When I was about 7 years old, one of my grandmothers accused
me of wanting attention. Though I denied it then, looking back on it now, that
is truly what I wanted: loving attention. But
somehow, at the time, it felt shameful to admit it, and it felt wrong. So denied
it then, and I’ve been denying it ever since.
Now, I know that to want that kind of love from her was not
wrong, and it wasn’t shameful. I also know that my grandmother was coming from
a place of hardship and her own suffering when she said that to me. In her way,
she suffered just as much as I did, by not being able to give that kind of love
to her granddaughter.
Now that I can see clearly, I do what I can to give the 7
year old inside of me the loving attention that she wanted back then, though it
is very hard. The patterns and the voices in our minds are set and they’re not
easily changed. And I do my very best to offer it to others in my life, knowing
that it’s the most precious gift I can offer.
Peace
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