on having quit my job

some people wanted to know how i felt about quitting my job as time went on.
well, it's been about 5 months now, and i can honestly say that except for one anxious dream, i've had absolutely no regrets about quitting. (in the dream, i still had to make a decision whether to quit or not, and i felt very anxious about it, bc i felt that i liked my job and i was sad about not doing it anymore.)

so while it's true that i liked some parts of my job quite a bit, i can't say that i miss my job at all. my days are full, and i am doing what i most want to be doing at this time in my life. i feel that the time i spend with my children is precious, and i can tell that being together every day is making a huge positive difference in our lives.

one thing, which i am very grateful for, is that money is not an issue right now for my family. so i have the option of staying home w/o feeling any financial pressure. i know that many families are not that lucky. for us, given our lifestyle, and the fact that ed is still working, we feel comfortable with our situation.

i just recently realized that i'm very grateful to my parents for guiding me into my engineering career. the fact that i worked for 10 years in this field, and was able to save some money, is what allows me to feel free to make a different choice right now - whether that is to stay home w my kids, or maybe to pursue a different interest in a few years.

so yeah, it was pretty hard to decide to give up my job, for many reasons, but once i did it, i never regretted it (so far), and my new life actually turns out to be even better than i had imagined. this is where my heart is, and i feel extremely lucky to be in this situation.

peace

welcome spring!

wow, what a last couple of days! i feel great!
my sister and i just went for a walk, from my house to starbucks. it's gorgeous outside, sunny and comfortable. we had 2 strollers with us, and my sister was also carrying julia in her sling. sena and aiyana really enjoyed themselves, except for the part where they both wanted me to push them, and of course i can't push 2 strollers at once...but it all got resolved, my sister and i taking turns pushing the strollers. julia slept most of the time, but when awake she was happy as usual. i've never seen an easier, more content baby!!!

yesterday was also a gorgeous day, even warmer than today (70F), although less sunny. my sister and i and all the girlies went to horsebarn hill at uconn. we visited the horses, sheep and cows. the sheep had lots of little lambs running around, which was fun to watch. but the most interesting was watching the cows, bc a few of them are calving right now. we saw a few calves that must've just been born, bc they were still wet and shiny, and barely able to stand. then there were some cows, obviously very pregnant and just about ready to give birth. one cow was actually in labor, and we got to watch her for a while. at one point i thought the calf was about to come out, but then sena and aiyana started getting restless, and we had to leave.

i would love to watch a birth - although i've experienced my own, being there for someone else's holds a special fascination for me. maybe one day. i'll have to get the word out there that i'd like to attend birth as a support person, or clean-up lady, or anything at all, just to be part of it...and maybe someone in our community will call me up....

tomorrow i'm going to montreal. i'm getting really excited about it, esp. since the weather is supposed to be good, which means that i can do some walking around. i am a little anxious too, mostly about the drive, which could be challenging with 2 little kids. also, i'm hoping that once i'm in montreal, sena and aiyana will want to spend some time w my parents so that i can have some time to myself... that would be really great.

enjoy this beautiful time of year....

peace

learning how to roller-skate

weird "endif" statements

i'm sorry for the weird "endif" type of statements that appear randomly in some of my postings. i think they have to do with the fact that i write my stuff on my laptop at home, whenever i have time, and then copy and paste it into my blog when i get a chance to be online. i've been using wordpad to on my laptop, but i'm switching to notepad in the hope that there won't be any more weird characters and statements.
i'm not all that computer savvy, not to mention that i barely have time to write my stuff, forget about formatting it... but hopefuly this will work.

peace

how i'm feeling this morning...

i have my family.
i have my good friends.
i have the trees, and the birds.
i have the song of the river,
and the sound of the waves.

i have my writing.
i have my dreams.

i have everything.

i have some knowledge of myself,
and some of you.

i have nothing,
i let it all go.

i have this feeling of elation.
i understand pain, frustration, disappointment,
you know, all that.

i know peace within myself.
i know crazyness.
i know sweet and salty tears,
i know how to laugh.

i'm learning how to love -
i've always known how to love.

i know truth and contradiction,
know that often they're the same.

i love knowing that i'm nothing, know nothing.

i have everything.

the red tent

i've been reading this book since last sunday (when ed took the kids and gave me about two hours to myself, which felt delicious). i heard about it before, heard that it was like the bible, but written from a woman's perspective. i can't really comment on that, bc i never read the bible. but, i can definitely say that i love it, and recommend it - what draws me to it the most is its descriptions of women's lives, from childhood to old age, in a time and place much different than my own. i love the bonds that tie these women together, and the gritty texture of their lives, with all their sorrows and joys.

peace march

a week ago, ed, aiyana and i went to a local peace rally. it was a small thing, 50 people or less marching together for 10 blocks. we stopped in a park, listened to a speech, and then marched back. it felt good to be part of something like this again. in he past, we used to go to big peace rallies in DC in NYC, but it's been much harder with the kids, so now we try to go to small, local ones. i always like the combined energy of the people who get together at these things. it's exciting, i like feeling like i'm part of something larger than my immediate, mundane concerns. but one thing bothered me at this last rally.

on our walk back from the speech, i noticed a young woman walking in front of me with a large poster mounted high on a stick. the poster depicted a mother, dressed in black clothes, wearing black head-dress, and carrying, in her arms, the limp body of a small child. the child, her child, was naked and dead. blood was trickling from the side of his body. as soon as my eyes landed on this picture, i had the knee-jerk reaction which i always get when i see such things. i got choked up, my stomach felt like it wanted to turn inside out, and my eyes started filling with tears. i didn't say anything, just kept walking and looking at the poster. i could not take my eyes off it, and i suddenly felt terribly sad and lonely. the excitement of the gathering, the feeling of a good cause, all of that, gone. although the poster seemed to fit in with the theme of the march, somehow, i felt unease. something felt wrong, but i couldn't put words to it.

finally, i just turned to ed, who was pushing aiyana's stroller, unaware of what i was feeling. i pointed to the poster and said to him, "i hope that when they made that, they did it with a lot of respect". it was a weird thing to say, in a way, and i had to elaborate it for myself and for ed's sake. i think that what i wanted to say is that i hope they didn't just use that picture lightly. it was such a powerful image, and it should not be thrown around lightly. people who've lost children are suffering greatly, and i feel that their pain should not be used for any purpose without the utmost respect. i'm not conveying what i felt really well, but maybe you get the idea...

i actually had he same feeling when i walked in a cafe today, and saw a book on display. it was about a boy soldier, from sierra leone, about the terrible things he had been through. his own account of war, how he was drawn into it and how he eventually escaped it. anyway, as soon as i saw the book, i knew it was powerful. yet, i had that feeling again, something sour coming up inside me. i felt, here's this crazy, heart-wrenching story being used as entertainment for people sipping coffee in their spare time. it's such a fuzzy issue, bc i do think that these stories need to be told, we all need to know them and ache for them and do our best to make things easier, lighter, etc. yet, a part of me feels like these stories are being used as entertainment, which means that some people's pain are used for other's "fun".

i don't really see any solution to this. all i can think of is that when i read or come accross stories / images like these, i do want to take them seriously, i want to let them come in and touch me. maybe what i'm trying to say is that i don't want to get used to them, don't want to get callused, don't want my heart to shut, so that one person's story becames just one more sad story i've read somewhere, while sipping coffee.

peace

playing in the mud, etc.

the top picture is of sena reading to aiyana. i love it when they do that. they get really into it, and it's really sweet, not to mention that it gives me a little break.

the next two pictures are from last week mud-play session. maybe we'll have another one today... (like the boogers hanging out of aiyana's nose?)

my tooth is better!

my tooth is so much better! i took golden seal and rinced with kloss' liniment (which is a mix of ecchinacea, golden seal, cayenne, and vodka). it took about 1.5 weeks, but the infection went down gradually and eventually disappeared. i am also feeling better overall, so i'm very grateful to my herbalist friends who helped me.

asleep, by banana yoshimoto

i love this opening passage from banana yoshimoto's short story, "love songs". maybe it's because it captures so well something i often feel, yet fail to put in words:

"late at night the trees in my garden seemed to shine.
awash in light from the street, the quiet glittering green of the leaves and the deep brown of the trunk seemed startingly vivid.
...each time i looked out on that scenery...i'd be overwhelmed by the unbeleivable purity of those colors, and i'd start feeling as if nothing really mattered, like i wouldn't care at all even if i were to lose everything i had.
this wasn't resignation, or desperation. it was a much more natural form of acceptance, a feeling that arose from a sweep of emotion that was quiet and cool and crystal-clear."

better

things have been much lighter since my last posting. i guess i just really needed to cry, you know how that goes.
yesterday, we had a beutiful, warm spring day. we hung out with sena's friend, giovanna, in the morning, and with my sister and julia. went for a weet little walk around roxi's neighborhood. giovanna's dad picked her up at our house at 2:30, and it was so beautiful out that sena, aiyana and i just ended up spending a few more hours outside. first, we played in the mud. the front of our house is a mud pit at this time, and getting in and out of the house can be frustrating. usually, what happens is that it takes an hour for me to get everyone ready to leave the house, and then when we're finally outside, just about to get in the car, one of the kids trips and falls flat in the mud. so then, i have to go back in the house, get a change of clothes, etc. etc, and in the meantime we're late to whatever we have to do, one or both kids are crying, i'm frustrated, etc.

yesterday, as we hung out near the house, i started getting nervous seeing sena and aiyana near the mud pit. they really wanted to play in there, had their digging sticks ready and their rubber boots on. i felt myself getting tense as i was just about to say "stay out of the mud", and then i just said to myself, why not, why not let them enjoy themselves? so i did, i said, go ahead, and that's all it took, before they were both running back and forth through the thickest of it all, falling in the puddles, stomping and splashing everythere. it was so much fun to let it take whatever shape it would, to not try to control it. i wish i could let it go like this more often, but unfortunately they do need a lot of washing and cleaning afetrwards, not bc i care what they look like, but bc they don't like to be wet, and this is just not practical sometimes.

so anyway, after all that fun in the mud, i washed them both (outside, bucket style), changed them, and we headed to the general store for some soup. we sat outside on a bench, in the sun, and it was so much fun hanging out and relaxing (yes, relaxing, i guess the mud play wore them out..). just the three of us. i felt really good doing that.

sena's been coming up with these really sweet things lately. a while ago, for example, she asked if we were going to die, and i said that everyone will die at some point. then she got really serious, and almost scared, and she said, "but i don't want you and dada to die". then she told us that we had to eat a lot and get lots of energy, so that we would not die. i told her that most likely it will be quite some time before we die, and that we'll get to spend lots of time together before that happened. but she still insisted that we could not die.
that was a month ago or so. then, this morning, she told me that she knew that ed and i would die at some time. but she wasn't sad sying this. that's bc, she said, we would all die together. we'd all snuggle up together, and be really close, and die that way. it was just so sweet, it really touched me.

every day, there are so many precious moments... i want so much to be open, to be receptive to them. i want to let any heaviness i may be experiencing be there, acknowledge it - but i don't want to let it control me and rob me of these unique moments. they happen so quietly, so unexpectedly, that unless i'm open, i miss them completely. they are so small, and yet when i'm receptive, they fill me with joy, and lighten whatever is weighing me down.

peace

needing to write

today i really need to write. my dreams have been very intense again lately. i don't know why i'm experiencing this. i feel like it's a test to see if i can keep level. or a test of what is real. because my dreams certainly feel more real than the real thing, and it makes me wonder.

when i wake up from an especially powerful dream, i feel like i used to when walking out of a really good movie: totally disoriented, so absorbed in the world that the movie created. i remember being in montreal, and coming out of a movie theater feeling so raw as i tried to walk down the street; everything seemed so senseless. all i wanted to do was go home or somewhere safe and process all the feelings / emotions that the movie had brought out. often, i'd just want to cry and cry till everything was washed away. movies like "the big blue", or "37.2 le matin", or "the english patient", and many others, made me feel this way.

..................

just as i was writing the above, some chaos happened at our house, and i just lost my center and started to cry, and left the house, and here i am now, sitting outside at the general store, writing and trying to get some sanity back:

about a week and a half ago, i had a tooth pulled out. it had broken, and part of it fell out (this happened over 2 years ago), but i never did anything about it because i was either pregnant or nursing and did not feel like taking any medication or having x-rays. plus, the tooth wasn't really bothering me. anyway, finally i decided to go to the dentist, and i got it pulled out,and they told me that it was infected under the gum. they said that i should start feeling better overall soon, since my body had been fighting the infection all this time, and maybe that's why i've been feeling so tired. so i was really excited hearing this, cuz i could certainly use some extra energy, and i can do without this feeling of cronic sleep deprivation...

unfortunately, my tooth is not better yet, it's still infected, but i'm working with herbs and stuff to clear it up. i could take antibiotics, but want to use that as a last resort since aiyana's still nursing, and she's actually been nursing a lot lately, and i don't want any drugs getting into her system.

so between my tooth being infected, and not getting any good sleep in weeks due to aiyana's teething (all these tooth problems!), plus not having much of a break from mothering in a long time, i'm left feeling pretty depleted and edgy. today, it took a toll on me, and when both sena and aiyana decided that they were not going nap, well, i came close to snapping. it helped that ed was there, in the sense that at least i felt i had some back-up and felt free to cry. (ed took a sick day from work today bc he has a cold, and he spent the morning at school working on his journalism class, and then he came home for lunch, which is when i saw him). i just felt so frustrated that the kids weren't sleeping, esp. after i had been driving around in circles trying to get them to do so. i really felt like today, i could not do without a break. i needed the mental space, some time to myself, and when it appeared that i wasn't going to get it, i just lost it.

so i just sat there in our house, and cried and held my head in my hands. i really wanted to yell at someone, or throw something, but i restrained myself. i needed to let out all these emotions. i felt so frustrated for not having enough support. you know, the typical thing, how the mother always puts herself last, etc. well, for me that is true. but it's not sustainable. somehow i have to get things working so that i can have a break too once in a while. the scary thing is that when i fall apart, our whole family falls apart. the kids get upset, and maybe even scared, and everyone just feels lost. today, when i told ed that i needed to leave for an hour, sena started to cry and told me not to go. so i had to explain things to her, even though i was in no mood for explanation. but i told her that i really need to do this, because if i don't something bad will happen to me. she asked what would happen, if i would die, and i said that i don't know what will happen, but i probably would not die. she was happy with this explanation and let me go.

this has been an issue for some time (my lack of time to myself), and ed and i have been trying to come up with something workable. i think if we could start with a couple of hours per week, it would make me feel a lot better. but i need it to be a set time, something i can count on and look fwd to, as opposed to just a random period of time that i may or may not get. so hopefuly we'll try this and see how it works.

i think i'm feeling better now, just for having written... i don't know what's up with my writing. why it seems so important. who am i writing for, and why? i think what i always strive for is connection, and intimacy. writing makes these things feel more tangible, more within reach. although, ultimately, i know that the gulf between us, humans, is always there, no matter what we do. we are always alone, and even the closest bonds of family, lovers, or friends, cannot bridge our fundamental separation. i've had moments in my life when i really felt like the other person and i melted together. those are amongst the most precious things in my life - yet, i can't hold on to them, because it's just not possible, and ultimately i have to admit to myself, and to accept the fact that i am alone just like we all are. only death will end this separation, but i'm not ready for that yet. i'm ok with this loneliness, i can even enjoy it in many ways. it does not stop me from always trying to connect, always reaching out.

today, i had a really good moment, when i realized that all these things inside of me can coexist: the pain, the beauty, the disappointments, the loneliness, the hope, the seriousness, the light-heartedness, everything. it came to me really clearly that i am not defined by any of my roles: i am not the mother, not the daughter, not the lover, not the sister, not the friend. i am not the anorexic, not the nerd, not the air-head, not the know-it-all. i am not the one who's been hurt, nor the one that caused the hurt. these things trap me every once in a while, holding me with their rigid definitions, but always, i have glimpses of something else, which is none and all of them, and so much more. something so freeing and unknown, that i can't help but feel that everything is unbearably beautiful just how it is.

time to head back home now...

peace

sputnik sweetheart

a novel by haruki murakami, which i recently read - very nice, drew me right in. after years of not having read any fiction books, this was a nice one to start with. i especially enjoyed the author's insights on love, longing, and writing. reminded me that there are so many kinds of love, so many ways in which people get attached to each other. and fortunately, despite our attempts, i doubt we'll ever be able to capture all of love's expressions into neat little categories.

i choose to fail: stepping out of the system

last night i had a dream that woke me up and stayed with me since. i don't know what time it was when i awoke, but for the rest of the night, this sentence kept playing over and over in my head: "i choose to fail". as i lay in bed, and its significance became clear to me, things started to crystallize, come together in a way they've never done before. like a lake that's just on the verge of freezing, one minute the water still liquid, and then suddenly, one tiny disturbance, and the whole thing is covered with a sheet of ice. of course, now that i'm awake and i try to convey my understanding in a logical manner, it no longer seems so easy. there are things i forget. and others just don't lend themselves to being conveyed in a logical, linear fashion. but i'll try anyway.

in my dream, i found myself in romania. i was in school, taking a math test with the rest of my class. the teacher giving us the test was the gym teacher, the one that beat up my friend's brother.
i was working on the first 2 problems of the test for some time, when i noticed that i wasn't supposed to do both of them, but only choose one. however, this was not clearly indicated on the test, and anyone could have easily missed it, just like i did. i knew at this point, that there was no way i could finish the rest of the test, after having spent so much time on the first 2 problems.

so, in a panic, i went to my teacher, explained the situation, and asked him for some extra time, or some kind of a compromise. yet he was not sympathetic to my case, and more than that, i felt that in his tone, he was actually mocking me, and being condescending. i went back to my seat feeling enraged. i thought that it wasn't fair for him not to even consider my case, and i was upset that the test was so poorly written to begin with.

i considered using what little time was left to do as much as possible, knowing that no matter how hard i tried, i would end up with a crappy grade anyway. then, before i knew it, i stood up in the middle of class, and shouted at the teacher: "i choose to fail". then i left.

i knew that a failing grade would totally stand out in my report card and would raise questions among the other teachers who knew me. i felt relieved once i had made my decision, but more than that, i felt like something vast was opening before me. something unknown and unexpected, which felt right.

when i woke up, it was clear that what i chose to step out of, when i said "i choose to fail" was not only that particular math class, but the whole institution of organized education, and a lot more than that. pink floyd's "hey teachers, leave the kids alone" came to me, and for the first time, i knew what it meant. michel foucault's writing on institutions, power and control also came to mind and made a lot more sense than when i read him, a few years ago.

what became clear to me is that so many things that we're taught to strive for are like bait trapping us in a system set up to control us. good grades when we are in school, and later money, prestige, status, all that - just distractions to take us away from the truth, reality, whatever you want to call it. a whole system set up by power structures whose interests they serve.

it occured to me that what i've been doing over the last few years of my life is stepping out of this system. "failing", by its standards. some people close to me are alarmed by this failure, and how it reflects in my life: lack of interest in status and social position, in things like a nice house, and other material goods; giving up my job; etc. well-intentioned, they are afraid of what may happen to me once i'm no longer playing the game. this, i cannot tell. i may live simply and happily ever after. or, i may not. all i know is that it feels good, it feels real, it feels like i can breathe. it feels like stepping away from a disrespectful, mocking "teacher", who does not care about me at all.

peace

gift

a few days ago, sena asked me what i want her to get me when she gets bigger. i was a little taken by surprise, since we don't often talk about getting each other stuff, but i figured she must've heard it somewhere and that's why she's asking. i told her that she could get me anything she wanted, anything she thought i would like. i told her that anything she got me would be special to me. then she thought for a while, and told me that she was going to get me: socks (i love good socks, this is one thing i don't like to compromise on); something i could hang on the wall to look at and feel good about; and a sharp knife for cutting veges.

this incident reminded me of something from my past: when i was about 15 years old, my mom was going through a hard time. we had just come to canada, and were experiencing quite a bit of culture shock. on top of that, my mom started to realize that working in her profession, as a medical doctor, was going to be very difficult in this new country. at best, it would take years before she'd be able to practice again. in the meantime, she'd have to go back to medical school with people a lot younger than she was at the time, she'd have to take lots of exams - in short it would not be easy. she was not prepared for this, and with all the other changes we were experiencing at the time, she became stressed and overwhelmed.

i was going through my own stuff, and so was my sister and dad. but to me, my mom's suffering was the most obvious. i really wanted to make her happy, but i didn't know how. i felt like i had no control over the circumstances that made her unhappy. one thing i thought about was that if we had more money, things would be so much easier for all of us. so i promissed myself that when i'd get older and earn my own money, i'd save it and get my mom a really speial present. something to make her really happy and show her how i feel. i thought about what this could be, and came up with a fur coat. a fur coat is expensive, so it would be very special, and my mom would love it. in romania, fur coats were very much in style. they were hard to get, and as such became a symbol of social status for those who had them. it was with this mindset that i decided on my special present.

years passed. we all changed a lot. my mom found that her trials were even harder than she'd imagined. they took a toll on her well-being.
my sister and i became acculturated, at ease in our new environment. we did well in school and found well-paying jobs quite easily. not long after starting my job as an engineer, i found myself in the position to buy my mom her special gift. i had not forgotten my idea from years ago. i still wanted to make her happy. still thought she'd appreciate something nice from me. yet, by now, so many things had changed.

for one, a fur coat now seemed like a ridiculos gift idea. nobody i knew or thought of as cool wore fur coats. also, the issue of animal cruelty, which i had not even thought about before, was making the whole thing unfeasible. but, more importantly, i realized that no gift i could buy my mother would make her happy. time and experience had taught me that things are just not that simple. sure, my mom would appreciate a gift from me, the thoughtfulness and kindness behind it. but her life would not change because of it. she'd still have to deal with depression, disappointment, and the general murkiness of life; she'd have to somehow tread her own path through it. the best thing i could do as she's going through her stuff is to be there with her openly, honestly and lovingly. this, of course, is also the hardest, given all the history, all the inhibitions, all the conditioning we now carry around each other from over the years.

when sena told me how much she wanetd to give me a gift when she'd get older, i knew exactly what she meant. i knew the inocence and the simplicity behind her desire. mostly, i knew the openness and generosity of her beautiful heart.
i am so grateful now to be able to experience things from my past, things i would have otherwise forgotten about, through my children. in a way, i now get to experience them from the other side, and that brings a kind of completion that feels just right.

totaly out of context

some wild roses, 3 yrs ago

ideal day

this morning, i stood by the sink scrubbing a potato. i've been making homefries and eggs every morning for the past month or so, per sena's request (although aiyana and i are really into it now too). i was still sleepy, and my mind started to wonder unfocused.

i thought, (no, actually i felt), how nice it would be to wake up whenever i'm ready to, and then have a shower. just that. what a treat! then, i imagined following with a really good breakfast. soon, i realized that i was in the process of visualizing my "ideal" day.

the first part of the visualization, above, was very clear. the rest of it was a little more unfocused, in the sense that it involved feelings more than the actual circumstances that would bring about those feelings. in any case, for the rest of my day, i imagined being out in nature (maybe gardening, hiking, something like that); getting together with friends and having fun; spending some time writing, painting, cooking, daydreaming, or doing something creative; and having enough family time to talk and connect with each other.

i was very happy to realize that my "ideal" day is actually very realistic, and i can see it coming along not too long from now. the only thing is that there's no activity in it directed twds making money, and hopefuly that won't be a problem....

and of course, my ideal day is probably going to look very different if you catch me on a different day, different season, different mindset, etc. not to mention that i can imagine other "ideal" days that would look nothing like what i've described here... but these don't fit within the current context of my life, so i figured i'd better not spend too much energy on them now.

peace

more winter pics

i can't get enough of this. today, we're having another gorgeous day, like the one i had when i took these pics.

peace

sledding

went sledding today. it was so much fun! the weather was beautiful - we had about 3in of snow last night, so there was a nice cover, yet it was warm enough to be comfortable w/o a jacket. ed was home from work, so the 4 of us went to uconn, on one of the big hills there. we had 2 tobogans, one of which didn't work very well. but the other one was great, and the four of us ended up on it, and we were going so fast down the hill, snow spraying into our faces.by the time we reached the bottom, we were all laughing. going uphill was less fun, at least for me and ed, since we had to carry both kids and the tobogan. but we got a few really good runs in before everyone was tired and we went home.

i am so glad i get to experience this again! it's been a long time since i had fun in the snow, but being with the kids got me into it again.

last friday i was not feeling so great, a little tired and vulnerable, so i felt like i needed some energy and support. i put on my "new" sweather, the one sue gave me the previous days. she wore it for years, and it shows. it has two big holes, and lots of love. i put it on bc i thought that having sue's energy close to me would feel nice. and it does. i've worn it every day since then. i may have to wash it, it's got some jam stains on it from aiyana's hands...

i really love clothes with a history, like this sweather. clothes that have been worn and loved and have character. and if i know the person who's had it before me, and connect with their energy, that's even so much better...

by the trail

squatting down by the old trail,

low to the ground.

i've walked this trail so many times,

now covered with snow

bright sun reflecting off, blinding me.

i close my eyes.

today, i am not walking.

i feel weary, so instead

i squat down low,

feet firmly planted in soft snow

so i can feel closer to her, Earthmother.

i seek relief and soothing.

been inside for too long,

confined by walls and by too many thoughts.

close to the ground,

i rest my head into my hands,

i close my eyes,

and feel.

i feel the wind, a slightest breeze

running its fingers through my hair,

sending it, gently, over my face.

suddenly, the thought comes to me

that your breath is on the wind,

and it makes me smile

knowing that you Love me.

after a while, i start hearing faint noises.

footsteps? i turn my head,

but nobody is there.

it's only branches creaking in the wind

the Trees speaking to me.

i've been missing this so much....

i hear birds and squirrels play -

they know that spring is coming,

today, a perfect messenger for it.

my body feels less weary,

my emotions still untamed

yet somehow less instense, less powerful.

this is the end of winter,

time when the snow and ice melt,

when rivers swell,

carrying away debris, unnecessary things,

preparing ground for new growth.

it is, as well, the winter of my soul,

and i am waiting for a swell of rushing water

to take away these images, these feelings and sensations

that clutter me, allow me no peace.

i love them and i hate them,

i want them and i don't.

they're who i am, so in the end

i'll have to find a way for them to coexist

with tiny shoots of new growth

that stir inside of me.

how? i can't tell you yet.

that's why i'm here,

by myself,

in the snow,

by the old trail.