San Francisco

Golden Gate Bridge

Fishermen's warf 

The city 

More Yosemite

Breakfast and a round house kick on top of El Capitan. It was early enough and we had the place all to ourselves.

Hiking away from El Capitan and towards Yosemite Valley 

On the trail

Sena, Aiyana and Ed look like ants at the bottom of this picture.

Hiking down by the side of the waterfall 


Peace 

Yosemite

We spent 2 nights camping and backpacking in Yosemite. We hiked 18 miles and it was tough- we were all hurting. But the views were incredible and I don't think any of us will forget this experience, both because of the beauty we saw and the physical/ mental pains we experienced.

These are pictures from our first day, and I'll post more later.

The four of us on entering Yosemite and thrilled by the scenery.

Sena and half dome in the background.

Coffee. Then, I'm ready.

Sena and Aiyana pumping water. I just drank it straight, and eventually they ditched the filter too. The water was delicious and cold.

Aiyana with her cowgirl hat, which she got as a special memento from the horesemanship workshop we attended.

Sena is much stronger than I am. Her pack was significantly heavier than mine and she and Ed did most of the work carrying our stuff and setting up/ taking down our tents and campsite each day.

Resting on the side of the trail. There were some steep climbs and Ed's pack weighed almost 50lbs. He was feeling it.

Our campsite, about 1 mile from El Capitan.

Peace 

Experiential

In my experience, the head cannot solve the problems created in the head by years of education, conditioning, over thinking and other such things.

I want to say that you need to search your heart for answers, but often I don't know exactly what that means or exactly how to do it.

But I am quite sure that answers to important life questions are in large part experiential.

You experience different things and life teaches you things, and over time you come to trust that. You come to trust your own life and honor your experience. They are the teachers. For me it's great relief to trust my life like that.

Chogyam Trungpa said:

"Waiting and letting what arises reflect within our intelligence is the meditation practice. It is like letting a pond settle down so the true reflection can be seen. There are already so many mental activities going on constantly. Adding further mental activities does not sharpen intelligence. The only way is just to let the intelligence develop, grow."

Be still and know.

Peace 

Awe

Yesterday Aiyana and I went to visit a redwood forest at Henry Cowell State Park. I was in awe. Some of the trees were over 1000 years old, and as tall as a football field is long.

This is a cross section from a 2200 year old tree they had on display. The tree was cut down in 1934. They had markers on the various rings of the tree, to show when they were growing. The first one, which I'm pointing at in the picture, was before the birth of Christ. 

That some of these trees have been around for that long, witness to all that history, is just amazing to me. I felt reverence just being able to be in their presence, and touch them. One tree had a huge opening inside its trunk, the size of a small teepee, made by fire long ago, and you were allowed to go in. I was there by myself for a little while and I sat still inside it. I felt like I was in a sacred place. I kept thinking of the mother tree in Avatar. I am so grateful for this experience.

For lunch, we found a cute town nearby, with one of the best food coops I've ever been to. 

These are pictures from various places we ate at. A couple of days ago we ate in a proper tea room. The food culture is really strong in this area, and it's easy to find diverse, high quality food as well as quicker, on the go stuff.

Last night we went back to the beach.

Peace 

Santa Cruz

Be raw and tender 

Be not afraid to feel

This tenderness you think you cannot stand 

Walking around half broken 

The fertile ground

For true love to spring from

Look how the bitter days of winter 

Give rise in spring to flowers 

Patchwork

Truth is a patchwork, not a single strand. Our work is to figure out how to allow the different patches of our life to blend together and create one beautiful story in the end- our own unique story.

Living in the truth means accepting our story for what it is right now, even when the different pieces seem incoherent or contradictory, and learning to live it without shutting down, with an open heart and open mind.

Look how nature holds together all of its parts in one beautiful whole, including those that may seem contradictory to us.

Peace 

Skyline drive

Beautiful view point off of Skyline drive, near Paradise and Butte Creek, California 

Heading to Santa Cruz today.

Peace 

Open

I'm starting to like these open roads in California that go off straight into the distance with no end in sight. There's a feeling of freedom and possibility about them. 

From the first day we were here, these roads reminded me of the Audioslave video for "Show me how to live", and then I looked it up and found it was filmed pretty close to here.
"You gave me life, now show me how to live". Audioslave

California

Aiyana and I are in California right now. We've been here for two days and it will be just the two of us for almost a week. We are attending a Natural Horsemanship workshop in Corning, then heading to Santa Cruz for fun.

We'll be meeting Ed and Sena in Fresno, and we're all heading to Yosemite for a few days of camping, and from there, to Monterrey and San Francisco. Aiyana and I are flying back home from San Francisco, while Ed and Sena continue up the coast to Oregon and Washington state. Sena has arranged to meet Ken Balcom, who's famous for his work with wild orcas, and spend a little time learning from him in San Juan islands.

Being here in the Chico area, north of Sacramento, has been very interesting so far, in different ways. The natural horsemanship workshop is great. Aiyana is learning how to work with horses in a way that is non aggressive, but rather through building connection and understanding of each other. Even though I don't work with horses, I feel that this method applies to any animals including humans. It's all about how to build a trusting, respectful relationship.

The other interesting thing about being here has been the landscape. Everywhere you look are thousands of acres of orchards, but when you look closely, they are not idyllic at all, they're just huge monocultures. You can tell the land is being abused. The soil looks terrible, there is very little water in the landscape, and yet it is being pushed to produce water intensive crops that would never grow here naturally. The orchards are being irrigated to sustain the production, yet most of the river beds are completely dry. We all know that California has a water problem and when you see these places I'm talking about you understand just how serious this problem is.

So how foolish is it that California is the bread basket of the US, and not only that, but actually produces food for export as well?

As far as food, the good news is that there are some real, authentic Mexican restaurants here(and I like Mexican food), due to all the Mexican and other Latino farm workers that are here to be exploited and provide cheap labor in this agribusiness wasteland.

I know this sounds harsh, but it really bothers me to see the land raped like that for profit, and the people exploited to work it, and I feel I need to speak out about it.

On a very positive note though, the Airbnb we're staying at is really nice and the people very kind. The wife is involved in different forms of social activism, and the husband is an artist with paintings all over the house. I bonded very well with both of them on different topics, and Aiyana and I feel safe and relaxed at their house. The part of Chico  they live in is very nice and green, with lots of large trees.

Here are some pictures of the workshop and the Airbnb

This is what the landscape mostly looks like 
 This is at the Mexican restaurant we ate at. Quite a contrast with all those colors and lushness.

Another step

Clumsy on this edgy new path

The frenzy of fear, at times,

Enough to strike you down 

Frozen, immobilized.

At other times,

The openness of the unknown

The little faith you have

That flicker in your heart

Still beckon;

You take another step.

Beauty

We become Beauty-Full when we open ourselves to the beauty that is all around us and in us.

Wherever we live, in whatever circumstances, there is beauty. May we find a way to step out of whatever is clouding our minds and hearts and let the beauty touch us. Let it heal us and let it move through us so that we may be able to help others.

Enjoy this sunny spring day!
Peace 

Happy May Day!

I found a deer skull with antlers this morning. I decorated it with flowers and brought it home. This is what my book says about deer medicine:

"...you are being asked to find the gentleness of spirit that heals all wounds....

Be willing to find things to love about yourself and others, and your demons will melt away. Your fears cannot exist in the same place that love and gentleness abide." (From Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson)

Enjoy this beauty that is all around us at this time of year and always.

Peace 

Walk

Walk your own unique walk with authenticity and intention. Gently remind yourself that when you walk like that, you walk in beauty. 

Forgive yourself for stumbling, for getting lost. When your body hurts, rest. When your shoes are all worn out, find a new pair. Then keep walking your walk.

Peace

For those who have a hard time with "No"

"No" can stand on its own. Just like "Yes" can.
"No" can be life affirming. Just like "Yes" can.

In this society, as opposed to other places (communist Romania where I grew up, for example), most of us are lucky to be able to say No without fear of physical violence or other serious consequences to ourselves and our families.

So next time you want to say No, remember that reasons and explanations are not necessary. Just "No". This is very hard for some people. My entire family has a hard time saying No.

We can do hard things!

Peace

My experience of Chernobyl

The Chernobyl nuclear disaster happened on April 26, 1986, 32 years ago. My mother, sister and I, were still in Bucharest, Romania at that time, about 1000km or 600miles South East of Chernobyl.

The Romanian government tried to hush it and cover up the gravity of the situation. Chernobyl is still called the world's worst nuclear disaster, yet at the time, I remember just a vague sense that something bad had happened. We were told to stay indoors and keep the windows closed. My mom gave my sister and I iodine drops to protect our thyroid. Nobody talked about it openly, but we all had a sense of unease and apprehension. I didn't find out the facts until many years later, after I moved to Canada and the US. I learned that the effects of Chernobyl are still being counted. Many people died and got sick with cancer. Many were born with congenital disease. The land around Chernobyl is still poisoned and highly radioactive. It is uninhabitable and it will be for probably hundreds of years.

This was my personal experience of the incident. Of course you can find out much more information on the web, about what really happened and what the consequences were and still are.

Also, in a disturbing twist (and this incident is very disturbing in all its aspects), it turns out that, whereas people expected Chernobyl to become a dead zone, instead, wildlife seems to flourish there, and Chernobyl has become a sort of sanctuary (this is an article by National Geographic on it). Although everything living there is poisoned by radiation, it seems that removing the human pressures on that environment allowed wildlife to flourish in a way that's not happening in other places in Europe.

I wasn't able to really look or share this incident until now, because I find it too disturbing and depressing. It still sits very heavy with me, and it's still full of darkness, but somehow, I want to share it today.

What can I say? May we learn? I hope we do. But honestly, I'm not sure we do.

I guess what I can say from my heart is that I wish healing and peace to all the people in Ukraine and around the world that have been impacted by this, and all the animals and the land, many of them still suffering to this day.

This is a brief summary of the Chernobyl disaster from a history site I follow.

On #ThisDayinHistory 1986, the world’s worst ever civil nuclear disaster to date occurs at the Chernobyl nuclear plant in Ukraine. The full toll from this disaster is still being tallied 32 years later, but experts believe that thousands of people died and as many as 70,000 suffered severe poisoning. In addition, a large area of land may not be habitable for as much as 150 years. The 18-mile radius around Chernobyl was home to almost 150,000 people who had to be permanently relocated. In Ukraine, in the first 5 years after the disaster, cases of cancer among children increased by over 90%. And, during the first 20 years after the accident, approximately 5,000 cases of thyroid cancer were registered in Russia, Ukraine, and Belarus among those who were younger than eighteen at the time of the explosion. The World Health Organization estimates that approximately 5,000 cancer deaths were related to the Chernobyl accident, but this figure is often challenged by independent experts. It took nine years after the fall of the USSR to close the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station and more than 25 years to build a new shelter over the damaged reactor.  

I got this picture on the web. It was credited to Pierpaolo Mittica
 

Peace

Quote is

from Whispers of the Beloved 

Aiyana - my student and helper

Doing math homework and transplanting onions.

CSI Youth Group

The girls had a table at the Willimantic Food Coop to raise awareness and celebration Earth Day.

Ed made those whale tails. Aren't they beautiful? They're meant to raise awareness for the plight of North Atlantic Right Whales, which are currently heading for extinction. They're getting a lot of attention and hopefully will achieve something towards that goal.

Peace 

Earth Day

The earth gives us everything we need. May we walk with gratitude and may we walk in beauty today and every day.

Happy Earth Day!

Peace 

Can't get it wrong

This is not a role you're playing

And there is no script 

This is your life 

Create and improvise

Be truthful 

You can't go wrong 

Parker Palmer

This book, which I just started reading and I'm already feeling like it's speaking directly to my life, and this author, came to me like many things that I need do: by "accident", or maybe I should say through a force more powerful than my own conscious efforts.

"Like a wild animal, the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient: it knows how to survive in hard places. I learned about these qualities during my bouts with depression. In that deadly darkness, the faculties I had always depended on collapsed. My intellect was useless; my emotions were dead; my will was impotent; my ego was shattered. But from time to time, deep in the thickets of my inner wilderness, I could sense the presence of something that knew how to stay alive even when the rest of me wanted to die. That something was my tough and tenacious soul."

Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life

Welcome to the world, little ones

One of Keri's sheep had her lambs a couple of days ago and Aiyana and I got to see them today!

Walk

I went for a beautiful walk at Mansfield Hollow in the pouring rain today with my friend Kristin, and on our way back I spotted this sweet stone arrangement in the shape of a heart.

Peace 

Elizabeth Gilbert

"Own your life. No one else will ever do it for you. It’s yours to claim. It’s sitting in a box by the door anytime you want to pick it up. "

The latest Shundahai Farm video

Here's a glimpse of what's going on with the plants and animals at the farm, these early spring days. I hope you enjoy this latest video.

Peace

Show

People make you feel that there's something wrong with you because you're walking around with a broken heart. I personally feel there's something wrong if you aren't. I don't trust anyone who's out there to show that they got it together.

Victimhood

Throughout my life, at times, I found it easy to fall into the identity of victimhood. Sometimes I exploited that identity knowingly, other times, I just felt it. I've played the victim and been the victim, and I saw others around me do it too.

I don't mean to offend or misrepresent anyone's suffering. I'm just speaking from my own, limited experience, sharing some observations.

Here are some definition I found of the word victim: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action; a person who is tricked or duped. There is no question that this applies to many people around the world, and I don't mean to downplay or disrespect anyone's experience.

What I want to do here is to point out that while we need to acknowledge and help those who suffer as victims, including ourselves, we also have to be careful how we define ourselves. Letting our identity be defined by victimhood can be easy in some ways: it brings sympathy from others, and it takes responsibility off ourselves. But, I think, it also takes away from our power and dignity. Getting into the habit of defining ourselves as victims, and there are plenty of things we can see ourselves the victims of, takes away from our own lives and can lead to a downtrodden, impoverished way of being.

So, for myself, I found that I need to be careful in walking the line between acknowledging honestly to myself how and where I feel I have been wronged, and standing in my power, simply, honestly, gently.

May we all move forward with our lives, freed from restrictions of self-imposed identity, in an uplifted and empowered way, with kindness and understanding towards ourselves and others.


Peace

Like water

I let you shape me

I bid your will 

Push and I don't push back 

My strength lies elsewhere 

Still, you can never have me

I am like water 

Yielding, yet

impossible to control

No expectations

Desperately honest

With you, my friend

I have no expectation

of you,

or of myself.

Only this openness,

This love,

And this need to be real.

Peace 

"I give this part of me

For you"

Been listening to Layne Sanley's amazing voice. Alice In Chains is probably my favorite grunge band from the 90s. I liked them then and my appreciation  only grew since. Despite how good the music is, sometimes I cannot listen through, because I feel it's too sad to think of Layne's suffering with depression and addiction, his isolation and eventual death on April 5, 2002. He gave us so much beauty....May he Rest In Peace.

"Come as you are"

Kurt Cobain died at this time of year in 1994. I will be listening to his music as I harvest today. May he rest in Peace, and may his family and loved ones find peace.

Dave Grohl said that "sometimes you just can't save someone from themselves". Still, as a society and as individuals, we cannot give up on helping each other and those who are suffering. We just cannot.

Peace

I started my harvests and deliveries and I'm excited about it. It gives my week a different structure than I've had all winter.

Yesterday was cold and pretty raw, but I harvested in the greenhouse, so I was dry and warm, and it felt nice to listen to the rain outside. Then, in the evening, the sky cleared and the sun came out and made everything look beautiful.

This is Aiyana this morning before homeschooling. I think she'll miss this time when she starts high school. Already, it's so much different for Sena now that she's going to college. But of course there are other good things to compensate.
And guess what I've been doing a bit of, here and there, in between other work? I compiled and printed out most of my poems, and now I'm going through editing them. Not sure exactly where this is going yet. But I did check out a small local printer and maybe I'll put together a small book and print it. I can have it available here at the farm. Anyway, just a little dream for now. But thank you very much to those who encouraged me to do this. Good timing too, since this is national poetry month, as I recently found out.
Peace

Heart and rose quartz

We feel what we feel

Then we rationalize what we feel

The heart knows first 

The brain is the censor 

The more we can open our heart

The more in tune we can be with what is real

And the brain,

Let it not censor too much

But let it be the faithful servant of the heart 

Peace 

What I trust

I trust this pain,

This brokenness,

This fear and not knowing

I trust my dreams 

Not any institutions, religions,

Politics, economies, technologies

Any readymade answers 

I trust the birds and whales,

The fungi and bacteria 

I trust the elements: 

earth, air, water, fire 

I trust this moment,

And this life

I trust in you, and me,

My friend

Despite what separates 

I trust the goodness of the heart,

That which binds us together.

Red splotch is actually a cardinal in the branches of the catalpa tree this morning. And there's a robin on the left too.


Peace