i lost the baby

The past two weeks seem so unreal! So many things have happened that I am having a hard time processing it all, and I find myself feeling mostly numb.

To begin with, my sister had a miscarriage. This was very difficult for her, Ricardo and Julia, but also for the rest of us who were excited about her pregnancy.Then, Sena, Aiyana and I got sick with a nasty virus, and just could not get rid of it. We all had bad coughs, fevers and lots of congestion; the worst thing for me is that in between feeling miserable myself, and taking care of the kids at night, I got very little sleep; the less I slept the worse things got, and I felt like I just could not keep up; i felt like it was all too much for my body, but didn’t know what to do about it. One night I had a two hour coughing fit, that left me totally drained.

Then, on Friday night, I started bleeding. I just could not believe it at first, but it was very clear. I broke down and sobbed, and then, after speaking to my midwife, tried to rest and take it as easy as possible. Ed brought the kids to his parents’ house in Rhode Island, where they ended up spending the next 3 nights. That night I slept a little better, although I still woke up a lot with cough and congestion. I was also feverish from the flu. I had no more bleeding during the night, which I took as a good sign. However, by morning time, it was clear that I was having contractions. The contractions kept getting stronger and closer together, just like during birth. I knew that this was a bad sign. Eventually the contractions got so strong, I couldn’t talk anymore, and had to focus all my attention on them. Eventually, I felt my water break, and sure enough, it came gushing out of me.

I knew now for sure that I was miscarrying. I went to the bathroom, and started bleeding a lot. I got in the tub, hoping that the hot water would make the contractions easier to bear. Being there relaxed me and helped a lot with the contractions, but blood and bloodclots kept coming out, and soon enough I told Ed that I was going to pass out, which I did. Ed is amazing in high pressure situations, and he dealt with this really well, although I know that he was scared himself, and did not like what was happening at all. He called my neighbor Shandra, and together they got me out of the tub and onto the bed. I felt much better out of the hot water and lying down. My contractions subsided a lot, and I felt good just resting on the bed.

I knew that we’d have to go to the hospital, because I needed a rhogamm shot, and after resting a while, I told Ed that we should just go and get it over with. We were only supposed to get the shot, and then I wanted to come back home and let my body do what it needed to. But it didn’t end up that way. When we got to the hospital, it turned out that the only place I could get the rhogamm was in the emergency room. Once I got to emergency, they wouldn’t just give me the shot. They wanted to do blood tests, ultrasound, the whole thing. When they took blood for the bloodtest, I passed out again. By now, my contractions had picked up and were strong again. I kept going to the bathroom every half hour or so, and passing fist-sized blood clots. Every time a blood clot came out, it made me feel really faint again. I tried to catch everything that came out, because I really wanted to see the baby, but somehow I still missed it. I was told that the baby was only 1.5in long, so I guess easy to miss…

I had 3 ultrasonds done – the doctor wanted to see whether the baby was still inside me. They didn’t see anything, just more blood clots. In btw the 2nd, and 3rd ultrasound, I had to go to the bathroom, and another big bloodclot came out. Ed was right there, and I told him I felt bad again, and soon I passed out right there on the toilet. Even though we were in emergency, there was nobody else around, and he had to call for help twice. Eventually people showed up, and got me on a stretcher. My blood pressure was pretty low at this time, 83 over 55. They gave me IV fluids, and we agreed to have a DNC. After passing out this 3rd time, I felt really weak, and I was scared. I just didn’t know what was going to happen, and I hated the feeling of losing consciousness. I also felt like it could easily happen again and I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel that it was safe for me and Ed to go home alone, so I agreed to have the DNC, although I also had a lot of misgivings about having surgery and general anesthesia, especially after I had been through so much already.

While I was having IV fluids put into me and waiting for the DNC, my sister came by to bring us a cell phone and food for Ed. It was really good to see her. I felt very emotional and scared, and I wanted to have people who love me close to me. I really missed Sena and Aiyana, and asked Ed to call them and make sure they were ok at his parents. I think I was panicking, because I felt so out of control. Eventually I went into the operating room, and had the DNC. Everything went well, and when I woke from the anesthesia, I felt much better than before. I rested a bit then Ed and I drove home. Lying in bed that night, I felt empty and numb, but ok physically.

It took me a couple more days of sleep to get better as far as my cold. I also haven’t been bleeding much, but I still feel dizzy and light headed, after all the blood loss I guess. I’m sad that I was never able to see the baby. I really wanted to hold it, no matter how small, and say goodbye.

My body feels stronger now, and I am getting better every day. The kids came home on Monday evening, and they were still sick with fevers, but since yesterday they’ve been feeling better. They are also sad about having lost the baby, and Sena asked me to have another one, which I told her that I don’t know if it will happen or not.

Ed has been amazing throughout the whole thing – he was there for me 100%, and I felt how much he cares about me. He was not afraid to fish in the toilet for the baby, and was right there by my side the entire time, and made the whole thing so much easier to bear. I know that he was scared and sad and all of that, and I feel that this whole thing brought us closer together. I guess you never know how much someone cares about you until something like this happens. I have no doubt now that he’d do anything for me, and that’s really powerful.

Emotionally, I still feel numb though. Yesterday was the first day I got out of the house in a week or so, and it felt good to see people and talk about what happened. Our friends have been very supportive, calling and offering food, or help around the house. I really feel very fortunate to be surrounded by all these caring people. My sister brought us enough food for a week, and she and my neighbor Shandra came over to check on me, and let me know that they’re there whenever I need them. Ed’s parents have also been very supportive, taking the kids for 3 nights, so that I could get some rest. I know it was hard for them, esp with the kids being sick and up at night…

Yesterday morning, I got the news that my grandmother, Bunica, died. To be honest, I can’t even be sad, because it’s all too much. I want to grieve her death, but right now all I can muster is to feel numb. I think that my body is still weak and needs to recover from everything that’s happened in the past week.

So that’s how it’s been. What a wild journey!

Today, the sun is out and it's gorgeous, and I am feeling the best i've felt in months, although I also feel a sadness that I know will take a while to let go of.