halloween party

my first halloween party - i had a great time.
kids had fun too - sena really wanted to be a butterfly, so grandma made her a beautiful costume. aiyana was a lion. not sure she knew the difference, but i think she enjoyed the festive atmosphere at the party...

stories

lately, i've been telling lots of stories. my family got into this habit, and now, before we go to sleep, we all lie in bed and tell stories. we take turns. first ed, then i, and sometimes even sena. she tells her own stories, which are a combination of my stories with ed 's and with stuff that happened to her during the day. sometimes she adds fantasy too.

storytelling is a great art. i learnt it from my grandmother. i'm not very good at it, but the nice thing about stories is that it doesn't matter too much. anyone can be a storyteller, i think, as long as they speak from the heart.
another grat thing about stories is that they make things come alive and make us feel connected in a way very few other things can. recently, for example, i've been telling sena stories about stanton. stanton's been dead for 2 years now, and i must admit that i haven't thought of him much being caught with daily life. i mean i feel that he's still part of me, but i just don't consciously think of him that much. but now that i'm telling stories about him, about the first day we brought him home, or the time he got sick, etc, i feel that he's alive again. i feel very close to him, and i feel that the stories themselves keep him alive in some way. what's really nice and unexpected is that sena now started talking about him as if she really knew him. she'll tell me something about him out of the blue, and she'll say that he's her dog. it just makes me feel really nice that she loves him even though she's never met him.

i also tell my daughters stories about my life in romania - things that happened as i grew up, with my friends, my grandmothers, my cousins, etc. sometimes, as i speak, the story takes over me, and i start reliving it. i don't have to make any effort to remember what happened or make the it go a certain way. it seems that all i have to do is start and then things go by themselves. the story tells itself and sena, aiyana and i just enjoy. i don't think that aiyana understands the content of the story yet. but i know that she feels comforted and safe as she listens, because as soon as we start she becomes very relaxed and falls asleep.

i know well that soothing quality of a person's voice as they tell a story. i remember it from my grandmother who always comforted us to sleep with her own stories. (i actually a wrote about her recently - i may post it sometime.)
i think my grandmother would be happy to know that some of the stories i tell sena and aiyana are ones she told my sister and i when we were young. some are from her own childhood. i can see now how amazing oral traditions must have been. not only do they keep things alive, but in the process they provide a bond between people, that i don't think can be matched by written stories or other media. when i read a book for example, or see a movie, the story itself can definitely draw me in; but to feel an actual bond with the person who wrote the story or made the movie, to feel connected w them on a personal, intimate level, that is rare.

there are lots of stories that i have, so far, kept to myself. stories that want to be told, just waiting for an open heart and a certain level of maturity.
when i grow up, that's what i want to do: tell stories.

peace

sena - a quiet moment

autumn tears

mon oct 22nd 2006

wrote these over the weekend. felt very low energywise - all i wanted to do is lie in bed with a book or listen to some music or something like that. got a break on sunday, when i only had aiyana and she fell asleep, and that's when i wrote these.

(fall)

fall is a drawing in
back in
deep inside the core
where everything starts
and everything returns

the trees look bare
on the outside
all plants drawing their energy
into the roots
delicious roots
of carrots, daikon, burdock...

i follow their lead
through no choice of my own
i feel the same stirrings they do
take over my whole being...

these days i'm quiet
the outward exuberance gone
back into the depths
into that innermost part
that is my guide, my comfort, my home

don't look to the outside
what looks dead and withered
pulsates with life, with new potential
deep inside the core.

nurture that and
watch yourself transform

even as everything seems to be dying
the seed of new life sprouts on

-----------------
(why i cry)

today's the kind of day
when i feel so emotional,
so sensitive, that my eyes
are ready to fill with tears at any moment

i cry for nothing, no specific reason
i cry for everything

i cry for lost innocence,
for shattered dreams and hopes -
mine and yours.

i cry for the pain and beauty
that transformations entail -
the transformations we all, inevitably, go through

i cry for my mother's childhood,
for my father's dog that got run over
for my grandmother and her unfulfilled love

i cry for those i love and hurt

i cry for myself
for the love and fear i feel inside:
love drowning me, taking over
and just when i'm about to do its bidding
fear cutting me down, holding me back -
i cry for that struggle

i cry for those who suffer
and those who make them suffer

i cry for how we regiment, regulate love
the most important thing there is
like regimenting air,
the air we need to breathe

i cry for all of us
for how we go through life
blind, deaf, numb, hurt, scared,
missing it all

i cry for the beauty of the moments
the split-seconds when we wake up
when something touches us
and lets us know we're still alive

i cry for the deceits,
the let-downs,
the heart-breaks
that shaped my life

i cry for the moments when,
having been numb for too long,
i feel a stirring and,
taken by surprise,
i smile to myself in silence: "hey, i'm still kicking"

i cry for how perfect this is
when you can look at it
from a certain distance...

peace

quitting pratt

(written on mon oct 9th, 2006)

today, i quit pratt & whitney. i called my boss this morning, and confirmed that i will not be returning to work.
it's hard to describe how i feel. this was a big decision. working at pratt, being an "engineer" defined my identity for the past 10 years or so. i had a lot of problems with this "definition", and yet it felt so comfortable, so me....
you know, when you first meet someone and they ask "so what do you do", i'd say i was an engineer, and then most people would make up their mind, at least partly, as to who i am (i do that too, of course, just becoming more aware of it lately). that label is no longer available now that i quit and don't plan to claim it bak any time soon.

after speaking to my boss, i went to my sister's house to pick her up for a hike. driving there, i suddenly experienced this free-falling sensation that i get when something really good or really bad happens. this time, it was both, or neither. maybe it was just uncertainty.

pratt, and engineering, have been such a big part of my life. ever since i was very young, i was surrounded by engineers in my family: my dad, my aunts and uncles. the other half of my relatives were doctors. so when it came to choosing a career, my choice was doctor or engineer. i tried to get into medical school at mcgill and didn't, so engineering it was. engineering school was a fun (on a social level), and graduate school, although not as much fun, was great from another point of view - it's where i really got to love what i was studying, or at least part of it: like fluids, thermodynamics, etc. these things were fascinating, but, unfortunately they ended with gradschool. working in industry had little to do with what i learnt in my studies.

getting a job at pratt was very exciting at first, and although i realized very soon that you don't need a masters, actually you don't even need a batchelors to do my job (just a few month of training would suffice), i was nevertheless very enthusiastic about learning everything i was learning and working on engines. my enthusiasm elicited a lot of positive response from my colleagues and bosses, so i felt appreciated. money was good too, very good for my standards, so for a few years things were great. eventually though i started feeling restless and....bored. not to drag this on too much, i'll just say that with time, i lost a lot of interest. i also beagn to realize that the career paths available to me at pratt were not too interesting. i didn't care for the politics of the place at all, so anything to do with management left me cold. as for the technical side, i guess there would have been some possibilities, but for some reason i didn't get too excited. so i kept doing what i knew how to do for 10 years, until i got pregnant with sena and the rest has pretty much been maternity leave. i have to say though, that i'm really touched and, to be honest, flattered that even with all the leaves of absence and maternity leaves i've been taking lately, they still wanted me back and were disappointed when i decided not to return.

it's hard to picture myself not as an engineer though. what will i say next time someone asks me what i do? "i'm staying home taking care of my kids"?...you know what kind of response that usually elicits (i know bc i used to think that stay-home mothers just didn't have anything better to do, so they settled for this mind-numbing existence). but as i wrote in previous blogs, after 3 years of mothering, i've found that staying home with the kids is a lot harder and a lot better (in many different ways) than people generally think.

so, as i drove my car this morning, sena and aiyana happy in the back seat, another gorgeous fall day that we get to enjoy hiking and doing whatever we want, i felt this wave of joy rise up inside of me. and i felt free. finally, i did it - this thing i've been thinking of for years, yet never had the courage to leap into before. it seems like the gorgeous weather today is perfect for celebrating. celebrating the fact that i am giving myself a chance to live differently. to explore new possibilities. i already have several ideas, things i want to do, most of which there is no space in my life for right now, but just thinking about them, having the freedom to chose what i do with my time, is exciting. what's most amazing though is the release that comes as i realize that i can just live each day on its own terms, without any agenda, any plans, or any great expectations. without anyone telling me what to do, where to be, etc. just me and my kids living one day at a time, as we have been for the past year. this feels so good to me right now.

i'm starting to appreciate and enjoy living with uncertainty. trusting that when and if the day comes that i'll want to do something other than taking care of my kids, things will work out and i'll find something. it's funny how these cliches are so true, and we don't really appreciate them until our own experience validates them.- like the fact that although my job provided a lot of security, at the same time it took over so much of my life that it left me very little freedom...

needless to say that everything i've said here so far would be irrelevant if ed weren't supportive of my decision to stay home. and if our lifestyle weren't allowing us to live on one salary. but fortunately, we live well and are more than happy with one income; as for ed, to say that he's supportive is an understatement. he's always encouraged me to follow and do that which is most meaningful to me, and i try to do the same with him, and fortunately this has not changed since we had kids.

peace

pics from a hike

went hiking a lot last week. so gorgeous...
tried to capture some of it in pics - feeble attempt of course, but here it is..

aiyana is 1

Aiyana turned 1 year old yesterday. What a beautiful day! Just like last year at this time. At around 4pm, the time when I gave birth, I found myself sitting under the apple tree where most of my labor took place, just being quiet and enjoying the wind, the sun, and everything around me. It was so nice to have this gorgeous weather and reminisce.

Looking back, I think that in many ways, the last year has been the hardest and the best year of my life. The hardest because life with two little ones can get that way. Lack of sleep, having to be available day and night, living on the brink of chaos much of the time - this and everything else got overwhelming at times (quite a lot of times).

It’s been the best year for several reasons, none of which fully describes how I feel.
First, I because I felt and still do that what I’m doing really matters and makes a difference. It’s very obvious that if I’m there for my kids, physically, emotionally, and everything else, we’re all much happier.

Second, during the course of the last year I’ve been present more than ever before. I find that the difficulties I experienced and described before have the flip side of forcing one to be present. I just couldn’t live on auto-pilot anymore. Life got too intense, requiring awareness and attention. In that sense I feel that I’ve lived much more in the last year than in previous years of my life.

I’ve noticed many things that have always been there but passed me by before. Like the seasons, for example. Living where I do and being outside everyday, I feel that I’ve really experienced winter, spring, summer and now fall. I’ve seen the trees change with each season, always beautiful. Seen birds make their nestss in the trees near my house in the spring, seen the chicks grow during the summer and now I’m seeing the empty nests they left behind. It’s really amazing, and all these observations have gone deeper than what I perceived with my eyes or what I tried to convey in words. They’ve become part of me, or rather I became part of them. I really feel that I am connected to all these changing things, the trees, the birds, the wind. I’m shifting with them.

I’m noticing for example how the cooler fall weather makes me feel so clear headesd. Or how the full and new moon affect me each month. I’m noticing how all this amazing fresh food I’ve had this past year affects me, and I am so thankful to the earth and the people growing the food.

Another nice thing I experienced over the past year is inspiration. Lots of inspiration. In my attempt to keep sane and somewhat calm, I’ve searched and grasped at anything that gave me a new perspective, that inspired me, that allowed me to expand my being and breathe easier. Two great sources of inspiration have been reading and music. Just a few lines of Rumi at the right time made a huge difference. Or Pema Chodron. Or Osho. And so many others.

My main source of inspiration however, came from people. People I’ve known for some time, and some that I met in the past year. Knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with chaos, hearing other people’s stories and experiences, seeing them as they are, has made me feel much more relaxed about my own situation, and has made me appreciate and love these people more. Just a few words at the right time, spoken with love and understanding, have saved me from feeling miserable and depressed many times, especially when aiyana was very young and I was dealing with lots of changes and exhaustion.

I am thinking for example, of my friend and midwife, kim, who told me in her gentle, caring way, that it’s ok if I don’t get to brush my teeth, and there‘s dirty laundry all over the house. She said - just take care of yourself and the baby, and some day you‘ll get to the rest.

Or my friend Sue, who’s give me these amazing one liners over the phone. At one point, when I felt particularly crazy, she said: just write down 3 things that you’re grateful for at this moment. I did that, posted it on my fridge, and felt better, my focus shifted in a positive direction.

Or my friend Jennifer, who’s one of those people who are so beautiful, in every way, that everything they touch also becomes beautiful. And I mean everything. When Jennifer cooks, the food looks beautiful, decorated w edible flowers and leaves. Whe she sings, her voice is eerie, penetrating, disturbing in its beauty. When she draws, I can’t stop staring at what she makes. Just one of those women that I feel truly blessed to have in my life. Totally inspiring, life-affirming, creative, crazy.

My mom has also been really supportive since Aiyana‘s birth. Several times, she came and spent 2-3 weeks at a time with us, helping me w the kids day and night, giving me a huge reprieve. I remember one day, when both sena and Aiyana had fallen asleep and my mom said - just go and do something for yourself. I drove to the general store, got a tea, and sat down on one of the wicker chairs outside, reading a book. I felt so amazing, savoring this time, just sitting there in the warm spring sunshine… people coming in the store were even commenting on how content I looked. When I got home, I gave my mom a big hug, and I meant it, knowing that this is the best way to thank her and show her how much I appreciated her help.

I’ve come to know and love all these people and many more, and this is the best thing that happened out of all the crazyness that has been my life over the last year.

So now that I sit here and write this, I am realizing that if I had to live my life the way I’ve been doing in the past year, that’d be ok. I’ve been cleaning a lot of pee off the floor, been woken up in the middle of the night a lot more than I’d like, been taking care of myself less than I’d like, been frustrated and overwhelmed a lot, been crying, been yelling more than I’d like, been doing nothing out of the ordinary with my life - and I love it. I really don’t want anything more than to continue to appreciate whatever little moments life brings me. I’m not looking for a perfect life (anymore) - and realizing that is…delicious.

peace

pictures

here are a few recent pictures of us and some little things that caught my eye on these beautiful fall days:

laptop

(written tue oct 2nd 2006 - posted sometime later...)

i got a laptop. i am so excited, because here i am now, being able to write anywhere, not having to make any special trips to the library, my sister's house, etc. actually, we only have wireless internet connection, so i'll still have to go somewhere if i want to access the net, but this is still a great improvement.

i feel a bit funny when someone asks why we got a laptop, and i say it's because i wanted to make it easier to write. when i say that, people automatically have expectations about my writing, and that makes me uneasy. it actually makes me so inhibited that i can't write anymore.
for me, writing is very personal. it's a great release. i can't say that i don't care what people think about my writing, because, obviously i do, otherwise i wouln't be sharing it. and yet, paradoxically, the more i focus on what others think, the less i want to do it.

it's hard to sum up why i like it so much..... i guess for me, writitng is about sharing myself. it's also about finding out what's in my heart. somehow, as i write, if i'm in the right frame of mind, not thinking about how this will sound or how it will be received, things come up that i did not expect and did not know were even there. so writing is a kind of cleansing, that always leaves me feeling lighter and happier.

writing is also about creating intimacy. the intimacy i experience in my dreams at night. all my life, i've had these dreams that are so hard to wake up from bc they're so beautiful. they're beautiful bc regardless of the scenario, the basic theme that runs through them is love. this is going to sound so flaky, but anyway...
in my dreams, i receive so much love, usually in the form of one person, and i also give back love, in a way that is much more open, natural, and free-flowing than i've ever experienced in real life. these dreams penetrate my whole being, and stay with me for days... they are usually so soothing that it takes me at least an hour to be able to get myself to a state where i can function again in the "real" world, in the awake mode.

i guess writing is a little like that, mostly because it allows me to share what's meaningful to me in a safe way.
i hope that if i write about my life honestly and openly, others may find it nice to read.

on to other things...
yesterday, i spoke to my boss from pratt. i am supposed to go back to (paid) work this month, and he wanted to have an update from me. i told him i would not be coming back. i felt bad doing this, like i was hurting him personnaly. cliff, my boss, is an amazing person, very easy going, very understanding. i like him a lot. i wish i could've been speaking to him about other things, something more fun, more cheerful. he gave me a week to think over my decision, till next monday...
i have so many conflicting feelings about this decision, so much anguish. a while ago, i summed it all up like this:

asking for guidance
(as i ponder / dread returning to work)

so how much do i sell myself for
this time?

is 30000 or so enough?
half-time, plus benefits,
and a retirement plan...

is that enough
for all those silent mornings
broken only by sleepy yawns of my children,
that i will have to miss?

enough to compensate
for the weariness that i know
will come to inhabit my soul?

is it enough
for all this freedom
that i have come to feel
and take for granted:
freedom to paint,
draw
sing
dance
cook
watch the sky
and just be as i am?

i picture myself back at work:
sitting at my computer
staring at it, empty-eyed...

walking to the bathroom
tired of so much sitting,
to find sterility,
women putting on makeup,
garbage can full of slightly-used paper towels,
it almost hurts to look at all the waste.

i picture the people i work with:
i like them,
they like me.
together, we are prisoners
of the system...

they have to pay their bills:
mortgages, car loans, college tuition...
some have to pay the doctors' bills.
nothing's free here.

some simply like their work.
they take it seriously

i like my colleagues,
but i don't see them radiant, and i am not inspired.
i am not myself.

will 30000 be enough
to cover the loss of Rumi?
loss of time, which will inevitably mean
loss of Rumi
and many other things
which help me get transported
into that most alive part of myself?

as i write this,
it seems so clear
just what i should do.
yet with that clarity,
old fears creep back:
fear of being judged,
of being labled,
of not having a "real job" again.
fear of being in need
helpless in old age, without......... retirement income?...

this prison is my own creation
(with your help -
we all help each other that way)
it's time to let it go.

awakening to new possibilities....
----------------

peace

molting

the theme at our last women's circle, which was amazing / inspiring / etc.etc., was molting. this came up unexpectedly, as so many nice things do.

shandra, my neighbour and the woman who held the circle, has a pet terantula who molted a few days before we met. she brought the molt to the circle and presented it to us as we began. the molt itself was really cool, and had she not told us what it was i would've thought it was the real spider.

this, of course, sparked a lot of conversation about Henry, the tarantula, about other arachnids, insects, animals, and so on and so on, as new topics kept spinning off...
eventually, we thought that it would be nice to tie molting back to ourselves:
what, in our lives, would we like to molt? and what, if anything, would we like to replace it with?

we all took a few minutes of silence and sat with these questions. each of us then spoke and shared her thoughts into the circle when we were ready. as each woman spoke, nobody interrupted. we'd just let her speak and listen, and then, when she was done, we took a few minutes to sit with what had been said.

i can't share what the other women shared in the circle. but i can share my input and my impressions.

as the other women sat and thought, i, who was holding aiyana, who was getting very restless, walked in circles around a great big tree near which we sat. as i walked, aiyana got calmer, and inward, it became clear to me that what i'd like to molt the most is fear and the need to control. these, to me, are closely related, and are two aspects i come across often in my dayly life.

molting these, i saw myself as more vulnerable and open, more comfortable with uncertainty. i had this mental immage of myself being right there, on the edge, and being ok with it. not planning or trying to control the next moment, or the rest of my life. but just being ok with the darkness, with the uncertainty, with "the edge".

it felt really great to share this into the circle. and it felt even more amazing to hear the other women share intimate wishes, fears, dreams, etc. as each of us spoke, i felt myself completely absorbed into this powerful, beautiful place we created. at one point i was so moved by the whole thing, i felt like i was going to explode if i could not express my joy at what whas going on. i felt that everyone there was so beautiful, so perfect, just as they were. i also felt that, as each woman spoke, different parts of myself spoke. it was very intense, very emotional, and really empowering to be part of this. and i felt a great big love running through me.

the intensity came down, of course, as soon as we broke the circle and got onto different topics. but some of that power is still with me, and if i think about it for long enough, it grows and grows. it makes me so happy that i can be with people and share our most intimate selves like this. i know now, that for me, this intimacy is essential. i cannot be happy or whole if i can't relate to people on this level.

what's also pretty amazing, is what happened in the days and weeks after the circle. this came as a total surprise. basically, my wish came true. when i spoke about molting fear and the need to control, it was like speaking a fantasy. i didn't even give it a thought as to when or if that could actually happen. but over the following days, as things came up in my daily life, things that would normally make me tighten, be stressed or just uncomfortable, i found myself just thinking "this is the edge".
what happened is not that my situation got better or was "solved" in any way; instead, my grip, my tightness, whatever that thing is that takes a hold of me at those uncomfortable moments, just eased up a little bit. it just loosened, and so i was able to live with the situation as it was, without reacting too much to it.

this happened over and over, as different scenarios came up during the day (one typical scenario: sena just peed on the floor, i'm trying to wipe it, aiyana is criying and trying to crawl through the pee, and the phone is ringing; etc).
at first i didn't notice things changing, but after a few days, it suddenly dawned on me that almost every time stressful things happen, this voice says to me "this is the edge" and then i instantly feel better, more free and relaxed.

i don't claim my wish coming true to be a miracle or anything weird. i just think that i was ready for it to happen. ready to let go a little bit more. ready to release some of the fears i've been living with. and i think it took a concrete event, actually verbalizing things, like i did in the circle, in order for things to start changing in a visible way.

(please don't take this too seriously).

peace

back to CT

my trip to montreal ended up being really nice. i got to rest a little bit once my dad came home and could help with child care (he was esp. helpful in going up and down the stairs watching aiyana's butt, and just generally keeping after her). so i got to rest, and i went to fairmount and got some bagels, and just had fun in traffic, watching people and smiling at them when they're giving me the finger.

the drive back yesterday was amazing. i was nervous that it was going to turn into a screaming fest, having both sena and aiyana with me, but things went really smoothly. we took a break in a beautiful spot in vermont, right before we hit white river junction. we had a little picnic on the grass, overlooking mountains with beautiful trees. we played chase and sang along with aiyana's favorite battery-operated book. it felt really nice to be out and breathe the cool air while the sun warmed our skin.

now we're back to our routine and it feels very nice and comforting. i'm feeling great, full of energy, looking fwd to the women's circle tonight and to the rest of the week.

peace

in montreal

so i made it to montreal. aiyana and i drove here yesterday, and the drive lived up to my highest hopes. aiyana was an angel in the car - no fussing at all.
for some reason, i expected the drive to be the hardest part of this trip, and i thought that once i'd get here it would be really relaxing. it turns out that the kids are a lot harder to look after here, which i should've known, cuz everything is so new for them and the house is not childproof (which i don't expect it to be). so between aiyana constantly going up and down the stairs with me right behind her, (or screaming in frustration if we don't let her), and all the potential accident sites i have to keep her away from, i find myself exhausted, more so than i've been in a while; even though my mom is trying her best to help. i think this is actually pretty tiring for her too...
so today, after not sleeping too well last night, we decided to go to NDG, to walk around the places i know from when i lived there. all in all we had a good time. my mom came and she helped a lot with the kids. we walked around, got croissants at the bakery, and eventually ended up in a park where sena and aiyana had fun playing. it was nice for me to be able to show sena the places that are close to my heart. the traffic, on the other hand, was not so nice. wow! i forgot how crazy it can get. but we made it without too much pain.

i'm glad to be here, esp since i also hope to see my good friends...but i have to say that i already miss the trees and just the general peaceful atmosphere i got used to where we live.

i feel that this is getting lame, so i'll have to stop here...

peace

sena in montreal

sena went up to montreal with my parents. they left this afternoon, and i am already feeling all...weird in my stomach, kind of hard to describe, but maybe you know what i mean. this is the furthest she's ever been away from me. but she was so excited at the idea of going, and she kept telling me not to worry, so we packed her stuff at the last minute and she went. my parents were here to visit my sister and her new baby Julia, and none of us had planned for sena to go back with them.

so i am looking fwd to an easier week, but at the same time now i have to deal with this weird feeling of being away from her. it's like, everything i love about her, which is everything, just stands out so much more when she's away. like how, for example, things were getting a bit intense the other day, aiyana was crying and sena was screaming, and then instead of losing it, i just turned on the radio, and they were playing some kind of techno/trance stuff, and i just started dancing and jumping and being really crazy with my arms up in the air and my hair flying all over the place. they just stood there, wide-eyed for a little while, as if trying to figure out what this was all about, and then they both started dancing and being all crazy too. and aiyana can't even walk yet, but she tries really hard, so she was just holding on to the stereo and bouncing up and down in place.

aiyana and i will be driving up to mtl to pick sena up on thursday, and we'll be there till sunday. so that's really exciting, i'm looking fwd to being back, to chocolate croissants and other good things.

peace

gray

very gray kind of day today...which makes me be very inward-oriented, which is nice. all these dreams and feelings coming up, sweeping me off, bluring the view... it's how it goes, not a bad feeling at all, as long as i can maintain equilibrium.

thinking a lot about montreal these days, and the people i feel close to. very strong feelings coming up, missing some things really badly. very tender spot in my heart, all to do with my life in montreal. but the kids help to keep me balanced, and somewhat focused.

hope to write more soon...

lots of love

baby Julia

my sister and Ricardo had their baby on wednesday. i am really excited and amazed, as if this is the first time i wintness this.
my sister ended up having a home birth, which was a big surprise for everyone, except for them of course. things went really well, and when i came to see them on wed afternoon, the atmosphere was one of relaxed, peaceful serenity. very beautiful and touching.

here's a link to their blog, where you can find some pics.
http://ricardoroxana.blogspot.com/

peace

silly

"though the lamp has been light,
the blind wonder in the dark"

or something like that. that's from Saraha, but Rumi has said something very similar, as i am shure have many others.

speaking of Rumi, my friend Marcia called the other day to invite me to an exclusive event with Coleman Barks, who's probably the most well-known translator of Rumi. so of course, i was over the top with excitement. sena and aiyana were in the car as Marcia called, and they were getting fussy, so i could not speak to her for long, just long enough to tell her how much this meant to me.

so anyway, rushing outside, in the car, things are pretty tense, i'm about to back up from the spot i'm in, which is on the grass under a tree. i have to keep my eyes out for the chickens, which are walking all around the car, don't want to run them over, not to mention all the other things thrown around randomly on the grass (chair, blanket, diapers, trycicle,etc.). so i'm watching carefuly for all these things as i'm backing out (slowly), when suddenly a big slam. the car stalls. i just hit a tree. a really big, can't miss it, kind of tree. so big that i wasn't even paying attention to it. i got out and looked at the trunk - pretty big dent, get back in the car, and sena says "mama, let's not do that again". pretty hard not to laugh at that, although i was still bummed about the trunk. it will have to be replaced. oh well...
so if you've done anything stupid lately, don't feel bad, just think of me and you're bound to feel better.

ed put some of those orange cones that they use when they do road construction all over our yard now, one on top of the chicken coup and some near each tree. it's pretty funny....


peace

circle

is this weather not amazing? i have been feeling SO good, so clear headed, so full of energy. wow, talk about being connected to our surroundings - it's obvious to me that the weather affects me a great deal.

we had our 3rd women's circle last monday. held it at my place under the apple tree under which aiyana was almost born. the weather was perfect for the occasion. the circle is a very intimate setting - a lot of emotions and energy come out. it's a safe space, where we feel that we can share anything. the wind that evening was strong, and it felt like everything we said, everything that was coming out, was being taken away, released into the wind and in that way, shared with all.

lap babies are allowed into the circle, so aiyana and three other babies were there with their mothers. babies can be distracting (esp. to their mothers), but i think that overall it's great to have them in the circle. their energy is so nice. aiyana was really funny last time. we were chanting "OM" and she sat there just like a little Buddha, perfect posture and eyes open, and chanted OM over and over with us. it lasted several minutes and she just did it with us, and as soon as we stopped she resumed playing.

i thought i'd share 2 pieces which i wrote a while ago and read in the circle:

PRAYER

Universal Consciousness -
please let my heart be open
to all that Life may bring.

allow me to surrender
to Life and uncertainty,
instead of trying to control.

brush away fear and frustration.
instead,
allow me peace and love.

let me be aware
wherever i am,
whatever i may be doing.

let me feel connected,
interdependent.

let me be tender, soft, compassionate,
vulnerable and open
to all that is.

let me be a vessel, a conduit
of healing, comfort, love, truth.

let your beauty, grace
and endless Love
stream through me
unimpeded -
like water running down a mountain.

------------------------------------------------------

POWER

i'm talking about
a different kind of power

a suddle, understated
all pervading power
that i can feel
when i am cooking -
cutting onions,
peeling garlic,
washing carrots

that i can feel
when i am washing
sun-bleached,
wind-swept laundry,
over and over again

the power that i felt at birth,
connected to women
present and past

the power that
lets me walk my baby,
soothing her to sleep
when i myself am exhausted

i'm talking about the kind of power
that women have kept a secret forever

the kind of power
that's gentle and strong
as it sustains the life
of every man, woman and child

the kind of power
that is so humble -
nobody talks about it
no one brags about it -
they don't need to

the kind of power that
allows me to soothe and comfort
despite my own weariness

the kind of power that
cannot be bought or taught
it must be had through experience -
over and over,
hour after hour,
day after day.

the kind of power that makes me
want nothing else

a power that's
not me,
yet runs through me

a power that
does not need to dominate
to manifest

i'm talking about
the kind of power
that's subdued and yielding
tather than oppressive or aggresseve

the kind of power
that doesn't call itself that.
----------------------------------------------------

peace

hypocrite

i'm in a funky mood right now.
i wanted to write about our four hens (Zugi, Denis, and two others yet to be named by sena), that we just got last week, and about how nice they are, and what a good time we're having with them.

wanted to write about (coincidentaly) getting this great big craving for chicken wings last friday, and going out to have some all by myself; about not really enjoying the taste, alhtough i did feel better (less light-headed) after having them.

wanted to write about how it is to feel like a hypocrite - here i am having chicken wings yet i'd never consider killing them myself. i just don't like taking a life. but i still sneak out for chicken wings sometimes. hmm... just another dilemma i'm working with. if i were starving and had no other options, i would problably kill to eat. but this is nowhere near my current situation. i have plenty of other options, and i can't kill something to eat it, so why is it ok for me to eat it as long as someone else kills it, as long as it comes in a frozen pack from the supermarket, unrecognizable?

hopefuly my kids won't have the meat craving and won't have this hypocrisy to deal with.

but what's really on my mind right now is human death. in particular, death in an institutional setting. such as in a hospital. ed told me aboutt this guy at work -his 14 yr old daughter just died last saturday. she had cancer since last january and died in the hospital. her family was with her at the time, and they were singing, and then at one point she just stopped singing and died. so, in a way, i'd like to think that maybe she felt comfortable enough, singing with her family, to let herself go. maybe her spirit felt this was a good time to leave. i guess if it had to happen, this was, in a way, a beautiful way for it to happen.

after her death, the parents tried to take her home, as it is done traditionally in the part of India where they're from. but the hospital gave them a hard time, and would only allow a funeral home to take her. can you imagine, having to deal with that when your daughter just died?

and even going beyond this family's situation, i was thinking how, although i realize that hospitals have lots of advantages and can help lots of people, i just don't think that they're the right settings for life transitions as important as birth or death. not for me, anyway.

i would definitely not want to die in a hospital, and i made sure ed knows that. i would much rather die at home, or outside, in a place i'm comfortable with. i think that death is much too personal, too spiritual, too humbling, too enormous to be enclosed in an institution. i think it has the potential to transform those it touches, and that sacred, liminal space it creates just cannot be sustained in a hospital setting.

especially here, in the US, hospitals are for-profit business. they advertise their services on huge billboards on the highway. their patients are their clients. so, i don't know how much room that leaves for the kind of environment that i would like to have if i were on my death bed. i certainly would not want to be propped in front of a TV with all kinds of monitors attached to me.

but these are just thoughts, and so are not worth much. people's experiences are, i'm sure, different. i don't wish death to anyone, but knowing that it happens, i hope everyone can have a peaceful, gentle death, whichever environment they're in.

peace

at the beach

sena, aiyana and i are at the beach in Rhode Island. we're visiting Ed's mom, and sleeping here tonight.
it's hot, hot, hot. but ed's parents have a little pool on the deck and we're splashing and keeping cool that way. i remember when my grandmother used to put a large bucket of water out on the balcony of our 7th floor apartment in romania. my sister and i had so much fun just splashing in there. my grandma was not afraid to get down on the floor with us, get dirty or wet or whatever. and we had so much fun with her. she really had a way to be right there with us as opposed to being "the adult". she serves as a good model for me right now.

everyone's napping now, but when they get up, we'll head to the beach for a late afternoon bath. i used to love the beach-going-scene, with the crowds, the loud music, the showing off. but now i find myself avoiding those things. i actually prefer quiet fun. i still like to play in the water, roll in the sand, jump in the waves. but i'm not so much into the other things. i prefer to sit and listen to the waves or look for shells, stuff like that. so we'll see how this goes, hopefuly if we go late we will miss the crowds.

i am really excited about my friend Taryn. she and her husband took 3 months off from work and are heading for a tour of the US in their RV. they'll be going to some national parks, so they're curently training for hiking, etc. i know that Taryn was really devoted to work, and i'm sure that she still is, but i am just happy that she braved the system and asked for a leave of absence. this is not commonly done at Pratt. so, great for them, i wish them great adventures, whichever form they may come in.

peace to everyone

drumming

my friend Richard brought me a drum. i love it. i've been feeling very inspired these days, bubbling with things wanting to come out and concretize in one form or another.
drumming is one thing that came up. i've never drummed before, and i have no musical skill to speak of. but i love the drum anyway, and i try different things on it. i especially love being outside with the kids, and playing with it. usually they join in, and we're all drumming. it's a beautiful african drum, with jungle animal designs on the side.
ed also likes it - when thing get crazy, late in the evening, and the kids are fussy and whiney, he starts drumming and they usually come down.

some more things i wrote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he said:
"you know,
every hero needs
a dragon to slay"

so now, i am
just happy
to be a Nobody.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Filter

You and I,
we filter.
that's what we do,
we look around,
and we take out
of our experience
that which suits our mindset.

and so we create
our Reality,
on the outside
matching quite well
the reality inside.

we say:
"i knew it would be this way"
or
"i told you"
or
"this always happens to me"
and so on,
without realizing
that we've filtered
out of limitless,
infinite reality,
that which suits us.

what can i say?
throw away the filter?
not that easy...
yet,
what do you have to lose?
be crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
My ego and I

I say:
Ego, won't you please
give me a break,
leave me alone?

we fight so much
my ego and i
and she always wins

sometimes,
when i'm too tired
to fight, or think, or care
ego and i sit down for tea
and then she slips away unnoticed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

here's something I wrote, inspired by my experience of walking in a labyrinth that my friend Jennifer showed me:

I walk slowly
the labyrinth of my life.
sometimes mindful, aware of each step -
most times mindless,
fearful, uncertain,
focused on the next turn -
where will it take me?

sometimes my path
comes together with yours,
and for a brief period
we walk together -
we fall in love
and we find friendship.
we intersect.

and just as we think
"this is it",
we move on-
our paths separate
each taking its inevitable turns.
inevitable, i mean,
given who you are
and who i am,
and our circumstances.

yet we may meet again -
to hope for this is crazy
to not hope for this is crazy.

the labyrinth ends
in the center-
always in the center.
it's where we all start from
and where we all return.

the center is that place
we sense intuitively
all our lives,
walking around in circuambulatory motion.

the center is stillness,
is Life
is Death.
the center is undefinable and infinite.
I will see you there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

peace