a memory

i was making cheese and listening to U2, and the music brought back a memory from nearly 30 years ago.

there was this night club in montreal that i used to go to with my friend, and it was really hard to get into. you had to wear the right clothes, and you had to look a certain way. i tried very hard to meet the standard. often, my friend and i would stand outside waiting in line for an hour or two, and the bouncer would just pick someone from the crowd to let in, regardless of where they were in line. sometimes it would be someone who'd just pulled up to the curb in a shiny red car. the friend i went with usually got in quickly, but i didn't. sometimes, after she got in, she'd convince the bouncer to let me in too.

thinking about this in the past would sting, or make me angry. but, for some reason, tonight it made me smile. it was almost like a pleasant memory, but pleasant is not the right word.

if i could speak to myself back then, i'd say don't worry about it, because i did worry about it.

but tonight, when this memory popped into my head, i realized that i'm grateful for the experience; because, although it made me more insecure at the time, in the long term it contributed to cementing a sort of fundamental sense of dignity that i now can turn to.

it really does take heartbreak sometimes to show you what you want and do not want, and sometimes heartbreak will save you from following a dead end road for too long of a time.

peace