last night i had a dream that woke me up and stayed with me since. i don't know what time it was when i awoke, but for the rest of the night, this sentence kept playing over and over in my head: "i choose to fail". as i lay in bed, and its significance became clear to me, things started to crystallize, come together in a way they've never done before. like a lake that's just on the verge of freezing, one minute the water still liquid, and then suddenly, one tiny disturbance, and the whole thing is covered with a sheet of ice. of course, now that i'm awake and i try to convey my understanding in a logical manner, it no longer seems so easy. there are things i forget. and others just don't lend themselves to being conveyed in a logical, linear fashion. but i'll try anyway.
in my dream, i found myself in romania. i was in school, taking a math test with the rest of my class. the teacher giving us the test was the gym teacher, the one that beat up my friend's brother.
i was working on the first 2 problems of the test for some time, when i noticed that i wasn't supposed to do both of them, but only choose one. however, this was not clearly indicated on the test, and anyone could have easily missed it, just like i did. i knew at this point, that there was no way i could finish the rest of the test, after having spent so much time on the first 2 problems.
so, in a panic, i went to my teacher, explained the situation, and asked him for some extra time, or some kind of a compromise. yet he was not sympathetic to my case, and more than that, i felt that in his tone, he was actually mocking me, and being condescending. i went back to my seat feeling enraged. i thought that it wasn't fair for him not to even consider my case, and i was upset that the test was so poorly written to begin with.
i considered using what little time was left to do as much as possible, knowing that no matter how hard i tried, i would end up with a crappy grade anyway. then, before i knew it, i stood up in the middle of class, and shouted at the teacher: "i choose to fail". then i left.
i knew that a failing grade would totally stand out in my report card and would raise questions among the other teachers who knew me. i felt relieved once i had made my decision, but more than that, i felt like something vast was opening before me. something unknown and unexpected, which felt right.
when i woke up, it was clear that what i chose to step out of, when i said "i choose to fail" was not only that particular math class, but the whole institution of organized education, and a lot more than that. pink floyd's "hey teachers, leave the kids alone" came to me, and for the first time, i knew what it meant. michel foucault's writing on institutions, power and control also came to mind and made a lot more sense than when i read him, a few years ago.
what became clear to me is that so many things that we're taught to strive for are like bait trapping us in a system set up to control us. good grades when we are in school, and later money, prestige, status, all that - just distractions to take us away from the truth, reality, whatever you want to call it. a whole system set up by power structures whose interests they serve.
it occured to me that what i've been doing over the last few years of my life is stepping out of this system. "failing", by its standards. some people close to me are alarmed by this failure, and how it reflects in my life: lack of interest in status and social position, in things like a nice house, and other material goods; giving up my job; etc. well-intentioned, they are afraid of what may happen to me once i'm no longer playing the game. this, i cannot tell. i may live simply and happily ever after. or, i may not. all i know is that it feels good, it feels real, it feels like i can breathe. it feels like stepping away from a disrespectful, mocking "teacher", who does not care about me at all.
peace
No comments:
Post a Comment