Self sown

Where the old structure used to stand

Wildflowers now grow wild Self sown Among the ruins

Be a reason

If you're looking for purpose, 

Know that the simplest and most achievable things 

Are also the most powerful: 

Be a reason why someone feels seen,

Understood,

Why they feel free to laugh,

Forgiven.

Be a reason why they feel 

A part and not apart 

Be a reason why someone believes

That good and loveliness survive

Peace

The name before the name

And if I say my name 

You wouldn't know me 

But if, somehow,

I could convey 

The name I had

Before the name 

You'd know we have been kindred 

All along 

Peace 

Background exuberance

And yet the exuberance

Backdrop to these tears -

Sun shining though the rain

-rm

Did you see the how the sun was shining through last evening's rain? Be still and know that behind your heartbreak, behind your fears and your tears, there is also a sun shining: the exuberance of life expressing itself through YOU. Can you feel it?

What's been going on

I thought I'd write a post today about what's been going on this summer and some changes that are coming.

Our farming season has been one of the best in years. We went from 2 restaurant/food coop accounts to 5, and the sales here at the farm have also increased significantly. Luckily, we have our amazing worker, Dan, who's been doing all the field work, while I have been doing deliveries twice a week (up from once a week in past years), and taking care of the sales side of the business.

I've also been milking once or twice a week, and making cheese sometimes, but not as much as I used to because I'm trying to get some rest.

As of next week, my farm contribution will decrease dramatically. I am starting my school job on Monday, continuing as instructional assistant in the Science department at EO Smith High School. In September, I also start my teacher certification course, so I can become fully certified by the Dept. of Education to teach Physics. This will be once a week, every Saturday, from Sept to Feb, and then more intensive after that.

My routine will be very different starting next week, and I am trying to enjoy this last week at home as much as possible. I've been spending most of my days outside with my plants and animals, some of which you can see in the pictures below. I'm very grateful that I was able to be here with Sena and Aiyana every day since March. Honestly, I am not sick of being home, but that is because we are so lucky to be able to have access to the outdoors any time we want and in a safe way.

I was able to review almost all of AP Physics this summer, so I'm feeling in good shape for teaching next year, at least content wise. I'm really loving the fact that somehow (certainly this was not a long term plan) I came back to Physics. I feel that it's really my thing. I've always felt this way, but after University, I barely got the chance to use what I learned. I mean, Engineering, of course is grounded in Physics, but in my job at Pratt, I mostly did the same thing over and over, and I never really got to explore the fundamental concepts and ideas that excite me so much right now. Anyway, I'm glad to be back in it now, and hopefully I'll be able to channel my excitement into becoming a good teacher and helping kids understand and develop a passion for it too.

One of my favorite things I did this summer was to listen to Richard Feynman's lectures and interviews on YouTube. I really like him and think he is a phenomenal teacher. All his lectures from Caltech are available in print, and I plan to get them soon.

One day, my sister came over, and I told her that I felt kind of guilty for watching Physics videos when I should be doing farm work. She laughed and said that I'm the only person she knows that feels guilty for binging on Physics videos, so after that I stopped feeling guilty about it.

As for the rest of the family, Ed has been back at work for a while now, and the girls are starting school soon. Sena is taking 5 classes at UConn, 2 of which are in person and the rest online. Aiyana will be starting 10th grade remote. She had the choice to go fully remote, or two days per week in person, and she decided to go with fully remote, which worked great for her last spring.

Our animals are all doing well. We had 2 new calves this summer, a bull and a heifer, and they are super cute playing with each other.

That's about it for now. I hope that you are all staying healthy, and I wish you well.

Peace

Sena and Aiyana

 Looks like they had some fun taking pictures in the field...

Happy 50th anniversary to my parents

Today is my parents' 50th anniversary. I'm not going to write something syrupy about how much they love each other and how they have this perfect relationship, because they don't. And because it makes me feel slightly sick when I see things like that on social media, and then, often find out that the reality of the couple in question is far from what's being portrayed. It doesn't help anyone to portray things that aren't true. 

My parents have been through a lot together and separately. They stood together on some things, and stood far apart on others. They helped each other through some things and were not able to on others. Their story is complex, with many layers and happy and sad moments sprinkled through like salt and pepper.

This date is important to me. It marks the beginning of a life shared between my parents, without which my sister and I and our families would not be here. I am grateful to both of them for doing their best for us always, throughout our lives, and through our moves from Romania to Canada and the US.

I hope my parents have a nice day today, and I hope they find some peace and contentment in reflecting on this date and what it means to all of us.

Peace

Bumblebee

This little friend loves my garden, and in particular Aiyana's Dhalias!

https://youtu.be/XmSHTc-aG98

"I am" practice

Tough always dying,

I’m always being born - I am the laws of nature This ground of being Continuous with all that is ~~~ I wanted to share a simple meditation I’ve been doing lately. I call it “I am practice”: When I see a bumble bee, a bird, a flower, another person, the wind, the sun, whatever wonders through my field of observation, I just notice it, and say “I am”. That’s it. That’s the practice.

“I am” is such a basic statement, and we use it so much, that we forget about it and hardly ever question it. Yet, for most of us, this “I am” is based on what we’ve been taught by convention, and the labels we’ve received or have made up for ourselves.

This “I am” has a societal value, of course, and in that sense it is a useful construct. But to me, it also makes sense to identify the “I am” with the more fundamental laws of nature, that I know are critical to my existence, and everything else they give rise to. It is this other "I am" that I practice.

I don't think of this as something esoteric, but rather, quite pragmatic. Considering the fundamental laws of nature, what we understand from physics and the other sciences, or simply what we know from our own observations, (for example how energy moves through the universe connecting everything), it makes sense that these things are somehow integral to the “I am”.

But in the end, let’s not get all tangled up in our minds. All I can say is, if this speaks to you, try practicing this “I am”, and see what happens.

Peace

Illuminated

That wound ran through him

Just like a flare in the night

A flare that one day

Helped him find a way

She speaks

She speaks in flowers

In flash of insight

And in the whispers

That drown the heart

Peace

My blog is 15 years old

As of August 9th. It just dawned on me to check today.

I hope you enjoyed it so far. I very much enjoyed writing and sharing.

Peace 

Welcoming "The Change"

 

I went through my teenage years and transitioned into menstruation without much information or awareness. I did not understand at the time that I was entering what could be either a powerful and beautiful phase in a woman’s life (though one rarely lived that way), or one of carefully orchestrated, centuries-old domination, now so ingrained that we hardly even notice it.

All I felt at the time was embarrassment and annoyance at having to deal with cramps, bleeding, not being able to go swimming, etc.

Everywhere around me, advertisements and cultural norms were relentlessly teaching  me to be ashamed of my fertility, and trying to sell me products to better hide it. Yet, these same cultural norms, blatantly exploiting women’s fertility, were teaching me that I was a sexual object, that that should be my highest aspiration and achievement, and that my main role was to serve in that capacity.

My sexuality, as that of most young women (and men) was deliberately exploited for profit. We were told what we should look like, act like, aspire to, and what we had to buy in order to be deemed attractive and thus valuable. And I, like many others, accepted it. I devoted much energy, time and money making myself adhere to standards of beauty and sexiness which were what I was told I should aspire to as a woman.

Looking back on this period, I appreciate so much the lessons that I’ve learned, and I plan to use these lessons now that I am at the threshold of another major life transition: menopause.

The reason I decided to write this is because I am sick of seeing menopause mentioned, if at all, only in negative terms, at best medicalised terms, like it’s this horrible and embarrassing thing that’s going to happen to us.

Take a moment and notice what your reaction is to the word menopause. If you have any females in your life, whether your mother, daughter, wife, sister, friend, coworker, this is a massive life change for them. And thus, possibly, for you. But we don’t talk about it, because for most of us women, the word menopause brings dread, shame and embarrassment. I’m not even sure what it brings up for men. Most men I know, don’t talk about it, and if they do, it is to explain what’s wrong with a woman.

Menopause is not something to be mentioned in your typical company. Many women feel a desperate loss associated with menopause: loss of fertility, attractiveness, youthfulness. Loss of all those things that we were taught made us valuable. Without these things, who will we be? What will be left for us to make us feel worthy?

If you do a search on menopause on the internet, the first things that come up are symptoms and treatments. Menopause, as many other powerful life changes, has been medicalised. If we talk about it at all in a conventional public forum, it is as something to be “treated”, a medical problem. That in itself brings a load of shame and dread with it. We are clearly told that something is wrong with us. We are left with the sense that we don’t really want to talk about it, that it’s unfortunate and depressing, and instead, let’s focus on whatever the latest anti-aging product is out there, maybe we can buy a few more years of making it look like we’re still young and sexy.

Well, this time, I don’t buy into it. I can honestly say that I am looking forward to menopause. I see it as a time of freedom and clarity and fun! Yes, definitely fun!

I expect it to be a powerful transformation in a positive direction. I know that I will probably not love all the physical changes; but that’s okay, because I can feel that what I am transitioning into is knowing myself better, being kinder to and honoring myself and my imperfections, cutting the bullshit, and not putting up with certain things anymore. Transitioning into honoring the limited energy I have and the lessons I’ve learnt, and putting them to use to serve in a way that is meaningful to me, as opposed to following preset standards and doing what I’m told I should be doing. There are no preset standards for being an empowered menopausal woman. So we have to create them.

I will not miss being seen and treated as a sexual object, even though, no doubt, I did get some benefits out of these things, and even enjoyed them in some ways. I enjoyed being attractive and desirable, though I did not enjoy the aggressiveness, coercion and manipulation that came along with it in many instances.

But it is now time to enter a new stage, and this time, as opposed to when I was a teenager, I am ready: I am entering with awareness and excitement. I welcome this change, and I am ready to consciously move into it, and live it, and make the best of its gifts.

~~~~

Gratitude to my daughter, Sena, for inspiring me and encouraging me to enter this new phase with confidence!

Anything can be used

It's not the particular circumstances of your life,

But the interior landscape they give rise to That matters Anything can be used To tend your inner garden And make it bloom

~~~

Early on in our lives, many of us are subject to the whim of circumstance. Naive and inexperienced, we are often unconsciously shaped by what is handed down to us and what happens to us. But as we mature, more and more, through experience and awareness, we begin to be able to tend to our own inner garden. In that sense, even though circumstance is still often out of our control, we realize that our inner landscape is in many ways up to us.

With practice and kindness, we gradually become able to use anything and everything that happens in our lives to tend to our inner garden. In that way, our state of being can become a sanctuary for ourselves and others.

Peace

A beggar at your door

I study and I practice

So I can know your ways

For I adore you

Your physics and your chemistry

Your music and your poetry

Whichever way I can come in

I am a beggar at your door

Let me come closer

Peace

Peace

But if the only way this love can live inside me Is as a wound, I'll let it - I don't need to be healed. -rm In the fullness of love there is always a rawness and a tenderness inside us, like a wound that's permanently open. That kind of wound doesn't come from our personal ego, but from our sensitivity to the beauty and suffering of the world. Although we might feel like it's too much to bear, it needs to stay open in order for us to continue to be fully receptive to life.

That kind of wound is also what hurts so much today, remembering Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Peace to all, and may we find better ways to live together and to appreciate the beauty that is all around us.

The pure white light of your being

In the pure light of your being, Let me be a drop, Reflecting, infinitesimally, your radiance.

Nobody can fully behold truth, beauty, love - these things we live and die for. Nobody can behold the full majesty of the Great Spirit / Great Mystery / Life / Nature / God - whatever you want to call that pure white light of being. But we can embody aspects of it in our lives, in a very personal and intimate way, a "down to earth" kind of way, and that is enough. (I was inspired to write this by the idea of prisms and rainbows and refraction in physics. A prism is an object that, through its properties, breaks down pure white light into its constituent colors, the colors of the rainbow, each corresponding to different wavelengths of light).

Peace

Poetry in the garden

I wanted to share a little poem from my little garden with you on this beautiful August morning, in hope that it may bring you light and peace. I hope you enjoy it.

I love my garden so much, and I want to share it somehow. I feel like we all need more beauty in our lives right now, and this is something I have to offer. And, though I feel self conscious about my reading, I thought it would be a nice combination: Poetry in the garden. What do you think?

The poem is called "Stand in your power", and it is from my book Out of the silence.

https://youtu.be/6c6yGVoirqk

Healing starts with the willingness to hear and be heard

I think that one of the most important moral obligations we have right now is to try to heal the terrible divides that have grown between us on so many levels: politically, socially, culturally, personally. Or, at the very least, try not to deepen the chasm.

How can we do this?

First, by refraining from blaming, shaming, calling each other names, etc.

Second, by listening to each other. We’ve all had experiences in our lives that have led us to certain conclusions and beliefs. We can disagree with someone’s conclusions and their ensuing beliefs, but there is no agreement or disagreement as to their experience. Their experience is what it is. It does not need to be agreed or disagreed with. It just needs to be heard.

By listening to each other and allowing each other to share our experiences, we can all start to heal. By simply condemning each other’s beliefs without taking the time to understand how we got there, we are just deepening the divides and we create suffering for everyone.

Healing starts with the willingness to hear and be heard.

We are all stressed by current events. Our children are stressed and scared. So I ask all of us who are able to, to do what we can to be a force for peace and understanding, as opposed to being a force for further division. This is a beautiful way to live, and it is its own reward.

Peace

The multiplicity of one

The multiplicity of one: YOU are the one that's searching, The search, And what is being searched for

For my fellow searchers.

Keep on and trust that there is reconciliation in contradiction.

Peace