Real

I want to be real, as real as possible though this time of transition. With myself and everyone else. Divorce is still such a taboo, shame-filled topic, with many pre-fabricated narratives around it. I'll try to stay away from that.

It's hard.  Some days I feel like I'm numb and watching what's happening from a distance. Even though I know it's the right thing, and I want to go ahead with it, I find myself in a state of disbelief. After 25 years of defining myself by this identity that so strongly revolved around Ed, I can't comprehend who will be the "I" left away from that. I will have to find out. 

It's also incredibly freeing. I feel like I'm starting life over again. Some days, that feels exhilarating. I know a few things about myself and the world, I have what I need, I've learned a lot, and most importantly I feel like I want to be here! I still love life, and I am still excited, curious! I want to learn a lot and give a lot, which feels like a pretty sweet combination. 

Life feels wide open in a way it hasn't in a long time. I kind of like the idea of shedding some of my identity and starting over without expectations, without negativity, without anything to prove. 

Some days everything seems so clear and so simple, and on those days I am simply grateful to be here, to experience, and to see what happens. I look forward to little things, I want to "smell the lilacs and taste the cherries", like in a song I recently heard by Pomme, and I am eager to do what I can, contribute in whatever way I can, while still here.

Peace