sena's party was really fun on Sunday. she and aiyana enjoyed being with their friends and grandparents, and i liked cooking and preparing for it. i wish i had a little more time to sit and talk, but the time went by really fast...it was fun though.
then we had 2 Christmas get-together which were a little overwhelming esp. for aiyana who cried pretty hard last night, being over-stimulated and tired. yesterday morning, we had a quiet get-together at ed's parents' house, and that was very nice.
one of my favorite moments of the past few days was yesterday morning, when i left the house by myself for half hour. i needed to clear my head, so i went to eagleville dam. while driving there, i didn't see anyone else on the roads - everything seemed deserted. no people on the street, barely any cars, and the stores all closed. usually i don't like that, but yesterday it felt nice. i felt like i was all alone in the world, but not lonely; i felt like this way it was easier to notice things like the trees, the wind, the sound of the rushing water at eagleville dam.
peace
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Happy Birthday Sena!
the girls and i had a great time decorating this little christmas tree. they made the decorations with grandma, using pinecones, sparkles, cardboard and glue. we all love the tree and hope it will survive and grow for years to come...
this time of year
busy time of year. and i (mostly) love it!
yesterday was winter solstice. celebrating the return of the light. i thought about it all day, what it really means to celebrate that in my outer and inner life. such a beautiful, quiet celebration. i had a candle burning all evening, welcoming the light.
tomorrow is sena's birthday! she'll be 4 years old. wow, i'm just about blown away by that. repeating what was already said to me so many times: where has the time gone?
well, it's definitely been an amazing, rich, fulfilling, beautiful 4 years of my life. i can't write about this w/o getting emotional...
i feel like it's been a true blessing, a real gift to be able to share in someone else's life and to be able to get as close to a person as i have with sena and aiyana.
tomorrow we have a party, and sena's been soooo excited about it for the past month. she's been keeping track of how much time left till the day, and she's been planning it to the last detail. her vision of the party was quite different that what i would've envisioned, to put it mildly, but it's been really fun to honor hers and go along with it. we made invitations, at her request, and we invited the people she wanted, so many of them that there's no way they'll all fit into our house, so i'm really hoping that some won't show...
she was very specific as to how the house had to be decorated for the party. don't know where she got this, but just to put it in perspective, our house is really low key - all our furniture is second hand, non-matching, and everything is just very simple. well, sena insisted that she had to have really flashy, sparkly, big decorations; banners saying "happy birthday", pink and gold streamers, that kind of thing. grandma helped with this part - she bought the required materials, and came over to decorate with the girls a few days ago. i went out grocery shopping, and when i got back, sena and aiyana were very proud of the job they had done, and showed me everything. it was fun, and our living room now looks very festive.
here's a little story:
the other day, sena was reading to aiyana. it was a book i had read to them a couple of times before, so sena had it memorized. now, she was reading it to her little sister, which means she was reciting it from memory. i was in the kitchen making breakfast. in the book, there's a tiny sheep who has a crow for her best friend. at one point in the story, the tiny sheep gets on to the crow's back, and as they're about to take off in flight, the crow says to the sheep: "hold on to your hooves". when sena got to this part of the book, i heard her say to aiyana very seriously: "hold on to your boobs!".
they were both really into the story, and when they heard me crack up in the kitchen, they looked up from the book, surprised, and sena said "what?". i explained that it was hooves, not boobs, but they still didn't think it was that funny, but they laughed a little anyway, just to keep me company...
yesterday, the girls and i decided to go tracking at a pond near our house. we've all been into animal tracking since i strted to read "the tracker" by Tom Brown. ed's pretty good at it, he can go into the woods and follow deer around, and tell you what they've been doing, where they're feeding, etc. the other day, he showed us some coyote tracks (very close to our chicken coup, hmmm....), which was really cool (not for the chickens, though).
yesterday, we were reading about beavers and otters and racoons, and sena said that we should go by a pond and see if we could find any tracks. so we did. or at least tried to. our outing didn't turn out to be exactly what i expected (which i should've known by now...)
the main problem was that the snow was way too deep to be able to walk around or even get near the pond without considerable difficulty. the three of us kept sinking in, and aiyana especially, was getting upset about it. she'd sink in up to her knees, then she'd lose her balance and fall, or her boot would get stuck in the snow and her foot would come out of it bare, etc, etc. it wasn't fun. we barely walked 50meters, and we had all had enough. or rather, i had had enough. it had been a tough morning with aiyana being unusually cranky and whiney, and i thought that going out was going to calm us down, but it really didn't turn out that way. so we just walked to this point where we could look over the pond, and the view was really pretty, so we enjoyed that. we did see some deer tracks, and some dog tracks, and we decided that was enough. there was a small park nearby, and the kids wanted to play in the swings even though they were all snowed in, so we did that for a while before heading back to our car. it wasn't exactly what i planned, but it was nice to be out anyway.
i'm glad that sena and aiyana are interested in animals, bc it gives me the opportunity to learn along with them from books and out in the woods. and i find it really fun.
so it's going to be a busy few days with sena's birthday tomorrow and then family Christmas parties.
christmas brings up mixed feelings for me. i love this time of year, i love the season, the snow, all that. i also like the spirit of christmas, the giving, the gathering. unfortunately, i find that the giving gets totally out of hand and loses most of its meaning; people get obsessed with shopping, and there's so much stuff being wasted.
also, although i feel a real need to be with people at this time of year, christmas parties usually leave me feeling lonely and a little sad. i think it's because i expect to feel connected to people when getting together, but somehow i can't get myself into the superficial chit-chat that dominates these gatherings. i hate to sound like i'm so deep or something, and i really don't want to say that i'm better than anyone or anything like that. i'm just trying to honestly express my feelings.
i'm having a hard time finding meaningful connection to people at christmas parties, and maybe i'm looking in the wrong place, but i get sad because i always hope for that. so what's meaningful connection? and how do you establish meaningful connection? i don't think it has to be through 'deep' conversation. i think anything can become meaningful: a good laugh over some little thing, anything we choose to share openly and authentically.
i think that for me, what makes things meaningful is more how we share them, not what we share. so if you're telling a story, for example, sharing some little incident in your life, how are you sharing it? is it coming from an honest, open place within yourself, is it authentic? is your heart, or soul, or essence or whatever you want to call it, coming through? or are you simply speaking without awareness, repeating things you've taken on superficially? it's hard to express exactly what i mean...
but i do yearn for authenticity. and if that doesn't happen at christmas parties, i'm lucky enough to have people in my life that are authentic and fill me with joy at many other times of year. and of course, kids are always authentic.
i think i wrote enough, so i'll end it here, wishing everyone lots of fun.
peace
yesterday was winter solstice. celebrating the return of the light. i thought about it all day, what it really means to celebrate that in my outer and inner life. such a beautiful, quiet celebration. i had a candle burning all evening, welcoming the light.
tomorrow is sena's birthday! she'll be 4 years old. wow, i'm just about blown away by that. repeating what was already said to me so many times: where has the time gone?
well, it's definitely been an amazing, rich, fulfilling, beautiful 4 years of my life. i can't write about this w/o getting emotional...
i feel like it's been a true blessing, a real gift to be able to share in someone else's life and to be able to get as close to a person as i have with sena and aiyana.
tomorrow we have a party, and sena's been soooo excited about it for the past month. she's been keeping track of how much time left till the day, and she's been planning it to the last detail. her vision of the party was quite different that what i would've envisioned, to put it mildly, but it's been really fun to honor hers and go along with it. we made invitations, at her request, and we invited the people she wanted, so many of them that there's no way they'll all fit into our house, so i'm really hoping that some won't show...
she was very specific as to how the house had to be decorated for the party. don't know where she got this, but just to put it in perspective, our house is really low key - all our furniture is second hand, non-matching, and everything is just very simple. well, sena insisted that she had to have really flashy, sparkly, big decorations; banners saying "happy birthday", pink and gold streamers, that kind of thing. grandma helped with this part - she bought the required materials, and came over to decorate with the girls a few days ago. i went out grocery shopping, and when i got back, sena and aiyana were very proud of the job they had done, and showed me everything. it was fun, and our living room now looks very festive.
here's a little story:
the other day, sena was reading to aiyana. it was a book i had read to them a couple of times before, so sena had it memorized. now, she was reading it to her little sister, which means she was reciting it from memory. i was in the kitchen making breakfast. in the book, there's a tiny sheep who has a crow for her best friend. at one point in the story, the tiny sheep gets on to the crow's back, and as they're about to take off in flight, the crow says to the sheep: "hold on to your hooves". when sena got to this part of the book, i heard her say to aiyana very seriously: "hold on to your boobs!".
they were both really into the story, and when they heard me crack up in the kitchen, they looked up from the book, surprised, and sena said "what?". i explained that it was hooves, not boobs, but they still didn't think it was that funny, but they laughed a little anyway, just to keep me company...
yesterday, the girls and i decided to go tracking at a pond near our house. we've all been into animal tracking since i strted to read "the tracker" by Tom Brown. ed's pretty good at it, he can go into the woods and follow deer around, and tell you what they've been doing, where they're feeding, etc. the other day, he showed us some coyote tracks (very close to our chicken coup, hmmm....), which was really cool (not for the chickens, though).
yesterday, we were reading about beavers and otters and racoons, and sena said that we should go by a pond and see if we could find any tracks. so we did. or at least tried to. our outing didn't turn out to be exactly what i expected (which i should've known by now...)
the main problem was that the snow was way too deep to be able to walk around or even get near the pond without considerable difficulty. the three of us kept sinking in, and aiyana especially, was getting upset about it. she'd sink in up to her knees, then she'd lose her balance and fall, or her boot would get stuck in the snow and her foot would come out of it bare, etc, etc. it wasn't fun. we barely walked 50meters, and we had all had enough. or rather, i had had enough. it had been a tough morning with aiyana being unusually cranky and whiney, and i thought that going out was going to calm us down, but it really didn't turn out that way. so we just walked to this point where we could look over the pond, and the view was really pretty, so we enjoyed that. we did see some deer tracks, and some dog tracks, and we decided that was enough. there was a small park nearby, and the kids wanted to play in the swings even though they were all snowed in, so we did that for a while before heading back to our car. it wasn't exactly what i planned, but it was nice to be out anyway.
i'm glad that sena and aiyana are interested in animals, bc it gives me the opportunity to learn along with them from books and out in the woods. and i find it really fun.
so it's going to be a busy few days with sena's birthday tomorrow and then family Christmas parties.
christmas brings up mixed feelings for me. i love this time of year, i love the season, the snow, all that. i also like the spirit of christmas, the giving, the gathering. unfortunately, i find that the giving gets totally out of hand and loses most of its meaning; people get obsessed with shopping, and there's so much stuff being wasted.
also, although i feel a real need to be with people at this time of year, christmas parties usually leave me feeling lonely and a little sad. i think it's because i expect to feel connected to people when getting together, but somehow i can't get myself into the superficial chit-chat that dominates these gatherings. i hate to sound like i'm so deep or something, and i really don't want to say that i'm better than anyone or anything like that. i'm just trying to honestly express my feelings.
i'm having a hard time finding meaningful connection to people at christmas parties, and maybe i'm looking in the wrong place, but i get sad because i always hope for that. so what's meaningful connection? and how do you establish meaningful connection? i don't think it has to be through 'deep' conversation. i think anything can become meaningful: a good laugh over some little thing, anything we choose to share openly and authentically.
i think that for me, what makes things meaningful is more how we share them, not what we share. so if you're telling a story, for example, sharing some little incident in your life, how are you sharing it? is it coming from an honest, open place within yourself, is it authentic? is your heart, or soul, or essence or whatever you want to call it, coming through? or are you simply speaking without awareness, repeating things you've taken on superficially? it's hard to express exactly what i mean...
but i do yearn for authenticity. and if that doesn't happen at christmas parties, i'm lucky enough to have people in my life that are authentic and fill me with joy at many other times of year. and of course, kids are always authentic.
i think i wrote enough, so i'll end it here, wishing everyone lots of fun.
peace
Monday, December 17, 2007
some quotes from "black elk speaks"
"You have noticed that the truth comes into this world with two faces. One is sad with suffering, and the other laughs; but it's the same face, laughing or weeping."
"It is hard to follow one great vision in this world of darkness and of many changing shadows. Among these shadows men get lost."
"...for nothing can live well except in a manner suited to the way the Power of the World lives and moves to do its work."
"It is hard to follow one great vision in this world of darkness and of many changing shadows. Among these shadows men get lost."
"...for nothing can live well except in a manner suited to the way the Power of the World lives and moves to do its work."
Saturday, December 15, 2007
more recent wintery pictures
on monday everything was covered in ice. these pictures are from the field in front of our house.
on tuesday morning, i walked outside, and this scene stunned me with its beauty. everything was once again covered in ice, and the sun was shining brightly; it really felt otherworldly beautiful. i didn't think i could take it all in, so i just had to pause for a moment and let it flow through me. this picture is nothing compared to the real scene...
on tuesday morning, i walked outside, and this scene stunned me with its beauty. everything was once again covered in ice, and the sun was shining brightly; it really felt otherworldly beautiful. i didn't think i could take it all in, so i just had to pause for a moment and let it flow through me. this picture is nothing compared to the real scene...
here's one tree i've really come to love since we've lived here. i have pics of it in just about any season, lighting, etc. this one is covered in ice.
and here's the same tree at night, after thursdays's winterstorm
peace
Monday, December 10, 2007
winter hike
on saturday morning i went for a hike in the woods by the fenton river. it had snowed the night before, so everything was covered in fresh white snow. i was alone in what seemed like a magical land. i walked around for a while, and took breaks to sit and listen to the birds and the river. the sun was shining and the snow was sparkling. the river was partly covered with snow, but i could see the water moving and gurgling underneath. by the time i walked back to the car, the snow was melting off the trees, and the way the sun reflected off the water droplets, it made little rainbows everywhere. i felt so happy! this came as a great relief, because earlier that morning i was reading this beautiful but heart-breaking book, "black elk speaks", that left me feeling sad and empty... (but i strongly recommend it anyway).
anyway, here are some pictures from the hike:
anyway, here are some pictures from the hike:
sena's latest
sena told ed a few days ago that she does not like boys. so he asked her why, and she said that, well...they just don't have the right clothes...
i don't know when or how she concluded this, she gave no indication that she was looking or anything. so much for looking beyond appearances...
i don't know when or how she concluded this, she gave no indication that she was looking or anything. so much for looking beyond appearances...
Friday, December 07, 2007
the other side
i lie down with my children
and through closed eyes i see
an open door.
on this side of the door
is everything you've taught me
about myself and this world;
on this side of the door -
35 years of conditioning.
the other side is open
onto the clear blue sky,
boundless, unknown...
into this great blue void, i leap-
no fear.
no hesitation.
only this realization:
that it's me who's jumping,
and the openness i fly into,
that's also me.
there's nowhere else to go.
and through closed eyes i see
an open door.
on this side of the door
is everything you've taught me
about myself and this world;
on this side of the door -
35 years of conditioning.
the other side is open
onto the clear blue sky,
boundless, unknown...
into this great blue void, i leap-
no fear.
no hesitation.
only this realization:
that it's me who's jumping,
and the openness i fly into,
that's also me.
there's nowhere else to go.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
sena's line
one night, we're lying in bed just before falling asleep at night, when sena turns over to face me and says: "mom, when you die, i want to be there to watch you and hold your hand".
i don't think i'm exagerating when i say that by saying that she removed a considerable amount of fear from me, fear i didn't even know i had until then.
i don't think i'm exagerating when i say that by saying that she removed a considerable amount of fear from me, fear i didn't even know i had until then.
Monday, December 03, 2007
lyrics to Bachelorette (Bjork)
(feels good to re-read this...)
I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl
Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream
Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near
Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruder hand
I'm the branch that you break
I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl
Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream
Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near
Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruder hand
I'm the branch that you break
about Winter Solstice
i read this passage early this morning in my we'moon calendar. it's about Winter Solstice, which is coming up on dec 22nd. Winter Solstice marks the longest night of the year:
"it is out of the darkness that flowers eventually emerge, babies are born, and inspiration for poetry and ideas is nurtured on the page and through our voices. surrender to your dreaming and celebrate the dark where your inner life is honored and nurtured. re-light your inner light. what dreams do you carry inside? what are you visioning or hoping for?"
i love this because it speaks to something that's already alive inside of me. (and we all know that i don't need any encouragement to surrender to my dreaming).
i love the darkness at this time of year, i love how it invites me to draw inwards. i roam the woods in search of a cave, and i know that a deeper part of me is seeking shelter and privacy for renewal. for honoring what's here now and what is still to come. although i feel my energy subdued at this time of year, i can feel things bubbling just under the surface, things that may or may not manifest - it's partly up to me. i love the possibilities. a physicist speaking in "what the bleep do we know" made the point that instead of thinking of reality as a fixed something outside of ourselves, we should rather view it as possibilities of consciousness. this is not new, but i like how it's stated, and find it very exciting.
so...happy dreaming, and happy roaming.
peace
"it is out of the darkness that flowers eventually emerge, babies are born, and inspiration for poetry and ideas is nurtured on the page and through our voices. surrender to your dreaming and celebrate the dark where your inner life is honored and nurtured. re-light your inner light. what dreams do you carry inside? what are you visioning or hoping for?"
i love this because it speaks to something that's already alive inside of me. (and we all know that i don't need any encouragement to surrender to my dreaming).
i love the darkness at this time of year, i love how it invites me to draw inwards. i roam the woods in search of a cave, and i know that a deeper part of me is seeking shelter and privacy for renewal. for honoring what's here now and what is still to come. although i feel my energy subdued at this time of year, i can feel things bubbling just under the surface, things that may or may not manifest - it's partly up to me. i love the possibilities. a physicist speaking in "what the bleep do we know" made the point that instead of thinking of reality as a fixed something outside of ourselves, we should rather view it as possibilities of consciousness. this is not new, but i like how it's stated, and find it very exciting.
so...happy dreaming, and happy roaming.
peace
Saturday, December 01, 2007
a day with sena
this morning i was supposed to go and have time to myself, but sena woke up with a fever and i knew i wouldn't go. i ended up spending the day with her, and it was very mellow, and so far we had a good time. ed took aiyana most of the day, except at nap time.
sena and i decided to go out for a while in the afternoon, so we came to UConn. sena likes to go to the student-filled cafe, and i thopught i'd get to use the computer. sena had a bagle at the cafe, and i told her about when i used to come here by myself 4years ago, pregnant with her and trying to finist my anthropology master thesis. she didn't remember this.
i was hoping to go into the woods by myself this morning, but i'll have to do that another time. for some reason, at this time of the year, i feel incredibly drawn to the woods. i feel this underlying sense of longing or sadness (in a soft kind of way that still allows me to have joy), and when i'm in the woods i feel soothed and relieved to some degree.
have to go now, but will post more soon...
peace
sena and i decided to go out for a while in the afternoon, so we came to UConn. sena likes to go to the student-filled cafe, and i thopught i'd get to use the computer. sena had a bagle at the cafe, and i told her about when i used to come here by myself 4years ago, pregnant with her and trying to finist my anthropology master thesis. she didn't remember this.
i was hoping to go into the woods by myself this morning, but i'll have to do that another time. for some reason, at this time of the year, i feel incredibly drawn to the woods. i feel this underlying sense of longing or sadness (in a soft kind of way that still allows me to have joy), and when i'm in the woods i feel soothed and relieved to some degree.
have to go now, but will post more soon...
peace
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
a quote i like
"the seasons come and go, summer follows spring and fall follows summer and winter follows fall, and human beings are born and mature, have their middle age, begin to grow older and die, and everything has its cycles."
from "the wisdom of no escape" by Pema Chodron
from "the wisdom of no escape" by Pema Chodron
Monday, November 19, 2007
random thoughts
it's not that we believe what's true,
but rather that what we believe comes true.
----------
the part of me that's awake and alive
recognizes the part of you that's awake and alive;
that's what Love is.
but rather that what we believe comes true.
----------
the part of me that's awake and alive
recognizes the part of you that's awake and alive;
that's what Love is.
walking in the woods
this past saturday, i had a really nice time by myself. it was my time off, so ed took the kids. i went to starbucks first, had some coffee and did some reading and writing. then, i went for a walk in the woods. i knew of this trail that i've seen from the car, but never taken before. it always looked really pretty, so i went there and spent about 2 hours walking around, and sitting on rocks in the sunshine.
here's a reminder of that day:
the cave
drawn to you,
i roam the woods.
on unknown paths,
i let my steps lead me.
long shadows of trees
greet me in the morning sun;
all i know is longing,
this unrelenting desire to find you.
walking this path,
i feel already soothed by Nature,
drawn to the inevitable
as i am.
i need to find you,
Friend of my heart and spirit.
how can we not meet?
in realizing this, i'm strong.
my steps lead to the entrance of a shallow cave;
the dimness inside, soothing.
i sit on rock,
close to a pool of clear water;
i make a fire
and watch shadows dance upon the walls.
Earth, Air, Water, Fire -
i am at home,
waiting for you.
eyes closed, and open,
i rock gently;
i feel protected, nurtured;
here, i belong,
here, i can wait,
for you.
time passes,
or maybe it stands still;
perception skewed, sharpened?
i cannot tell.
outside, i hear the rustling of leaves.
i know it's not the wind,
the deer, or the squirrels.
it must be your steps;
it's certainly you,
drawn here as i was,
by longing,
by knowing,
by stories we've carried inside us forever.
my face lights with anticipation
of seeing you - my Friend.
my tears are sweet;
you enter lightly, naturally,
open with joy of finding me,
knowing that this is all there's ever been:
this spiritual Kinship, and Presence.
here's a reminder of that day:
the cave
drawn to you,
i roam the woods.
on unknown paths,
i let my steps lead me.
long shadows of trees
greet me in the morning sun;
all i know is longing,
this unrelenting desire to find you.
walking this path,
i feel already soothed by Nature,
drawn to the inevitable
as i am.
i need to find you,
Friend of my heart and spirit.
how can we not meet?
in realizing this, i'm strong.
my steps lead to the entrance of a shallow cave;
the dimness inside, soothing.
i sit on rock,
close to a pool of clear water;
i make a fire
and watch shadows dance upon the walls.
Earth, Air, Water, Fire -
i am at home,
waiting for you.
eyes closed, and open,
i rock gently;
i feel protected, nurtured;
here, i belong,
here, i can wait,
for you.
time passes,
or maybe it stands still;
perception skewed, sharpened?
i cannot tell.
outside, i hear the rustling of leaves.
i know it's not the wind,
the deer, or the squirrels.
it must be your steps;
it's certainly you,
drawn here as i was,
by longing,
by knowing,
by stories we've carried inside us forever.
my face lights with anticipation
of seeing you - my Friend.
my tears are sweet;
you enter lightly, naturally,
open with joy of finding me,
knowing that this is all there's ever been:
this spiritual Kinship, and Presence.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
stepping out
have you ever stepped
outside your head
for just a moment?
away from thought currents,
from everything you know?
outside your head,
a crazy place to be
no rational person would allow herself such surrender
(but that is the catch)
no rational person
could bear this much fullness
this excruciating emptiness
this much fun
this terrifying feeling of uncertainty
this letting go of everything you thought you knew
the limitless possibilities of the unknown
and the loneliness that comes along
even as you know that everyone you've ever loved,
is right there beside you,
inside you, is you
the fear of leaving the familiar
even for a second -
familiar feelings,
familiar pain
familiar comfort
familiar confines
to step outside your head
it's helpful if you're not secure,
but rather on the verge, on the edge
try to get cozy with that feeling....
you just don't know what lies ahead,
what lies within,
you just don't know what you may find
you just don't know.
but,
if you want a glimpse,
let go of certainty (you've worked so hard to get it...)
if you feel drawn to the experience
of letting go and living life that way
it may be helpful to ask yourself:
who would i be without everything i think i know about myself?
then,
sharpen your senses
and feel the peaceful ambiguity
or possibly, the sudden clarity
of the answer
outside your head
for just a moment?
away from thought currents,
from everything you know?
outside your head,
a crazy place to be
no rational person would allow herself such surrender
(but that is the catch)
no rational person
could bear this much fullness
this excruciating emptiness
this much fun
this terrifying feeling of uncertainty
this letting go of everything you thought you knew
the limitless possibilities of the unknown
and the loneliness that comes along
even as you know that everyone you've ever loved,
is right there beside you,
inside you, is you
the fear of leaving the familiar
even for a second -
familiar feelings,
familiar pain
familiar comfort
familiar confines
to step outside your head
it's helpful if you're not secure,
but rather on the verge, on the edge
try to get cozy with that feeling....
you just don't know what lies ahead,
what lies within,
you just don't know what you may find
you just don't know.
but,
if you want a glimpse,
let go of certainty (you've worked so hard to get it...)
if you feel drawn to the experience
of letting go and living life that way
it may be helpful to ask yourself:
who would i be without everything i think i know about myself?
then,
sharpen your senses
and feel the peaceful ambiguity
or possibly, the sudden clarity
of the answer
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