on marriage

everyone knows marriage is not easy.
i will give an example of why not. i think it will help me deal better and maybe it will be helpful to others too in recognizing that we're not alone. nobody really wants to talk much about the nitty-gritty, details of marriage. this is one of those details.

ed is very organized. i am not. he likes things to make sense and be orderly. he likes things to be put away where they came from. he likes the right lid to go on the right pot. this characteristic is in great part responsible for the success of our farm, and for the fact that everyone appreciates ed's work. when he does something he does it well. also, this characteristic, combined with my opposite, causes a real problem between us at times.

i am more of a hodgepodge kind of person. organization is not one of my strengths. i work with whatever i have and if i don't have the right lid for the right pot, i can use the wrong lid as long as it sort of fits, and i can make whatever i'm making in the pot. in general, i'll make do with what i have, it doesn't have to be perfect, or even near perfect, as long as it works. for example, everyone was horrified when i went to get new glasses recently, and they asked to see my old pair, and i pulled it out. it was the very first pair glasses i've ever had, since i was 22 years old, all bent and somewhat scratched, totally out of style, but they worked, so i never felt the need to change them. for some reason, this generated great interest at the eye doctor, and they passed my glasses around the office in disbelief.
the most notable exception to this hodgepodge characteristic is when i work with my plants out in the field, where i am the complete opposite.

as i was saying, ed's organization skills have served him and all of us well, the only problem being that he is never really fully satisfied. or not for very long. he has a hard time putting up with messiness or disorganization of any kind, or any kind of uncertainty. and let's face it, life is messy. for me, to be content and work with any situation comes much easier. not that i'm saying i'm right and he's wrong, you know...

anyway, the pot with a wrong lid became a problem this morning. i was making my coffee (i drink turkish coffee since my french press broke. i can adapt. now i use a pot), and ed saw that once again, i had the wrong lid on, and got cranky with me and gave me a mini lecture, because when you have the wrong lid stuff drips on the stove and messes it up and causes a fire hazard. and cleaning the stove is not one of my strengths either. me, i just wanted to make my coffee in any pot. i don't care what pot, or what lid, i just care about the coffee.
anyway, we had a short, tense exchange, and then silence. i felt like i will never be good enough for him, i've tried, but it's never enough. and you know what? i really don't want to be good enough any more. this rebellious part of me suddenly felt that i've tried long enough and hard enough, and still he's not satisfied, so from now on i'll use whatever damn lid i want. the first lid i can get my hands on.

after having my coffee in silence, i went outside to milk the cow. ed came to help, which i knew was an indirect apology. eventually he apologized with words too, not for the lid directly, but for being snappy. he hadn't had breakfast yet. that should be a rule, that we don't talk about anything before breakfast, and definitely not before my morning coffee. it's not like he said that from now on he won't care about the lid anymore, or about any of the other stuff that's not put away right, and so on. that will not change. and neither will the fact that organization is not my strength. so, somehow we got to learn to live with this difference. and many others. which at times, seem insurmountable. and at times, we just sort of forget about, or see the positive side of. i do sometimes appreciate that he likes his stuff organized, and he does sometimes appreciate that i can be heppy with whatever. and othertimes it drives us crazy.
that's how marriage is.

peace