this morning, first thing, in bed:
"mom, you look like the woof. the woof in little red ridinghood. your eyes are so big....".
maybe we had a fisheye effect going, we were lying really close to each other, face to face. otherwise i don't know what prompted this comment....
enjoy this beautiful day.
love
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
some sena lines
one morning, sena opened her eyes, looked at me lying next to her and asked with a look of concern on her face:
mama, when i grow up, will you stll be alive?
i answered that i hope so,
after which her face relaxed, she broke into a smile, said "good" and started sucking her thumb...
later that day, she was telling me about an episode at grandma's house, when aiyana would not eat any food, and was ignoring all of grandma's coaxing efforts. sena said, in a very non-judgmental tone, "i guess she had attitude, attitude, attitude". that explained everything.
mama, when i grow up, will you stll be alive?
i answered that i hope so,
after which her face relaxed, she broke into a smile, said "good" and started sucking her thumb...
later that day, she was telling me about an episode at grandma's house, when aiyana would not eat any food, and was ignoring all of grandma's coaxing efforts. sena said, in a very non-judgmental tone, "i guess she had attitude, attitude, attitude". that explained everything.
my morning
this morning i had my weekly 2 hrs to myself. i walked out the door with sena screaming for me not to go. that was really hard. i can't bear to leave her like that. but staying and talking to her only prolongs it and makes it harder for everyone. and ed tells me that by the time i'm out of the driveway she's stopped crying anyway. so i guess this is the way to do it...
so i left the house somewhat shaken, and decided to go to the woods to get a little grounded. i went to one of my favorite spots, an out-of-the-way path by the river. there's nobody ever there, so i feel like it's my own secret spot.
i got there, parked the car, and took off my shoes. walking the path and feeling the cool earth under my feet already made me feel calmer. i didn't walk too far, just enough to be out of sight of the dirt road i had come from. the path is narrow and hugs the Fenton river as it twists through the woods. before long, i found a beautiful spot, where the sun was breaking through the trees. i stopped and sat down feeling myself warm up. my eyes had to adjust to the brightness reflecting off the river. all i heard around me were singing birds, the wind, and the river.
immersed in these surroundings, i felt myself calm down; i felt tension and hardness dissolve. slowly, i forgot about everything, and i felt my face relax into a slight smile. i felt protected and nourished.
i was only there for 15 min but it was enough for me to feel inspired to go on with the rest of my day, to welcome it, whatever it may look like. i gave a little thanks, walked back to where i had left my shoes, and drove to starbucks for a coffee, some breakfast, and some reading.
i came home after my 2 hrs feeling amazing. ed and the kids were not there yet (still at the park). i put on some music, and started dancing. had to express the energy i felt somehow...
i danced a couple of songs, took a shower, and then started cooking for a party we're going to this afternoon.
i'm at my sister's house right now, with my parents who drove from montreal.
a great day so far, and i hope yours is too
peace
so i left the house somewhat shaken, and decided to go to the woods to get a little grounded. i went to one of my favorite spots, an out-of-the-way path by the river. there's nobody ever there, so i feel like it's my own secret spot.
i got there, parked the car, and took off my shoes. walking the path and feeling the cool earth under my feet already made me feel calmer. i didn't walk too far, just enough to be out of sight of the dirt road i had come from. the path is narrow and hugs the Fenton river as it twists through the woods. before long, i found a beautiful spot, where the sun was breaking through the trees. i stopped and sat down feeling myself warm up. my eyes had to adjust to the brightness reflecting off the river. all i heard around me were singing birds, the wind, and the river.
immersed in these surroundings, i felt myself calm down; i felt tension and hardness dissolve. slowly, i forgot about everything, and i felt my face relax into a slight smile. i felt protected and nourished.
i was only there for 15 min but it was enough for me to feel inspired to go on with the rest of my day, to welcome it, whatever it may look like. i gave a little thanks, walked back to where i had left my shoes, and drove to starbucks for a coffee, some breakfast, and some reading.
i came home after my 2 hrs feeling amazing. ed and the kids were not there yet (still at the park). i put on some music, and started dancing. had to express the energy i felt somehow...
i danced a couple of songs, took a shower, and then started cooking for a party we're going to this afternoon.
i'm at my sister's house right now, with my parents who drove from montreal.
a great day so far, and i hope yours is too
peace
Thursday, June 21, 2007
things i'm grateful for (lately)
fireflies at night, lighting up the field in front of our house
and
picking strawberries with the kids (eating our fill too...)
and
picking strawberries with the kids (eating our fill too...)
Thursday, June 14, 2007
crying
i like this quote: "if cats could talk, they wouldn't"
i've been feeling so raw lately. yesterday for example, went out to lunch w ed (kids were with the granparents), and there was this woman with a baby sitting in the corner, at a small table. i kept turning to look at the baby, and finally started talking to the woman. the baby was 9 months old and really sweet. big black eyes, very soft and open. i asked the woman if i could hold her, and she said yes. so i picked up the baby and she seemed to really like me. i held her for a couple of minutes and that whole time i felt an overwhelming urge to cry. the tears were right there, ready to start spilling down my cheeks, but i felt embarassed to let them do so. finally, i gave the baby back to her mother, turned to ed and walked away; still feeling an overwhelming urge to cry.
this has been happening quite a bit lately, and not just w babies. sometimes it's w animals, sometimes with trees. the other day i saw a tree chopped into pieces, and the image that came to mind right away was that of a body hacked to pieces. that made me sad.
the crying is not always, or even usually, sad though. it's just emotional. sometimes it happens bc i'm really happy, and sometimes bc whatever it is that i'm experiencing touches me. so i'd say that i feel it's a good thing, bc maybe i'm getting less guarded, more open, raw, or whetever it is that makes one experience things deeply.
peace
i've been feeling so raw lately. yesterday for example, went out to lunch w ed (kids were with the granparents), and there was this woman with a baby sitting in the corner, at a small table. i kept turning to look at the baby, and finally started talking to the woman. the baby was 9 months old and really sweet. big black eyes, very soft and open. i asked the woman if i could hold her, and she said yes. so i picked up the baby and she seemed to really like me. i held her for a couple of minutes and that whole time i felt an overwhelming urge to cry. the tears were right there, ready to start spilling down my cheeks, but i felt embarassed to let them do so. finally, i gave the baby back to her mother, turned to ed and walked away; still feeling an overwhelming urge to cry.
this has been happening quite a bit lately, and not just w babies. sometimes it's w animals, sometimes with trees. the other day i saw a tree chopped into pieces, and the image that came to mind right away was that of a body hacked to pieces. that made me sad.
the crying is not always, or even usually, sad though. it's just emotional. sometimes it happens bc i'm really happy, and sometimes bc whatever it is that i'm experiencing touches me. so i'd say that i feel it's a good thing, bc maybe i'm getting less guarded, more open, raw, or whetever it is that makes one experience things deeply.
peace
Monday, June 11, 2007
some quotes i like
quotes from June 2007 issue of The Sun (Sunbeams)
"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." (Victor Hugo)
"One regret, dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough." (Hafiz)
and here are the lyrics to "save me" by susheela raman (off Love Trap, 2003)
sinking
caught up in a whirling motion
such a strange sensation
the current's uncertain
like sails of a mill i spin
like wheels i move in a circle
while you stand on the bank
immune or evasive
throw me a lifeline
save me
intimacy and affection frozen
in this game of chance
i forfeit
a full hand of love with no counter
like a moth
with no flame to persuade me
like blood in the rain
running thin
while you stand on the inside
looking in
save me
inside looking in
complete in yourself
throw me a lifeline
save me
this song speaks to a part of me that has been, so far, touched only through my dreams. it drew me in from the 1st time i heard it. the melody, like the lyrics, is soft and painfuly beautiful.
peace
"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." (Victor Hugo)
"One regret, dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough." (Hafiz)
and here are the lyrics to "save me" by susheela raman (off Love Trap, 2003)
sinking
caught up in a whirling motion
such a strange sensation
the current's uncertain
like sails of a mill i spin
like wheels i move in a circle
while you stand on the bank
immune or evasive
throw me a lifeline
save me
intimacy and affection frozen
in this game of chance
i forfeit
a full hand of love with no counter
like a moth
with no flame to persuade me
like blood in the rain
running thin
while you stand on the inside
looking in
save me
inside looking in
complete in yourself
throw me a lifeline
save me
this song speaks to a part of me that has been, so far, touched only through my dreams. it drew me in from the 1st time i heard it. the melody, like the lyrics, is soft and painfuly beautiful.
peace
sena and i
a few days ago, sena and i had some time by ourselves. it was unexpected. we were supposed to go to a friend's house and check out some nepalese jewelery, but that ended up being cancelled, and suddenly we found ourselves open to other possibilities. ed and aiyana had gone to johnnie's house to build a bench to put in front of the co-op. at first i thought i'd cook and clean, you know the usual, but then sena and i decided we were going to go out. i was hungry, and she wanted the special cookie that the man at the falafael place gives her as a treat, and i thought falafael sounded really good, so that's where we ended up going.
we shared a falafael and then sena had her cookie (this is a real treat for her), with tea and some baklava for myself. we sat at a small table and chatted the whole time. being with her is really almost like being with an adult. actually better in many ways. she's very intelligent, as most kids are, and i can talk to her about almost anything. what's even better is that she still has that openess and honesty, that fresh way of looking at things that we somehow lose as we grow older. so we talked about turkey and romania (there was a poster of turkey on the wall), and other things i can't quite remember. what i do remember is feeling totally relaxed, light and happy. it's quite different than being with both kids, not better or worse, just different, bc aiyana is still little and requires a different kind of attenion and supervision than sena does.
after the restaurant we drove to the plant store to get some more plants for our garden, but it was closed, so then we went home. i finished the dishes and cleaned up a little bit, really quick, and then sena and i got to hang out again. we took a shower together, to get the ticks off, and just for fun. earlier that day we had been out running through tall grass, so i was worried that we may have picked up ticks, but i didn't find any. sena's really good in the shower, she does everything herself, the only thing i need to do is adjust the water temp and flow. so we hung out in there for a while, and then we decided to get out, brush, and go read in bed. i wrapped her up in a big towel, and i was wrapped up in one too. she was standing on a stool as i dried my hair, and when i finished doing that i looked at her and everything just seemd so perfect. i wanted to express how i felt, in words, so i said something like: i love you so much, and i have so much fun being with you. and then she just looked at me and said in a real soft voice, i love you too, and i like being with you. she kind of leaned her head to the side, and everything was just so perfect and open, i don't think i've ever felt so close to anyone, so i started to cry, just a few tears, but i told her that i was crying bc i was so happy. and then she said that she felt like happy crying too, so we hugged. then we brushed our teeth and went to bed.
she picked out a few books, and we snuggled up and i read to her for a long time until my voice started cracking and getting hoarse. we turned out the light and she asked me to tell her a story from when i was young, like she does every night, so i did. she fell asleep, and i just lay there hugging her, and feeling so close. i was drifting into sleep as ed and aiyana pulled in the driveway.
i feel that we created such a beautiful memory that day. of course, i don't mean to imply that it's always so blissful being togehter. maybe one time i'll write about the times when i get really frustrated and she's screaming, etc. these things, the blissful and the not-so-blissful come together, of course. but you already know how that goes...
peace
we shared a falafael and then sena had her cookie (this is a real treat for her), with tea and some baklava for myself. we sat at a small table and chatted the whole time. being with her is really almost like being with an adult. actually better in many ways. she's very intelligent, as most kids are, and i can talk to her about almost anything. what's even better is that she still has that openess and honesty, that fresh way of looking at things that we somehow lose as we grow older. so we talked about turkey and romania (there was a poster of turkey on the wall), and other things i can't quite remember. what i do remember is feeling totally relaxed, light and happy. it's quite different than being with both kids, not better or worse, just different, bc aiyana is still little and requires a different kind of attenion and supervision than sena does.
after the restaurant we drove to the plant store to get some more plants for our garden, but it was closed, so then we went home. i finished the dishes and cleaned up a little bit, really quick, and then sena and i got to hang out again. we took a shower together, to get the ticks off, and just for fun. earlier that day we had been out running through tall grass, so i was worried that we may have picked up ticks, but i didn't find any. sena's really good in the shower, she does everything herself, the only thing i need to do is adjust the water temp and flow. so we hung out in there for a while, and then we decided to get out, brush, and go read in bed. i wrapped her up in a big towel, and i was wrapped up in one too. she was standing on a stool as i dried my hair, and when i finished doing that i looked at her and everything just seemd so perfect. i wanted to express how i felt, in words, so i said something like: i love you so much, and i have so much fun being with you. and then she just looked at me and said in a real soft voice, i love you too, and i like being with you. she kind of leaned her head to the side, and everything was just so perfect and open, i don't think i've ever felt so close to anyone, so i started to cry, just a few tears, but i told her that i was crying bc i was so happy. and then she said that she felt like happy crying too, so we hugged. then we brushed our teeth and went to bed.
she picked out a few books, and we snuggled up and i read to her for a long time until my voice started cracking and getting hoarse. we turned out the light and she asked me to tell her a story from when i was young, like she does every night, so i did. she fell asleep, and i just lay there hugging her, and feeling so close. i was drifting into sleep as ed and aiyana pulled in the driveway.
i feel that we created such a beautiful memory that day. of course, i don't mean to imply that it's always so blissful being togehter. maybe one time i'll write about the times when i get really frustrated and she's screaming, etc. these things, the blissful and the not-so-blissful come together, of course. but you already know how that goes...
peace
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
men staring
i hate it how i (sometimes) change when men look at me. this morning for example: i was tired from a night of bad, bad sleep (aiyana had gas from too many beans for dinner, my fault, so she ended up stirring and nursing all night long, hence no sleep for me, oh well..).
so anyway, we ended up going to Marge's (an outdoor cantine) for breakfast and there were 3 men sitting at the table next to us, and it was so obvious they were staring at me, i could just feel their eyes every time i turned away. so that's not a problem, sometimes i actually get flattered by it and i can return a smile, etc. i guess what bothers me is how i get so self-conscious about it; i fell like i (unwillingly) act different than usual, like i'm doing it for them. all of a sudden it's no longer my show, it's theirs, and i'm acting in it.
no big deal i guess, just something i'm becoming aware of. i must admit i don't like it when it affects me this way; don't know what i'm trying to say, nothing i guess, just sharing how i feel.
peace
so anyway, we ended up going to Marge's (an outdoor cantine) for breakfast and there were 3 men sitting at the table next to us, and it was so obvious they were staring at me, i could just feel their eyes every time i turned away. so that's not a problem, sometimes i actually get flattered by it and i can return a smile, etc. i guess what bothers me is how i get so self-conscious about it; i fell like i (unwillingly) act different than usual, like i'm doing it for them. all of a sudden it's no longer my show, it's theirs, and i'm acting in it.
no big deal i guess, just something i'm becoming aware of. i must admit i don't like it when it affects me this way; don't know what i'm trying to say, nothing i guess, just sharing how i feel.
peace
more susheela raman
i just got susheela raman's 2nd album, which came out in 2003 or so. it's called "love trap", and it's really good, just like "music for crocodiles", which got me into her to begin with.
i love her voice, it's so smooth and soulful, and i guess you can say seductive. very beautiful - i recommend her music if you're in the mood for something mellow and different. i'm looking fwd to getting her 1st album sometime soon.
i love her voice, it's so smooth and soulful, and i guess you can say seductive. very beautiful - i recommend her music if you're in the mood for something mellow and different. i'm looking fwd to getting her 1st album sometime soon.
i think i know what she means
“..I imagined freedom from suffering meant I could manage life’s myriad challenges in a state of steady, unmediated bliss. As my practice deepened, I grew to understand that freedom is not about resting in sublime equanimity despite the suffering of loved ones and strangers.
Freedom is about the willingness to feel deeply.
Freedom is about the willingness to fall apart.
Freedom is about holding onto nothing.
And at the heart of that letting go, that dissolution, that surrender, you discover something sublime and unspeakably, heartbreakingly raw. Call it love. Call it compassion. Call it kindness. Call it redemption.”
-Nina Wise
(thank you Jennifer)
Freedom is about the willingness to feel deeply.
Freedom is about the willingness to fall apart.
Freedom is about holding onto nothing.
And at the heart of that letting go, that dissolution, that surrender, you discover something sublime and unspeakably, heartbreakingly raw. Call it love. Call it compassion. Call it kindness. Call it redemption.”
-Nina Wise
(thank you Jennifer)
Friday, June 01, 2007
the crocus and the peony
would the crocus
prefer to be
a peony instead?
and would the nightingale
prefer to be
an owl?
i doubt it.
so why did i,
so arduously, for so long,
try to be someone i'm not?
i guess
it's part of being human.
and part of being woman
in a patriarchal, consummerist culture.
(and other, much more suddle reasons).
the crocus and the nightingale
put all their energy
into being who they are,
and in so doing
they are beautiful,
perfect.
they make it seem so easy.
i want to honor them,
so i decided
to flow my energy
to being, becoming, who i am.
but who is that?
the only way i know
to define myself -
through interraction, context,
and others' eyes.
does the crocus define herself
against its differences
with the peony?
i doubt it, but i will never know.
there must be more to this.
more to who i am
than the relfections i cast, by accident,
on forms outside myself.
so i believe,
that all there is to do,
is wait and witness,
no, more than that,
EXPERIENCE
the unfolding that is me.
experience it
patiently, effortlessly,
and delight,
just as the crocus does
in this short and exquisite
existence.
prefer to be
a peony instead?
and would the nightingale
prefer to be
an owl?
i doubt it.
so why did i,
so arduously, for so long,
try to be someone i'm not?
i guess
it's part of being human.
and part of being woman
in a patriarchal, consummerist culture.
(and other, much more suddle reasons).
the crocus and the nightingale
put all their energy
into being who they are,
and in so doing
they are beautiful,
perfect.
they make it seem so easy.
i want to honor them,
so i decided
to flow my energy
to being, becoming, who i am.
but who is that?
the only way i know
to define myself -
through interraction, context,
and others' eyes.
does the crocus define herself
against its differences
with the peony?
i doubt it, but i will never know.
there must be more to this.
more to who i am
than the relfections i cast, by accident,
on forms outside myself.
so i believe,
that all there is to do,
is wait and witness,
no, more than that,
EXPERIENCE
the unfolding that is me.
experience it
patiently, effortlessly,
and delight,
just as the crocus does
in this short and exquisite
existence.
a poem i liked
i found this poem in my We/moon 07 book. i really like it, so i thought i'd share it:
I Will (by Marni Norwich, 2005)
listen, i've decided:
life it too precious to ponder
the petty details any longer
and to put it bluntly
i will not participate.
i will not be coming to the party.
i will not be returning the call.
i will not be anything to anyone.
i will stare at the gray sky till it is blue.
i will walk in the green fields and
smell the wildflowers.
i will imbibe this life the way
it was meant to be imbibed.
i will listen only to my body
and the black crows.
i will live by the true laws of the Land.
i will pick wild blackberries and pet cats.
i will write poems i share
only with the wind.
i will raise a child
on the edge of nowhere.
i will nourish her on magic and honey.
i will teach her
the language of fairies.
we will play in
the forest at twilight.
we will hurl all hardship
downhill to the sea.
I Will (by Marni Norwich, 2005)
listen, i've decided:
life it too precious to ponder
the petty details any longer
and to put it bluntly
i will not participate.
i will not be coming to the party.
i will not be returning the call.
i will not be anything to anyone.
i will stare at the gray sky till it is blue.
i will walk in the green fields and
smell the wildflowers.
i will imbibe this life the way
it was meant to be imbibed.
i will listen only to my body
and the black crows.
i will live by the true laws of the Land.
i will pick wild blackberries and pet cats.
i will write poems i share
only with the wind.
i will raise a child
on the edge of nowhere.
i will nourish her on magic and honey.
i will teach her
the language of fairies.
we will play in
the forest at twilight.
we will hurl all hardship
downhill to the sea.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
little things
i started a garden. the digging was hard, but now i'm planting, which is the fun part. i'm thinking of doing flowers and herbs, try to create a nice space for sitting and relaxing...
there's a baltimore oriole building a nest right next to my bedroom window. i'm quietly watching the whole process, as she flies back and forth all day with little bits of this and that. the nest looks like a pouch so far, and soon i think it will be ready for her to lay eggs. i'm so happy that she chose this spot, and can't wait to see the babies.
yesterday we saw a turtle on the road. it was crossing, very slowly, and when we saw it, we turned around and ed got out of the car to pick it up. but he was too late. a truck came by going really fast, and it ran right over the turtle hurling it up in the air. ed picked it up afterwards, and it was still out of its shell, but not moving at all. he put it in a creek nearby. i don't know if it was in shock or dead; it just felt so sad to witness the whole thing.
last year i picked up quite a few turtles who were trying to cross the road. i can't bear to drive by and leave them there, knowing they'll most likely get killed. sometimes i hate cars for the violence they do to living things. but of course, without a car, i would be miserable living here, not being able to get anywhere, etc.
this past weekend we went to the beach to see ed's parents. i wanted to pick shells and rocks for my garden. i found so many beautiful ones...in fact they were all beautiful, which made it hard (or easy) to pick. i ended up with quite a few, and i'm looking fwd to creating some nice designs with them. i'm esp attracted to spirals and circles.
if this posting is a little disjointed, well, it's the best i could do writing with 2 kids on my lap, pulling my hair, etc, you get the idea...
time for play now.
peace
there's a baltimore oriole building a nest right next to my bedroom window. i'm quietly watching the whole process, as she flies back and forth all day with little bits of this and that. the nest looks like a pouch so far, and soon i think it will be ready for her to lay eggs. i'm so happy that she chose this spot, and can't wait to see the babies.
yesterday we saw a turtle on the road. it was crossing, very slowly, and when we saw it, we turned around and ed got out of the car to pick it up. but he was too late. a truck came by going really fast, and it ran right over the turtle hurling it up in the air. ed picked it up afterwards, and it was still out of its shell, but not moving at all. he put it in a creek nearby. i don't know if it was in shock or dead; it just felt so sad to witness the whole thing.
last year i picked up quite a few turtles who were trying to cross the road. i can't bear to drive by and leave them there, knowing they'll most likely get killed. sometimes i hate cars for the violence they do to living things. but of course, without a car, i would be miserable living here, not being able to get anywhere, etc.
this past weekend we went to the beach to see ed's parents. i wanted to pick shells and rocks for my garden. i found so many beautiful ones...in fact they were all beautiful, which made it hard (or easy) to pick. i ended up with quite a few, and i'm looking fwd to creating some nice designs with them. i'm esp attracted to spirals and circles.
if this posting is a little disjointed, well, it's the best i could do writing with 2 kids on my lap, pulling my hair, etc, you get the idea...
time for play now.
peace
more pics
more mudplay...
and a cuddle in the wagon
finally, aiyana's shoes. she insisted on walking with thse little plastic cups on her feet. she loves shoes and as you can see her idea of what a shoe is quite open-ended.
after the storm
these pics were taken after the storm that knocked over the tree in our yard. in the first one, you can see the power cables kind of hanging over the driveway.
the 2nd and 3rd pics are of Sena and Aiyana standing in the crater left behind by the uprooted tree. those huge vine-like things are roots... pretty impressive...
i added the last pic just bc i think it looks so crazy and funny. as you see, they dress themselves.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Mother's day
last weekend i had the nicest Mother's day gift. we were going to Rhode Island to see ed's mom, and before we got there, ed asked me what i wanted for mother's day and i said some time to myself. so we stopped at a small convenience store and i got a cup of cofee, and then ed drove to the beach, and dropped me off.
i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.
after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.
peace
i had my books, my journal, my camping chair, coffee and some dark chocolate. i found a sheltered place, behind a sand dune, out of the wind but in full view of the ocean. i sat there, in the sun, having coffee and chocolate, reading, writing, taking in the ocean, the seagulls, the smell of salt in the air. i felt so happy, light and free. there were very few other people on the beach - which made the whole atmosphere quite different from what it is in the summer.
after some time, i packed up my stuff and walked to ed's mother's cottage.
that was all i needed.
peace
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