the truth
"in my secret life" (Cohen)

i lie to myself
i lie to you, world
you're not strong enough to hear it
i'm not strong enough to say it

i tell myself it's ok
because that is what you taught me
because we all do it
and because one day i'll be brave
beware

Beautiful Place

I found this beautiful place by the shore last Friday, after I delivered what will probably be the last veggies of this season to Oyster Club in Mystic.  I didn't feel this kind of excitement since I was in Europe on top of the mountains. Something about the vast, open landscape...And I had it all to myself.

 Had my jornal

Peace

Christmas decorations

Sena and Aiyana made these cute miniature hats this evening and set them on the hearthstone.

Sena's sewing

Lately, while we sit by the fire in the evening, Sena' s been sewing these little bookmarks and decorating them with traditional Romanian patterns. She got interested while we were in Romania, when I told her that this was one of my favorite passtimes when I was small.

Thank you Standing Rock

Congratulations and thanks to everyone at Standing Rock who risked their own personal safety in order to protect our water and land. Thank you for being a beacon of hope for other communities around the world, whose lands and water are being taken over and exploited for individual profit. And thank you for teaching our kids a valuable lesson on how to strand peacefully for environmental and social justice.

To know the dark and yet be guided by the light

Soon it will be winter solstice.

 

I welcome this time of the year. I take comfort in the darkness that now reigns, allowing myself to rest and renew; I mourn for lost things and dream of new things. Just like the earth and many of its creatures have slowed down and drawn within, so I too, feel the pull to draw within myself. 

 

Many of us here in the northern hemisphere, feel surrounded by darkness not only from a lack of sun, but in a metaphoric sense as well. There is darkness in the world on so many levels, and so many reasons to be worried. And we also, each one of us, carry our private darkness in one way or another.

 

But dark and light go together, both a reality of life, and both must be accepted. As nature shows, when dark reaches its peak, at winter solstice, at the very same time, the light returns and begins to get stronger. I remind myself that within us too, the same thing happens. If we can sit with the dark, the light will come.  

 

And that won’t be the end of the story, because light and dark wax and wane in a never ending cycle. Both are sure to return in their due time. So I realize now that the point of sitting through the dark is not to make it go away. Rather, the point is that as we get to know the dark, we will also recognize the light. And as we do so, we will become more aware of what motivates our actions when dealing with the world and with ourselves.

 

In that sense, winter solstice is personally meaningful to me, because of the powerful message it conveys:

To know the dark and yet be guided by the light.

 

Peace

Just harvested these fresh greens

December 4th, and the earth still gives...

True Love

Like many of us, I was raised on and partially bought into the "Happily ever after" idea, as it relates to marriage and other significant relationships in our lives. Life showed me that "Happily ever after" is not representative of reality for most of us. We all know this, and why we keep perpetuating the myth, as a society, and set up our kids for confusion and heartache later on in life, I don't fully understand.

But I'm not writing this in order to bash anything or anyone. I am writing because at various points in my life, including recently, I have asked myself, "What the heck is love anyway?", and I want to share some things that have been helpful to me in getting insight into this question.

One is this video from Thich Nhat Hanh. I know he's a monk, and as such is not dealing with the same type of relationship we deal with as a parent, spouse, coworker, and so on in our secular lives. But at the same time, I find that his ideas are universally applicable, and although they may seem idealistic, I find them useful in guiding me. I like how his concept of love includes oneself as well as others. He does not talk about true love as self-sacrifice, or loving someone at the expense of oneself, and neither does he describe love as a sort of self-indulgence or self-absorbtion.  Instead he talks about it as a sort of deep connection as a result of which everyone benefits and grows.
Check out his 8 minute video here.

Peace

Less afraid

Last night I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes and so I walked to the mailbox. It was raining and warm. It was pitch black and I liked it that way.

I thought about Mimi and how he'd walk through the dark, alone, complete onto himself, going to places only he knew. Was he afraid? I'll never know. Then, one time he walked, it was his last journey, and he was gone. He was here, he lived, he did what was in his nature to do. Then one day it all ended. So simple, so clean. No mess.

Why do we make it so complicated? I guess because we're human?

Well, at least for now, Mimi's death made me less afraid. Made it real clear that we're here for some time, and then we're gone. Forever. And so, while we're here, just be here. No fear. There's no place for fear. Just live, and be awake to the incredible gift of our own life. That is all we have, all we'll ever have. Everything else is just in our head.

Peace