inside

i always feel so internally focused at this time of year! i noticed that it keeps coming back, this feeling, year after year in january. it's kind of cool, because maybe i'm getting more connected to the seasons, and the greater cycles; but it's always a bit scary too. it's hard to describe, just this feeling of wanting to sink way way inside of myself, wanting to let go of everything that happened before, of everything that i wish to happen in the future, and just rest in this sheltered place inside of myself. i picture myself like an animal hibernating deep underground. it' scary because i don't feel motivated to do anything. not a depressed kind of feeling, but more like just wanting to sit wrapped up in my shawl in front of the fire, by myself, in silence. i find that i always have to go through this before i can start dreaming and making plans for the future again. it's partly about clearing the old year, the old stuff out and making space for what is yet to come.

it's hard to be in this state, however, with a family that has their own rythms and needs, and a life that includes more than myself. i'm grateful for all that is in my life, i really am, but yet i realize that this unstructured time i'm speaking of is also important and hard to come by. fortunately, today ed and the girls went to the pequot museum in RI, and i did get my time. i sat by the stove, covered in my shawl, with my books and journal. i mostly stared at the fire and let myself just be. of course all kinds of thoughts kept coming, as far as what needs to be done, in the field, in the house, etc., but i didn't get too hung up on them. i felt a lot like crying, which was good. when i finally got up to make myself some lunch, i noticed that the sun had come out and was streaming through the windows. that felt very hopeful.

i tried to think a little about my life and what i want. this year i'm turning 40, and people are reminding me that it's a big one. i could not come up with anything i want. i am blessed, and i am grateful. my external circumstances leave nothing to be desired. i love my family, we have a good relationship, and i love the land and our farming. these are the things that feel my everyday existance. any troubles i have come from my internal state and responses. from anxiety built up over things that need to get done, or taken care of, etc. it's just a matter of learning to deal with life in a more constructive way. like doing one thing as a time, which i mentioned before. sounds easy, but takes a lifetime.

back to my birthday, my good friend suggested having a bash. but i can't get into it. when i think about it honestly, i just want something really simple and authentic. i think i'd really like to go and sit by the ocean, at the spot we found last summer in RI. that would be lovely.
peace